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To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

(301 Posts)
PullThePebble Tue 03-Jan-17 19:47:15

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

QuestionableMouse Tue 03-Jan-17 19:50:09

You sound like you're at breaking point tbh. Can you get any respite care to give you a break?

user1471453601 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:50:10

Oh, sweetheart. No advice, just my deepest sympathy. You need help, for both of you

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:52:06

You're not a horrible person. You'd be up there hurting her now instead of posting on here if you were a horrible person. You're struggling, that's all. And it's totally normal to struggle, and totally normal to ask for help. Far better to post on here and admit to how you're feeling than to continue feeling helpless.

I don't have many useful suggestions, but have you been to your GP and asked for help? Show them this thread so they know what you're going through. And look for Autism support groups near you; there's one near us which meets once a month, I go every month regardless of being tired/fed up/not in the mood because the support I receive is invaluable at times when you feel like I'm losing the plot.

Your DP doesn't sound as though he's supporting you much either; is he struggling too?

BillSykesDog Tue 03-Jan-17 19:52:11

All I can say is that the fact you haven't done it and have come to vent on here instead shows what a good mother you are.

MauiPooTroll Tue 03-Jan-17 19:53:31

The very fact that you're on here, looking for support means you're most definitely not a monster.

But, obviously you're struggling. Do you know any other parents with children who display similar behaviour to your DD? The National Autistic Society are v good and might be able to help?

Potnoodlewilld0 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:54:33

Your at breaking point.

Can you and dp not do alternitive bed times at least?

Fartleks Tue 03-Jan-17 19:55:40

Can dp do bedtime?

HildaWazzo Tue 03-Jan-17 19:57:50

I don't think you're a horrible person. I think you need more support doing a tough job and I think you need a break. It would be a good idea to see your GP in case you are becoming depressed (which would be understandable and nothing to be ashamed of). You need to ask for help, don't try to struggle on, for both your sakes.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 03-Jan-17 19:58:28

OP I understand that you're at the end of your tether but your description of how you want to harm your DD is so vivid that I think you need to seek immediate help. I don't know what that would be. I really don't intend to judge you but I'm concerned for your DD and you too.

ginorwine Tue 03-Jan-17 19:58:50

You are not a horrible mother .
These feelings are understandably frightening but they are signs of emotional exhaustion - be kind to yourself - anyone may feel this way - and get support too .

takemetothehamptons Tue 03-Jan-17 19:58:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bumsexatthebingo Tue 03-Jan-17 19:59:18

Could you get one of those safety helmet things and put that on her and leave the room for a while when it gets that bad. I think of you're constantly being hit with no escape a feeling of anger is normal and you haven't acted on it so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about the feeling.

CalleighDoodle Tue 03-Jan-17 19:59:44

Another for saying can dp do bedtime?

Potnoodlewilld0 Tue 03-Jan-17 20:00:55

take because everybody else can see op is at breaking point and not actually going to do it and offering support instead of shaming

kittybiscuits Tue 03-Jan-17 20:01:07

People may know the difference between feeling like it and actually doing it. Some people feel very empathic and concerned about the OP and the strain she's under.

Thetruthfairy Tue 03-Jan-17 20:01:50

Op, has your daughter recently been diagnosed? Are you in touch with any organisation that can offer you support? You sound as though you are in need of specialist advise as her behaviour does sound very challenging. No wonder you are at the end of your tether if you are doing this alone.
You really need to get immediate help though as I can imagine the situation will get worse without a support system around you.
Your DP is wrong to make you feel horrible. Is he try to address her bad behaviour himself?
I'm only thinking off the top of my head here but removing myself from the situation is the only way I can recompose myself when my dc's play up. I plonk them somewhere self and take 10 mins to talk myself down. I do get enraged but not quit on the same level.
I think you are dealing with too much xxx

Stormwhale Tue 03-Jan-17 20:02:04

You are not horrible. You poor thing. The scene you described pushed my blood pressure up and I'm not there dealing with it. You need a break, and if your dp thinks he can do it so much better it is now officially his fucking job.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Tue 03-Jan-17 20:03:29

It's called compassion, take.

ginorwine Tue 03-Jan-17 20:03:37

Yes it's horrible
It's horrible that she's got to this point and feels this way
Yes it's breaking point but she's admitting it and getting help and support
If others were able to say and get help then it wd help them too but if we make such struggles taboo then people won't reach out fir help
Many people will have felt similar but just not said ( I speak from experience in my previous career )
Yes it's not ideal but it needs help sent it s way .

takemetothehamptons Tue 03-Jan-17 20:03:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gatehouse77 Tue 03-Jan-17 20:04:29

You're not horrible. I have had similar thoughts at times with each of mine. The fact that you don't act on it is what makes you a good parent.

One of mine went through a stage of waking in the night (he was under 6 months and still in our room), raising both legs and slamming them down. Repeatedly. For up to an hour at times. One night I left the room. Once DH had settled him he came to get me. I told him I needed more time or I was going to break his fucking legs! Obviously, I wouldn't have but the rage and emotion was there.

Can you tag team with your DH and do different parts of the nighttime routine?

Trifleorbust Tue 03-Jan-17 20:05:32

takemetothehamptons: Because everyone has a breaking point.

PullThePebble Tue 03-Jan-17 20:07:06

I don't know any one who can really understand, I don't really have any friends (I was diagnosed with Asperger's at university so that may be why)

I'm trying to talk to dp about it and he has just said, 'You sound dangerous, what would you be saying to me if I'd told you that, get out of the house I expect'

I feel exhausted, shaky and like I want to burst into tears all the time.

I did see my gp a few weeks ago who prescribed antidepressants (which I stopped taking after a week, the side effects were horrendous) and I'm waiting for a follow up appointment next week.

bigbuttons Tue 03-Jan-17 20:07:23

take don't be so bloody ridiculous.
OP I feel for you, no advice to give, but I really hope you manage to get some respite and help.
Well done for posting here, that was brave x

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