DSD Using House Like a Hotel

[BettyBlue007]

AIBU to be annoyed that DSD(16 nearly 17) is using our house like a hotel? Sorry this is so long

She does very little to help around the house, even though DH and I both work full time and she is only at college part time. She hasn't got a job and so does not contribute anything at all, yet is very wasteful with food and utilities. She wastes electricity like it's an Olympic sport and she's quite possibly the most untidy/lazy teenager I've ever had the pleasure to meet! (and yes I know that's how teenagers are, but she could at least make an effort to hang her wet towels up once in a while).

My main issue is that I feel like she is seriously overstepping the line by quite blatantly having sex with her boyfriend when the rest of us are in the house. I've heard them a couple of times (her bedroom is above the bathroom/my DD's bedroom) and after putting DD(5) to bed last night, I went to the loo and could hear them at it like jackrabbits insert sick face emoji here which I think is rather disrespectful seeing as they knew we were all in and DD had just gone to bed (her bedtime is 8pm and they both know this).

I text her and asked her to please be more considerate, but now I'm wondering if I am within my rights to tell them they are no longer allowed to "get up to stuff" if we are in. She is on the pill, but I'm not sure she's taking it reliably (I have warned her about getting pregnant and she's adamant they are being careful but what else can I do?).

When I was her age, my boyfriend and I weren't allowed in my bedroom (my mum is ultra old-fashioned) but I respected that and we only "got up to stuff" when we knew we were alone in his house... Even when DH and I got together 10 years ago when I was 23, we still weren't allowed in my room at my mum's house.

DH also mentioned to DSD that she'd used a ton of electricity running her heater, but yet she was walking round the house in shorts and t-shirt. He asked that she turn the heater off and put some proper clothes on (this is a recurrent thing with her, she's always walking round in knickers and a t-shirt but complaining it's cold!!) to which she replied "well just kick me out then"! I honestly don't know what her problem is (other than being a typical teenager) she wants for nothing and we are a very happy loving household.

Does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? I don't want to ban her boyfriend from the house as she will probably just move in with him and his mum, but I also don't want her acting like she owns the place and can just do whatever the hell she wants.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far, and please be gentle with me, step-parenting is a minefield at the best of times.

[SoDownSoGone]

I think there is a step parenting board that you might get better help from. where is her mother in all this? Can you sit together as a parenting group and speak with her? I don't know if that's the done thing. Texting won't work. You all need to decide some ground rules between you all. She is being a defiant teenager but being stupid too dicing with pregnancy and also not realising the cost of resourcing and running a home. Sounds like she needs educating as to the cost of things and how hard you have to work to run it all. Regarding the sex in the house. Personally I think that's entirely disrespectful of her especially as you have a young daughter. I would expect it to be a struggle your DsD is obviously trying to make some point. Talking once your agreed a plan with the other parents I think is best and a bit of education for her!

[Ilovecaindingle]

She should be earning respect to have such adult freedom. .
She is taking the piss. No way would I allowed sex with a younger child hearing!!That's gross. . She need rules or yeah she can move out.

[SheldonCRules]

I'd not be allowing my children to have partners stay over until married but many do allow it. The sex thing is a red herring, presumably you and DH do when there are children in the house so if you let him stay then a quick chat re not colliding with bedtimes is surely all that's needed.

She's not the only child in the house, if they are all treated the same IE not wasting electric, doing chores etc then she needs to pull her weight. If she's being singled out as she not yours, then that's very different and likely why she is rebelling.

[icelollycraving]

I'd point out that hearing her having sex is really not on and for a child to have that in earshot is grim (although your dd won't know what it is).
Remove the heater.
I'd suspect she is massively testing your boundaries (& patience).
Would she like her bf to hear you & your dh to banging away? It's about respect all round.

[BettyBlue007]

I think DH and I are going to have to have a conversation with DSD as to what we find acceptable (and what is not acceptable).

If she wants to be treated like an adult she's going to have to be more respectful and earn those types of privileges.

[girlelephant]

What does her DH say about this and what do you agree to implement? Also do you know how she behaves and is expected to behave in her DM's home?

I think the sex when you are all at home is entirely inappropriate! I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend in my room at that age unless the door was open. Is he allowed to stay the night? If so I would remove that privilege until her overall behaviour is more respectful. If he's not allowed to stay over I would either discuss no sex or say you want the door left open if they can't be trusted. I would imagine she would be distressed to her you and her DF having loud sex!

Regarding house rules you need to agree them as a couple and implement. Not sure if she lives with you full or part-time but at that age she should be completing some regular and as-hoc chores in addition to looking after her own bedroom. So hoovering/dusting whole house weekly perhaps and as-hoc helping with the dishes/clearing table the night's she is home.

If she doesn't work how does she support herself in regard to travel/socialising? If she is given an allowance I would discuss that this may be lowered or stopped if she doesn't treat you all and the house with respect. If she has an issue with that she can get a part-time job which will also be good for her CV and social skills etc

[BettyBlue007]

Sheldon, DD is 5 but is made to tidy up after herself (as much as possible as a 5 year old) she isn't treated differently, we're as "strict" with both of them but there is a massive age gap, so obviously DSD is able to do more than DD (ie I wouldn't ask DD to clean out the cats litter tray or do a sink full of dishes but she does get asked to help out where she can)

DSD is going to be told in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is not acceptable and will stop immediately.

[Stillunexpected]

Where is her mother in all of this? It seems like she lives with you full-time. so is the threat of "kick me out" an idle one from her or does she actually have somewhere she could go?

[icelollycraving]

I'd be tempted to mention something to the bf too. It's very disrespectful to be having sex without any kind of discretion.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

I think yab a bit u. You let her have her boyfriend over to stay. You knew what was going to happen. Don't you remember being young? They're not thinking of you or of bedtimes! Make a rule that the door stays open til 10pm or something and that if you hear anything the door will stay open from now on. You and DH have allowed this situation to develop so don't be mad at DSD that she did what any other teenager would do!

If you go in too fast with some authoritarian rubbish she will just rebel and move out like you said. Is that what you want? Can you wait until she's in a reasonable mood and discuss noise and heating with her respectfully over a cup of tea?

To put things in perspective, winter hasn't got long to go so the heating situation will be over soon. She will be 18 in just over a year and you can have a conversation about being an adult when she is an actual adult. She sounds like a totally normal teenager to me.

[BettyBlue007]

DSD does live with us full-time and has a very turbulent relationship with her mum. She won't move back to live with her mum but I'm sure she'd more than happily move in with her boyfriend and his mum.

I'm currently having it out via text (not ideal I know) and she has apologised and has vowed to look harder for a job.... Watch this space!

Thanks for your replies everyone, I appreciate them very much

[anotheryearcomesandgoes]

DSD does live with us full-time and has a very turbulent relationship with her mum. She won't move back to live with her mum but I'm sure she'd more than happily move in with her boyfriend and his mum.

So this is her full time home? I am not supporting what she is doing but a child is for life and maybe your DH needs to think about that. You really sound like you don't want her.

It isn't her living with you. It is her home too. Would you be suggesting throwing your own child out age 16 to live with a boyfriends mum?

Children are not commodities. a 16 year old is a child. You cant just give them away when you get bored with them or they upset you.

[IdaDown]

Every time I'd hear them having sex, I'd be asking DH to interrupt them. Every time.

Hopefully, very off putting. For her, the boyfriend and DH.

[Floofborksnootandboop]

DH also mentioned to DSD that she'd used a ton of electricity running her heater, but yet she was walking round the house in shorts and t-shirt. He asked that she turn the heater off and put some proper clothes on (this is a recurrent thing with her, she's always walking round in knickers and a t-shirt but complaining it's cold!!)

I think this is just a teenage girl thing tbh, DD1 16, DD2 14, GF2 18 and GF1 19 all seem to wonder round in shorts and a tshirt and then turn the heat right up and sit on the sofa in 100 blankets. GF2 is the worst aswell, I stupidly allowed DS2 to have an electric heater in his room because it's the only room without decent heating and his girlfriend turns it on 24/7 and then will be laying naked!!! They always forget to turn it off too so I'm constantly having to go in when they've gone out to turn it on, even in the summer.

Having loud sex is out of order and again something we've had to deal with with DS2 😂 Does it improve when you've mentioned it too her? All I said is we can hear it all over the house so keep it down and I don't think we've heard anything since.

[LagunaBubbles]

Children are not commodities. a 16 year old is a child. You cant just give them away when you get bored with them or they upset you

Has the OP suggested "giving away" or throwing our her SD? No.

[BettyBlue007]

Thanks Floof, it's good to know someone else is dealing with this too!

I think the heater will have to come out of DSD's room as she very often forgets to turn it off...

As for the sex thing, I haven't mentioned to her about hearing them before as I was too embarrassed and it was early hours (like 2 am) when I nipped to the loo and heard the squeaking floor/bed!! But last night was just a step too far and I had to say something, she has promised it won't happen again and we're hashing out some other stuff too.

She's a good kid really but she tends to make an effort for a week then things slip back to normal with regards to helping round the house.

[Stillunexpected]

So, given that she really doesn't have another alternative, I think you need to get tough with her. Much of what you say is typical teenage stuff - I have an 18 and 15 year old - and they seem to have no idea of how much utilities cost, or that water isn't free either! On the upside, they are the cleanest teens I know!

Yes, text is not the way to communicate so suggest you and DH sit down and have a chat with her. If she has the capacity to get a job, then she needs to do so and I would explain that her basic living costs are such that you can no longer fund e.g. her social life or her clothing. So she gets a certain amount per month, after that she needs to spend her own money on coffees, cinema or whatever.

Teens do like the test the boundaries so I suspect the threat about moving in with her boyfriend is an idle one. Would her boyfriend's mother even have her? And how long before she was complaining about how much heating she was using and about the noisy sex?! I suspect she could end up being far less accommodating that you!

[Stillunexpected]

Anotheryear where on earth do you get the idea that the OP and her DH want their daughter out?! Asking her to turn down the heating or not have noisy sex when a 5 year old can hear is pretty acceptable I would have thought?! It is the 16 year who is taunting her parents in this way. The OP has given no indication that she would ever follow through on this.

[BettyBlue007]

another there was absolutely no mention whatsoever of us "kicking her out" so kindly wind your neck in.

DSD was the one who suggested we kick her out and I'm pretty sure she was joking! as she knows we'd never do that!

And Ida that's a great idea, I'll get DH to do random spot checks when the BF is over! Haha

[KingJoffreysRestingCuntface]

Chuck the heater away and buy her a thick dressing gown. That'll solve the electric problem.

[ladylambkin]

I don't think it's a sd issue I think it's just a general teenager issue. My daughter also floats around in shorts and vest top complaining of cold, sits on the couch with her blanket and takes the longest baths/showers known to man.

Your sd does need to start helping with chores and you need to give ground rules for when the bf is over (its a bit late in the day however as you have already allowed him to stay overy etc)

Good luck!

[BettyBlue007]

King she HAS a fleecy dressing gown, pjs, blankets and such yet she still wanders round in next to nothing complaining of being cold.... There's just no hope for her

[Stillunexpected]

There's just no hope for her - there is, the hope that she will grow up! Apparently most of them do!

[Kelsoooo]

With regards to the clothing, my Uncle thinks its hilarious when I'm telling my DD to put a jumper on when she says she's cold.
As a teenager I lived in croptops and trousers which usually fell far too low (thats just me unfortunately, even belts don't stop it now) and I used to moan I was cold and turn their heating on. So he thinks its hilarious how its come full circle.

The sex thing, yes that needs to be discussed. Again, as a teenager a similar situation. In our defence, his parents had gone to the cinema, but his Dad forgotten his wallet. When they came back home, his dad took him in one room, his mum took me in another and we were presented with "the talk" and a box of condoms. I don't think we had sex for six months after that. Mortified to this day.

It's about defining boundaries with a young adult. Be respectful of her, present the issues and ask her what she thinks are viable solutions. Open up communication with her.

She doesn't sound like a bad kid, just a teenager.

[BettyBlue007]

Still I live in hope