DDs voices(145 Posts)
Posting on here for traffic
I have posted before about Dd and self harming and some background information about bereavement,school changes,abuse and you were all so helpful so thank you flowers
I don't know how to link but here is my previous thread http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2801692-To-think-my-DD-needs-help
DD went back to school yesterday after a lovely Christmas holiday together planning all sorts of adventures for the new year .
She's been sent home early from school today because she was absolutely hysterical and they couldn't calm her down. In the middle of a lesson she's burst out crying saying 'he's touching me ,tell him to stop,tell him to stop talking' . Her teacher said she was shaking,struggling to breathe whilst crying and pastoral staff couldn't calm her down. When they tried to help her stand up and get out the lesson she started fight back and scream, (She can't stand people touching her) so the class had to move into another classroom
She refuses to engage with counsellors/services to a point where she won't say a word in the sessions . I don't know how to handle today's situation. Do I talk to her about this today or let her rest?
Talk to her!!!
Not aggressively. Not attacking. Offer to help with ways to stop the flashbacks. She will want them to stop too.
You can't solve this. She needs crisis MH help.
Oh, and she will be frazzled, anxious and tired so help her with everything. Lights on all night in her room if need be, making her hot drinks and showing mindfulness techniques while drinking them, baths with strong smelling bubbles to keep her present and grounded, put a nice film on for her, anything to keep her present calm and peaceful.
Thank you. I'm looking at crisis services now . She's locked herself in her room crying. She's ignoring me knocking on the door
Thank you for the suggestions Rixera I can't get her out her room but I've texted her to let her know I'm here and if she wants to watch a film. I'm not sure what else I can do as she won't engage with services.
Can you talk in a calm, quiet voice sitting outside her door? Listing peaceful things you might do, in order. Eg 'soon I'll make a cup of tea, and you can have one too if you want, then I think I'll have a biscuit. We can sit and watch tv for a bit, and talk if you want. Then I've got to hang the towels up to dry.'
Crisis teams are terrible where I am, and I find concentrating on normal life things helps bring me down. People acting demanding, worried, etc just make me more stressed and afraid.
Rixeras idea is a good one.
She needs some TLC, poor thing.
Do you have any IRL support? This must be heartbreaking and extremely difficult for you.
Gosh. My son has had similar issues, and we have ended up taking time out and home educating him until we, and he, can get a handle on things. I found that there wasn't much help, I'm afraid, and we had to find the money for a private psychologist. The voices are the worrying bit. What do you feel may be the right direction? School can give you permission to take her out for four weeks, and they'll send work home. We did this, and reassessed at the end: there was such an improvement, in our case, that we continued with home ed. It's not easy, as I do work as well, but it is doable, and he's doing well, both academically and mentally. May I add: this has worked for us. I'm not advocating it for your family, but I am sharing what has worked for us after an intensely stressful and distressing time for our son.
Thank you so much that worked Rixera
She's come out her room and shown me her arms And said she's worried she will get in trouble at school or that people will start talking about it. I think I'll continue to talk to her calmly. She's had her breakdowns etc but never become aggressive or mentioned hearing/feeling things.
There's no support in RL,she refuses to engage and I feel we've been let down by Gp and various others.
I don't think homeschooling will be ideal for us but I'll see how she feels about having some time off school
My first thought was home educating too, for now at least,as it seems like she's dealing with so much and might feel safer. I have no advice but really feel for you too and do hope it gets easier
Hurray she's sharing with you by showing you. That's BRILLIANT.
Absolutely 100% stay calm. And reassure her as many times as necessary that she will not be in trouble and no one is cross with her and she is not bad.
That is a huge fear. 'internal shame' I think it's called stems from abuse and the result is basically feeling like you are a dreadful, bad, disgusting person and everyone will hate you if they find out. That and if the abuser said anything about 'if you tell you will get in trouble', even just implying it, causes a huge fear of being in trouble. Not to mention abuse can be worse if he was cross. So a fear of making people cross can be added to even more by that.
Would you like some grounding techniques? They're good for when you're feeling fuzzy, and can help you stay calm too.
As to hearing voices... Flashbacks, dissociation and things can cause that but you'll need to talk to her when shes calmed down to find out what her experience is.
She wants to go to school tomorrow but I'm worried this isn't the best thing to do. Especially with how's she's feeling I don't think she's thought about it properly
Rixera you've been so helpful,thank you. I haven't heard of grounding techniques.
Have you got support? You need to be well to help her. And that isn't easy.
I've not read all of your last thread so it might have already been suggested. But did you know that Young Minds have a parent's helpline? www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline
You can help her through this, and she will get better, but it'll take time. If she wants to go to school tomorrow let her, but tell the school that if she's upset you must be called immediately (as long as that works for you). If you back her up and support her and don't demand things from her she will recover.
I haven't got support so thank you for the helpline link.
I will tell the school to call me if anything but I'm worried that it might be a bit too much . She's exhausted and I don't want the other kids to ask her questions
Regarding school, I found it immensely helpful as it gave my days a focus. My situation was different as it was home that was the problem but if pastoral care can be given a brief and if she can be taught how to calm herself down or excuse herself (with a pass) if she feels a bit wobbly, there's no reason she couldn't go.
No problem OP, I'm glad to help- baby just gone to sleep so I can write proper replies!
Grounding techniques are the number one most important thing for daily life as someone with cptsd, in my opinion...
The basic principles are that they keep you grounded in the present, rather than floating off and getting muddled up about whether the stuff that happened then is happening now or if the now is really real.
So, anything that makes 'now' more solid. Try ticking off the senses. What can you hear right now? What can you smell? What can you feel on your skin- a scratchy jumper, or the floor under your feet?
Observing objects. Pick up the thing nearest to you (first of all that brings you back a bit as you are moving, which gives you control.) List 5 things about it. Eg, this is a pencil. It is red. It has an eraser on the end. The lead is slightly broken.
Taste something (especially as taste can be a trigger). Put a grape in your mouth. Feel the round skin. Then bite it. Feel the skin break under your teeth. Focus on the sharpness of the juice.
Smell. Smell is a huge trigger for me so I always carry a little thing of solid perfume, if I'm feeling a bit off I just sniff the perfume. Focus completely on that smell, nothing else.
If you have nothing else, look at your hands. Stretch your fingers. Move them one by one. Look at your nails. Are they chipped? Your knuckles. Watch them move.
And breathe. I find breathing the hardest but some people find it helps to focus on breathing rhythmically.
Then, when calm, I like to think back to note what the trigger was- someone sitting too close, a song playing, whatever it might be. And then right down what it triggered, so it's out of my head and on paper.
I sometimes have flashbacks. It's a bit too personal to post on mumsnet why, tbh.
But what helps me the most is humming In combination with square breathing.
Could you try seeing an other doctors? I'm very very careful with the following suggestion. I'm not religious but I made very good experiences with church counselling, a lovely woman with (non-religious)ntraining. I needed somebody that let me work through things and didn't just try to 'fix' me.
Good luck. You sound like a really great mother.
Thank you for sharing that 1horatio i have tried another doctor but all we get is referrals or them asking dd to come in but she refuses and when she does go to referrals she refuses to talk so they tell us to come back when she's ready.
The grounding techniques will be very useful. I didn't think to try and work out what could of triggered it but since I saw your post ROxira I have called the school to find out what was happening before she broke down.
A science demonstration which involved holding hands and dd being forced to participate when she refused. I have made the school aware that she can't stand people touching but that's something we will have to overcome.
(Not yet read your previous thread, so apologies if duplicating).
Excellent ideas posted here already.
Another tip for immediate, easily accessible "grounding/ centring" (during a frightening episode of flashback etc.) is to rub an emery board or rough piece of sandpaper. (Useful to keep ready, tucked away in a pocket?).
Ditto, holding an ice cube. Or running cold water over hands.
Concentrating on the sensation can help bring the focus back to the here and now.
It must be an upsetting and worrying time for you both. I wish you all the best finding what helps your DD
Thank you ,that's a great idea as she can always keep it in her pocket as well as a perfume stick like Roxira mentioned
I'm sorry for your daughter and you to be going through this.
Does your daughter know that you believe her about the abuse? I read your previous post. I think this could be the root to progress for her. She can probably sense that you don't fully. I think you need to get details out of her and let her talk about it in depth, for hours on end, let her get it it off her chest a bit.
If she is refusing to engage with outside help I think that maybe she wants you to be her main help. You have to fight for that right too, she might push you away over and over again to 'test' your commitment to her but I think you might be the one she is seeking comfort from. I think she can sense that you don't fully believe her and this is very isolating for her. What's the point in talking to outsiders if not even your own mother believes you?
Sit outside her room for hours if that's what it takes. Break down those walls, tell her repeatedly what she means to you and that you will never give up on her. She can talk to outsiders if and when she is ready but let her know that you are there for her right now. Offering to watch a film or changing the topic after the day she's had is not the best approach - in my opinion, it's like sweeping the fiasco under the carpet. Very old school British! Grab the bull by the horns and show her how much you love her and how much you want listen and help her. Don't move away from her room til she opens up to you. You're in this together. Let her know that.
Who the hell is this person that sexually abused her? Does she know that you are angry about it? Are you furious? Do you want to rip his throat out?Do you express any anger towards him? Does she even sense that you are angry about what he has done? Your child has been abused and though you failed to protect her, it is not too late to help her heal and to think about a future. Have you expressed any sorrow to her about not protecting her? Have you apologised? Be honest with your daughter as she has been with you. Honesty is an amazing thing, parents make mistakes but to deny them can cause years of misery. If you feel guilty about what has happened to her - let her know.
As a mother and single parent you are the 1st defender of your child and she will fully expect that of you. I think you need to be explicit and committed in proving to her that you are her protector from now on. Going to a family gathering where this guy may or may not turn up just should not be an option! It doesn't sound as if she has a 'safe place' with the extended family so cut them out of her life immediately. Fuck them if they don't believer her.
Whether she is telling the truth about the abuse or not, is not the point right now. She is not falsely accusing anyone in the eyes of the law. However she has serious issues and you need to barge into her mind/soul and show that you want to lift her up out of whatever is eating away at her. Self-harm is a cry for help as well as a way of alleviating inner torment. So make her open up to you, I think she wants you over outsiders.
I think you should let her go to school too. She is incredibly brave to want to face going in again straight after such an episode. Support her in that and support her at home. If she starts slacking in school then she really will just drown in her problems and I've seen where that can lead :/
Have just read your 1st thread, OP.
With a lump in my throat.
Your poor DD has been through, and is clearly going through, an absolutely Hellish time.
There are so many complexities involved, and it must be heartbreaking to witness her distress. Nothing helpful to add, just that I sincerely hope that any of the organisations mentioned by PPs can guide you through what must seem a knotted maze?
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