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To hope I can revive these friendships?

(9 Posts)
Regainingfriendships Wed 04-Jan-17 14:15:12

Regular poster but name changed for this.
I am grieving for what looks like some friendships I feel I have lost. After finishing my studies, I went on to do work in another country and had my DCs during that time too. I had a lovely circle of friends who cared a lot about me and I was in touch on Facebook though not in real life. My pregnancies have been very complicated and took a great toll on my health. The work I was doing during this time was also very stressful but needed doing as I had contracts. I admit I lost real life contacts with some of my best mass during my this time and I should probably have done more effort (though I don't know how as I nearly lost my youngest baby and nearly went into coma so the recovery was very long and slow).
I feel like my old self again. DCs are not babies anymore. Our hard work as a family unit has paid off immensely. Financially and emotionally. I have great plans for this coming year and access to good child care too. I am back in UK permanently.
I want to go on and meet my old circle of friends some time. I haven't really managed to make friends in the last few years, not like old ones anyway. Some of my old friends are very keen on meeting up so that is great. But one friend who I felt very close at the time (I am sure the feeling mutual) has not responded to my message I sent some days ago. I feel ashamed as I have found out she was going through a very rough patch recently. I feel like I failed her by going out of touch (I was always active on Facebook etc though so not out of access). Is there a way I could revive this one? I really do miss her though I admit it's only now that I have had my family (she is not settled yet and has severe health problems now by the looks of it. I knew the issues but their severity got high in the last year apparently).
Should I pursue her or just accept she doesn't want to meet up again? sad

ChicRock Wed 04-Jan-17 14:18:09

Sounds like she's got a lot on her plate and perhaps doesn't have the emotional or physical energy for the effort it'd take to reignite your friendship right now.

Leave her alone.

Regainingfriendships Wed 04-Jan-17 14:27:28

Yes she definitely looks like she has a LOT going on.
The single most paintful thing about motherhood for me was the loss of friendships. I don't know if it's the same for everyone but I never really made new friends after that.

seven201 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:09:37

Maybe give it a few months then message again saying you can fit round her etc.

My daughter is only 6 months but I don't feel like I've really lost any friends, only gained some. But I didn't leave the country which must be very hard.

Regainingfriendships Wed 04-Jan-17 23:49:54

Thanks for replying. I was in touch until I left the country and got severely unwell. It was a really hard. My pregnancy became high risk and baby was born premature although thankfully healthy now. came back here shattered and had to resettle DCs and get my health issues sorted.i have no family help near me. So 2 under 2 was very hard work with my own health issues. Not many of my friends know this as I am a private person. It's only Now that I feel a bit like myself again. I really like your suggestion of contacting her again some month later.

scaryclown Thu 05-Jan-17 00:01:25

No..push it. its too prissy for someone in difficulty to leave them to stress about contact say what you feel that you would love to hear from them and catch up . if tgey don't respond a few times..they know you care and cant get round to it just now..but it doesn't mean they are thinking negatively.

i have a few friends tgat have connected on fb recently and if i had seen them in RL it would have been gushing for hours but right now I'm keeping it to little things..the emotions of the full connection are scary to me just now even tho i'm desperate to feel and share them.

negative 'leave them alone' politeness...English but not international. . is actually 'avoiding the issue' so follow the rest of the world and be 'how ard you, are you ok, i love you' polite .its more human.

HerrenaHarridan Thu 05-Jan-17 00:10:11

I also disagree, send another message, not just I'd like to see you but open your heart a little

"I've missed you, im sorry I let things slip, I just got caught up in surviving the hard and there was no space for anything that wasn't an emergency.
Of all of our friends I always felt closest to you and it would mean so much to me to rekindle that.
I'll understand if you don't have space for that right now, I'll be ready when you are however long that takes."

We are much too reserved in this country and lonely because of it, i too have a group of incredibly close female friends, we didn't get that way through polite dinners, we got that way by bearing our souls...

I'm glad things are looking up for you xxxx

Valentine2 Thu 05-Jan-17 00:11:07

I am not entirely sure about this. May be giving her a bit more time to respond would be better? I agree though that it's more an English thing to "leave them alone".

statetrooperstacey Thu 05-Jan-17 10:59:26

Just be careful about your messages to her, a very old close friend got in touch with me once after years of lost contact and said she would love to hear from me. I emailed her back saying how lovely it was to hear from her, gave her a couple of brief lines about my life and asked what has she been up to? Got back the longest email in the world with a litany of woe. It just made me think she had run out of real life friends to whinge to and had been wracking her brains for friendships to rekindle so she had fresh ears if that makes sense. I didn't email back.
Also my old best friend who I was very close to moved away when she got married, I used to call her regularly but after about a year I realised she never called me so decided to leave it for a bit and see if she contacted me as I felt a bit like a stalkery inconvenience. She never ever called me so that was that. I was incredibly hurt.
After a couple of years she ran into my mum and told her she missed me and asked her for my phone number, I got really excited and looked forward to hearing from her, never did. My mum ran into her a couple of times over the next few years and she always said she really missed me and asked her for my number again. This happened about 4 times, never heard From her. I've told my mum if she asks her again to tell her to fuck off.
So basically if she responds to your messages make sure you aren't flaky, and make sure you want her as a friend and not just a sounding board for your life.
Hope this doesn't sound unkind, I don't mean it to.

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