Being left out or am I being paronid(64 Posts)
First time posting on mumsnet. Just need some advice on something weird that has happened.
I met a girl through a toddler group and got friendly with her, had play dates and went out for the odd meal together.
This girl did not have many friends and seemed a bit isolated so I introduced her to one of my best friends, who also had a child the same age. We all met up a few times and it seemed to go ok.
Recently I have noticed that neither of them is contracting me as much, and the girl who was one of my best friends has been really short with me as if I have done something wrong. I have confronted her but she said I was imagining it.
Today it was all over Facebook that the two of them had met up with the kids but I was not invited. On the comments below they were thanking each other for a good day and it turns out they have planned a spa day together.
I asked why I had not been included in Spa day and got back a message saying we thought your were working (it's a Saturday and I hardly ever work on a Saturday)
There have also been some posts of Facebook from them both with quotes about true friendship and getting rid of "toxic friends".
I have asked them both if there is a problem and they have denied it. I have a horrible feeling the new "friend" has been slagging me off to my old "friend" and my old "friend" has believed whatever she has said.
The only other thing I can think off is about a month ago I was meant to be meeting them, had a huge seizure and could not go (I am epileptic). My old "friend" was fine as she knows about my seizures but the new "friend" sent me a text saying I should not let the seizures rule my life and I should come out anyway, and I am disappointing her son.
If I am being slagged off i can't believe my friend of over 20 years would believe this other girl over me. Not sure what to do from here
You had an epileptic fit and your "friend" accused you of disappointing her son? Goodness, she sounds delightful.
I think I'd try to meet old friend in my own and see if I could find out what is really going on.
ask for a meet up with old friend, and discuss your fears/suspicions with her face to face.
They sound like a pair of witches who deserve each other! On a serious note meet up with the old friend, have a wine and get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
I have talked to her and met her face to face when I bobbed after Christmas but she said I was being silly. Don't get change to have an in depth conversation as husbands were there and I just managed to have quick word as she was making a brew.
When we came out my husband asked if we had a falling out as the atomphere was awful and he described her as really prickly.
I think I may ask my husband to ask her husband if I have done something as they get on well and do socialise
Sorry for typos I have never really been great at typing on a phone
They've obviously been bitching about you, over god knows what, if your old friend can be such a turn coat after many years of friendship then I don't think she's worth winning back, leave her to it and I'm sure her day will come when the new friend treats her like shit too.
Just be relieved you don't have to go on a spa day!
Being serious though, friendships like this are rarely worth it.
I wouldn't bother with either of them and would distance myself and find some new friends. There's something going on but neither of them seem prepared to tell you what it is so, if it were me, I'd stand back a bit and bide my time. Old friend may well come back to to you eventually and it sounds like new friend isn't a friend at all so no loss there.
Or, instead of distancing yourself, you try to befriend them more, keeping in touch and asking how they're doing (and let them rant). Not confronting so much "why am I excluded" etc. because that only makes people feel uneasy (and perhaps a bit guilty). Try to be nice about it (even if you have to bite your tongue). Just let them know that you want to be included, and perhaps take the initiative to some activity with the two of them. It's not so easy to find "new friends" and this way you might have two best friends (and they one each). I've dropped some friends that way, ages ago, and it turned out in hindsight it was not such a great idea. They're still friends, though. You have probably not "done something", it's just they hit it off together (which in itself is great), they like you... but they also like each other a lot... and now you'll work yourself back into the group by keeping in touch and correcting them if they think they don't want to hang out with them because of work etc.
Watch a clip on YouTube on "how to win friends and influence people" and see if you can find something useful, if you need to, or just to entertain yourself. youtu.be/0uMZi1gc0Nc I'm posting this link more directed as a reminder to myself, than anything else, but maybe someone else will find it useful too...
Right. A severe typo. Should be: "...if they think you don't want to hang out with them because of work etc."
You've been Wendy'd. It happens all the time with females. Never introduce new friend to old friends. Since neither of them seem to have the emotional intelligence to communicate what you have done wrong, call them on it and walk away.
I have never heard the term Wendy'd before. This is really common then?
My DH is going to have a word with her DH later today so might find out something there
I was going to say too that the toddler group 'friend' (who is not a friend btw - how dare she be so unkind when you had a seizure) is a Wendy. Women are bloody horrible. The toddler group friend has probably upset other people if she doesn't have many friends. Perhaps your old friend will eventually see this woman's true colours.
Sadly this won't be the last friendship to have been spoiled by an outsider. No wonder she has few friends!
I don't expect you will get much from your dh and her dh. It is very hurtful.
The same scenario happened to me a couple of years ago. It was with a group. And another pair of friends moved on as well at much the same time. Suddenly I was left with just one friend.
Mourn the loss, dust yourself off and move on. I have some new friends now. It took turning my energy away from the women, who'd moved on from me and turning towards others. It was hard! More so because I'm chronically ill and have very little energy.
Sometimes friendships run their course. They also go through ups and downs along the way especially after 20 years.
Old Friend now has the novelty of New Friend, reality is, it's like any relationship, all sparkly and fresh to start with, but that doesn't last long.
I'd place distance between you and them, and see what happens. Unfortunately Fb is tedious in the extreme for setting up the illusion of how wonderful everything is. And for rubbing people's noses in it.
Horrible, but try to take back control and ignore their playground antics.
The term 'Wendy' comes from the Judy Blume book, 'Blubber' where Wendy the nasty queen bee in Jill's class starts a bullying campaign against a girl called Linda. Jill joins in with the bullying but eventually the bullies turn on her.
Like most, I've been subjected to this crap. <<bitter experience emoticon>>
I was recently introduced to a friend of a friend and was resolute I wouldn't contact Friend 2 independently. Even though I got on with Friend 2 better than Friend 1 as it turned out! It's just incredibly bad form and destroys trust. Seen it so many times on here!
Walk away as it were.
If they want to be best buddies and exclude you, so be it.
A true friend would pick up on what is happening, this one is not.
Don't get stressed over it, just put it down to the fact that the friendship has run its course and move on.
Tad brutal but why waste your time on a friendship which is not reciprocated.
I would not give them the satisfaction of asking why you've been excluded because they are also gaslighting you which is a form of emotional abuse - i.e. You know they are treating you badly but when you ask them they try to make you feel that you are paranoid. Just walk away. Delete them from Facebook and then they won't have this game to play any more.
Try and arrange a few things with just your old friend. But not for a few weeks. Let the dust settle and hopefully in the mean time new "friend" will start to show her true colours.
Just be fabulously "busy" in the mean time!
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