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To ask DSD mother to step up and pay her way ?

(61 Posts)
redannie118 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:30:01

OK expecting a flaming for this , and apologies it may be long !
Been with DH 6 years, married 4, I have 2 DS age 18 and 14 , DH has DSD 16,DH works full time min wage job, I work part time 25 hrs ( am disabled ). It's tough, there's 5 adults to feed and we haven't had a holiday in 5 years ( I haven't had my hair cut in a year) the only other money we receive is CHB for my boys, a tiny maintenance payment from their dad and a small PIP payment
When my DH split from his ex they agreed 50-50 shared care and that she could keep CHB and tax credits. He also agreed to pay 100 pounds a month maintenance as he adores his daughter and didn't want her to go without. On top of that he agreed to pay her school bus fares (15 pounds a week)as EXW said she couldn't afford it and would have to pull her out of her very good school otherwise.
6 years down the line and we are a lovely blended family-love the bones of my gorgeous DSD and so do my boys. As she is 16 she comes and goes as she pleases and now spends on average 4 nights per week with us (although is often more) and we love having her. The only problem is the financial side of things. DH still pays ex 100 pounds a month maintenance plus-
15 pounds per week bus fares
40 pound per month mobile phone contract
10 per month Netflix
40 pounds per year playstation subscription
ALL school trips
Pocket money for trips out friends birthday etc
ALL school uniform/shoes/pe kithe
All school books , exam guides, stationary etc
Clothes/toiletries/make up
All food /packed lunches the 4-5 days a week she is here.
We are desperately struggling.DH wife flatly refuses to pay for anything even though we have explained our situation .She even refused to buy her prom dress (I had to sell my ring to buy that for her).She earns more than the 2 of us together and there's only the 2 of them in the house. She refuses to even go halves and in hr words " I dont care if DD goes without, if you want her to have stuff , you pay for it"
The easy solution would be for her to live with us and us to claim CHB which would help , but everytime DSD mentions this to her EXW screams and wails and cries and makes her feel guilty. DSD is stressed to death with A levels and we don't want to make it worse. Ive had it out with DH and told him to stop the maintenance, but he says that's not fair as ex wife relies on the money. He said he will ask her to step-up , but we've done that in the past and she just refuses. I'm at my wits end worrying about money ( I don't know if my health condition will let me work much longer)but I really don't know what else to do, any advice guys ?

keekaw Wed 04-Jan-17 13:34:46

Cut the Netflix, go to Tesco and get a cheap (£7.50 a month) phone contract as soon as the current one is up, cut the PlayStation. No more money for make-up etc - I would also cut most school trips.

keekaw Wed 04-Jan-17 13:35:30

Oh and i would stop the maintenance

Athome77 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:38:07

I'd probably go with getting full custody claiming tax credits etc for her, and support from her mum... or going thru the agency that does mai trance and paying her the min amount... at the very least I'd stop paying the £100 as she stays at yours 4 nights and you pay for a lot... can you get a cheaper contract? And stop Netflix etc?

I guess it also depends on what yours get, as you wouldn't want them to have a £40 phone contract and her only £10. Honestly theirs on way mine would get £40 phone contacrts, Netflix, p,aystation subscription (one does has an 6 month X box thing but he paid from his own money). We have NOW TV, when you have bright the box, I think it was 40, it's free.
You said you only get a small amount from your boys dad- can you get more!

Petalbird Wed 04-Jan-17 13:40:29

Cut all the extras but food and school stuff if the dsd wants Netflix, PlayStation, expensive clothing she gets a job or asks her mother

SheldonCRules Wed 04-Jan-17 13:51:42

I'd stop the maintenance and get a cheaper phone contract but the rest of the costs are school or normal teen stuff that each parent agrees to.

It's not your step daughters fault your income is low, yet you want to penalise her. Have you penalised your own children as well?

Her mums earnings are none of your business, when it's 50/50 each parent should simply pay the costs on their days.

Maybe her dad needs to step up, with children that age he should have the earning capacity for more than min wage and is not restricted by hours as no childcare needed.

abigamarone Wed 04-Jan-17 13:55:55

Whilst I think it's out of order she isn't paying for these things - this is what tax credits and cb are for, after all - I think you need to set your own priorities. You haven't been able to afford a haircut for a year but she has a £40 phone contract?

I also don't understand why, if she earns more than the two of you together, she gets tax credits for her daughter but you don't get them for your children, might be worth looking into that.

redannie118 Wed 04-Jan-17 13:58:03

Thanks guys good advice. The con tract for her phone has another 6 months to run but will definitely be dropping to pay as you go after that. DSD is looking for a sat job so that will help with bits and peices for her like clothes and pocket money. DH does not have to pay any maintenance now as we are technically the PWC but CHOOSES too, I think that's the stumbling point. He's a good man and adores his daughter and if we weren't struggling I wouldn't care less , but we are and I just can't get him to see this

Heirhelp Wed 04-Jan-17 13:58:32

If she is living at your over 50% of the time then why is your DH paying mainatnace?

Heirhelp Wed 04-Jan-17 14:00:10

Cross posts. The problem here is with your DH he needs to step up and sort out this financial situation so he can get the best income for his child.

stella23 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:01:49

I'd stop the maintenance as well, and I'd also enquire about about tax credits,
is the Netflix a family thing? And the PlayStation subscription?

CupofTeaTime Wed 04-Jan-17 14:02:09

You have a DH problem not an EXW problem. He needs to stop being so soft with his DD and his EXW. She doesn't need PlayStation, Netflix or a phone contract. And the £100 maintenance should stop if she's at yours that often. He needs to grow a pair and stand up to both of them

stella23 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:02:47

Hmm, but surely your daughter is struggling when she with you?

redannie118 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:02:52

Sheldon - did you read my post? Her dad pays for EVERYTHING - her mothere pays for nothing, not one school trip, school uniform , bus fares, clothes , shoes pe kit in 6 years !! We cover every single penny ofor DsD living expenses ,so how exactly can he step up more ? Ohow and btw there is no difference with my children - they go without frequently and all have to the penny same pocket money , Christmas and birthday

NewNNfor2017 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:08:25

You have a dP problem.

He won't stop paying maintenance and he won't claim the benefits your household is entitled to relating to his DD.

He doesn't even need to get his exW to agree before he applies for CB for his DD, you can just notify HMRC of a change in circumstances, and they write to the person currently receiving it - so he won't be the bad guy.


rollonthesummer Wed 04-Jan-17 14:09:57

Who uses Netflix and the PlayStation account? Is that just her? If you can't afford to get your hair cut, nobody needs Netflix or PlayStation. The £40 phone is ridiculous-not sure why you agreed to that either. What contracts do your kids have?

If you pay for everything for her, what would she miss out on if you stopped the £100 maintenance? I would sit her down and explain you don't want her to go without but that you are struggling. Tell her you'd love her to live with you-will continue to pay for her trips/uniform and trips but that the £100 and Netflix need to stop. See what she says-she might be totally unaware of the financial situation.

CheshireChat Wed 04-Jan-17 14:12:36

Explain that either your DSD misses out on stuff because you can't afford it or his ex... Might make him see things in a different light.

EnormousTiger Wed 04-Jan-17 14:14:51

Sound like my situation. I have./ had the 5 chidlren 100% of the time (their silly father's choice), I paid him on the divorce and he doesn't pay a penny. So many parents end up paying 100% of their child's costs (and they are huge for me, school fees £30k alone). (I haven't been to a hair dresser in over 2 years but I do earn a fair bit).

This girl has only 2 years at home and then goes to univesrity. I suspect the simplest answer to cause the least fuss and keep her happy is you, her father and she all 3 of you try to earn some extra money. We have done weekend jobs. It sounds like your disability does allow you to type so may be some kind of data entry job from home might work well and the step daughter could try a weekend shop job or baby sitting.

There will be university costs soon too. Do check the position in England as I believe the non resident parent can be forced to contribute to univesrity costs by the teenager (not by the other parent) although as it's 50/50 care I'm not sure which parent counts in that case.

Nanna50 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:15:42

Your DH needs to stop the maintenance, claim CB and Tax Credits for his DD. It will take time because the EXW will have to be given a chance to reply. If she refuses then HMRC will make the decision. Also tackle the outgoings for DD. It's up to him to take action.

NewNNfor2017 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:16:15

tiger Does your ex receive the CB and CTC for your DC's? - that's outrageous!

mrssapphirebright Wed 04-Jan-17 14:16:27

Cut the maintenance if she is with you 50;50 or more. There is no need to pay £100 a month. I presume that your dc are also benefiting from the netflix and playstation? if so then it is a family decision to either keep these or lose these. If your dh is paying for these things purely for his dd then he needs to say no to her. Clearly her mother doesn't have a problem saying no.

Agree with the phone contract. My 16 year old ds has an iphone and it only costs his dad £17 a month all in.

Why is he choosing to pay his exwife £100 a month when he can't afford it and your household is suffering? It sounds like he does enough for his dd and is already paying his fair share. Seems odd and like PP's have said, this is a dh problem rather than a exw problem. Its up to his exw how she spends her money and for whatever reason she is not spending any on her dd.

What does your dh say when you talk to him about this?

harderandharder2breathe Wed 04-Jan-17 14:17:57

Your DH needs to get a grip and stop paying money to the ex wife given that DD lives with your more than half the time and you both make sure she doesn't go without

Cheaper phones for her (and your boys and you and DH if you all have £40 ones too)

ALittleMop Wed 04-Jan-17 14:19:35

He has to cut the maintenance if she is resident 50/50.
If she is - actually more than 50% residence then CHB needs to change over.
Other stuff - netflix/playstation/phone/trips - she gets the same deal as your boys. Presume netflix and ps is for at her mum's house, so that goes immediately. Her mum can pay for it there. Or not, but it's not your DH responsibility.

rollonthesummer Wed 04-Jan-17 14:20:41

Does your step daughter know her mother pays nothing towards her clothes/uniform/shoes/trips?

What is her relationship with her mother like?

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 14:21:37

Just stop the maintenance. If she brings in twice your household income she really isn't depending on it.

On a separate note, your priorities are way off if you can't afford a haircut but you are paying out Netflix, Play Station and £40 month mobile phone contracts.

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