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To hate myself

(26 Posts)
Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 00:51:53

Two years ago I had a job, I had savings, I was thin and attractive, men chatted me up, I was confident and funny. I had friends And I was happy.
Now I am a SAHM to my ds 22 month (who i love to bits!) I mean overweight, I have stretchmarks all over my body, I am on medication for depression, I have no job, no money of my own, no confidence. I feel so frumpy and low all the time. I miss how I was before. I think about taking out life insurance on myself and then ending It all. At least then
I will have provided for my son and
Dh can remarry and give ds the mummy he deserves

DJBaggySmalls Wed 04-Jan-17 00:55:30

Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility you have post natal depression?
Start there, then make a list of whats wrong. Then work out ways you can start to make small, manageable changes. Use the stepping stone method; you cant fix all that in one go.
Dont suffer in silence, and dont hurt yourself. Life moves on, it really does. flowers

M0nkington Wed 04-Jan-17 00:56:50

Life insurance doesn't pay out for suicide. Go and see your GP and ask for help. You can get your body and confidence back. Good luck OP, it's a new year, you got this!

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 00:58:51

I'm on 60mg Prozac and I go to counselling sessions once a fortnight roughly. But i feel so useless. I'm fat, unemployed and depressed. I hate myself

freddiemercury Wed 04-Jan-17 01:09:16

back to doctor. and be kind to yourself....having a baby is a massive life change. understandable to.feel completely at odds. but look the baby isn't going away, so you need to find ways to cope. you can lose the weight etc etc....nothing is insurmountable but it sounds like you need help to get there. many of us do..nothing to be ashamed about. but ask for the help you clearly need

freddiemercury Wed 04-Jan-17 01:10:40

ps...the mummy your baby needs is the mummy who loves him...YOU!!! Sure you are doing a brilliant

MommaGee Wed 04-Jan-17 01:14:18

Youre not unemployed youre a SAHM.
He has the Mommy he needs - you.
Please go back to the doc and see if you can see a psychiatrists perhaps to look at your meds.
Be kind to yourself OP

Also, Samaritans are awesome xflowers

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 01:16:21

I love him more than anything and I feel so guilty that he has a depressed mummy and I don't have enough money to treat him like other mums treat their babies. My parents help us out with money it's embarrassing but I can't refuse the help. They say that my grandparents helped them out when they needed it so now they are doing it for us but I feel so guilty that I am not providing for my own don

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 01:16:36

Son not don

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 01:17:48

Gem arr you lookig after your little boy? If so, you are not unemployed. You are doing the most important job in the world. But if you woudl like to work outside the home, explore jobs in your area and child care, look and see what may work part-time if that suits you.

You can change being fat, and I am not even sure how fat you may be. I am pretty fat but I am really very happy. None of the things you have posted is 'responsible'f for your low mood, but you can get help for your feelings and then you can begin to work on the things that are not good doe you.

Please, please see that what you have gone, having a great lovely baby, is a miracle.

Thinking of you. thanks

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 01:19:19

for you.

Please, please see that what you have done...

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 01:21:25

I know I am so lucky to be healthy, my partner is healthy and my son is healthy, but I just feel that he deserves a better mummy than me, does that make sense?? I took so long to bond with him and it makes me feel so guilty and now I want to be the best mum ever and I can't. I see other mums looking gorgeous and happy and I feel so jealous. I look so different to when dh met me. He probably thinks I look hideous but can't say anything. I used to be so confident and I feel like a shell now. I'm a mum. That's it. That's all I am. And I'm a shit one at that.

MommaGee Wed 04-Jan-17 01:21:35

You provide love and cuddles and bum wiping and bogey swiping. Probably story time and bath time and food and songs and tickles. You will provide him with the foundation on which is life is built - far more important than buying toys and comics.
Theres stuff you can do for free or low cost (we have a think tank by us - only £3 after 3pm term time and garden free after 3 pm; park; anywhere with ducks and geese etc) as well as playing at home.

When he is grown with a baby of his own, you'll be able to pass it on and help him out the way your parents want to for you. Its not pity, its love.

Do you need the child benefit for bills or can you draw this out each week so you have money in your pocket to spend on him? How sharing is DP with the cash?

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 01:24:58

The child befefit goes towards rent and council tax, dh works two jobs and pretends he is fine with that but he is tired. I am going back to work hopefully in April when my mum retires and wants to look after my son. I am not qualified for anything though. Only jobs I have ever done are waitressing and cleaning.

MommaGee Wed 04-Jan-17 01:25:30

Also can you get out the house without your son? Take up a free class at the local college when DH or parents can have your son? Join a fitness class or a library or just go out for a coffee? I get the just a mom thing. D's is 19 months. My clothe never match and I some days I can't remember if I've brushed my hair. I took redundancy because of his additional care needs but I feel like I'm just a fat mommy now. I try and make sure I see my friends or get time alone
Went to the pub Monday and let DH take son home alone
I went and got coffee - alone

MommaGee Wed 04-Jan-17 01:26:31

Sounds like your mom is fab and desperate to help - please let her and be glad not ashamed z

MrsBlennerhassett Wed 04-Jan-17 01:41:09

I felt like this. I went from working 70 hour weeks in the city to being a SAHM in a rural area. I went from a size 10 to being obese because i was very sick during my pregnancy and couldnt walk and then tore during the birth so couldnt walk for even longer!! Breastfeeding made one of my boobs swell up to twice the size of the other and its still noticeably different to the other even now. I got PND and was put on antidepressents and felt like i was useless both to my husband and beautiful son.
Going on antidepressants worked very well for me. I was only put on a low dose of amytriptalyne but it helped me sleep much better which improved my energy levels.
One of the other most helpful things for me was joining slimming world! I know that sounds ridiculous but it wasnt so much the diet but having somewhere to go on my own each week and something to focus on other than my child and the housework. Doesnt need to be slimming world could be some sort of fitness group like zumba or areobics etc
Being around other people without babies and doing something for myself really helped me. Also i lost weight gradually which helped me feel better about my appearance and also made me fitter so that i started to enjoy walking again.
Like you i dont really have any professional qualifications.. i did used to work in a psychiatric hospital which i loved but theres no way i could go back to it now due to the hours involved. I felt very sad about this for a long time and guilty as tho i wasnt really doing anything. But you are doing something, you are taking care of a child and it may not feel very glamorous but it is incredibly important and you are incredibly important and i bet your partner knows that even if he is stressed at work. If you werent there looking after his child he would be even more stressed!!

WanderingStar1 Wed 04-Jan-17 01:59:03

Aah you poor thing, it can be hard looking after the first DC and if you have PND I can't imagine how people cope! You're doing a brilliant job, like pps have said! Please do keep talking to your GP to get the right help, and let your Mum help, but most of all, don't beat yourself up about any of it. Try to accept that you are amazing, your DH doesn't care if you've put on a bit of weight - and loves you whatever - and your DS needs you just as you are. Things will improve, please try not to panic and don't even think about doing anything silly. Babies get easier, and PND can be sorted, so hang in there! flowers

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 02:17:27

Well thanks to you lovely lot I have managed to calm down and go to bed, which is unusual for me usually I am pacing the floors until morning, stressing and panicing

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 02:52:57

Your life is different than it was 2 years ago, but. Different doesn't have to mean worse.
2years ago. You didn't have a son, who Loves you uncondionally. Surely that's worth more than 1 million men chatting you up.
You say you have no job, but. You're doing the hardest job in the world. With no annual leave or tea breaks.
You're astar. Your boy needs you
There's far far far more to life than being thin. I promise

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Wed 04-Jan-17 03:09:13

I'm glad you can get some rest but just wanted to add a voice of support and understanding. I have felt the way you feel, and I remember all too well how hard it was.

But I, and you, don't deserve to feel that way. Depression is a flaw in chemistry and not your character. It's an illness and you must take care of yourself.

Good night and hope you have a better morning star

CheerfulYank Wed 04-Jan-17 03:19:28

Well first off, you can't get life insurance for suicide so that's out, you hear me?

Even if it's just waitressing etc you will feel much much better. It's so hard to feel isolated and tired. One step at a time.

mum2Bomg Wed 04-Jan-17 03:42:30

I promise there is far more to you than just being a mum and you are very important to a lot of people. flowers Especially your DM, DF, DO and DC.

Gem90 Wed 04-Jan-17 08:43:58

Woken up feeling a bit brighter. Last night was a bad night but today is a new day so I'm going to get dressed and take my boy out for some fresh air. That always makes me feel happy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 09:47:15

Exactly Gem. Whatever yesterday brought you. Tommorow is always another day.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is gift. That's why its called the present.

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