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To be pissed off with family.

(24 Posts)
iamamickey Tue 03-Jan-17 16:26:54

So my Cousin has died. He lived in a city 3 hours drive away from us. It was sudden and he's being buried on Friday. He has two grown up children who are devastated and as his wife died tragically young they are now orphans. My mother is devastated. She was close to him.

I will be driving her to the funeral. My husband works in another country so is not around to help. I have three young kids and will need to bring them with me as I can't get them
Minded by anyone. So not only can none of the family take mum to the funeral (they aren't going) but none of them
Can mind my kids to let me go to support mum. She's registered deaf so couldn't go alone. I'm kinda pissed off because when I messaged a friend to ask if she could help she just replied she was busy. Not even a message of sympathy or sorry to hear that.

I never ever ask for their help as I'm a SAHM and don't usually need any help. Which is just as well!! AIBU To be pissed off that no one is willing to help?

MrsHathaway Tue 03-Jan-17 16:34:26

I'm so sorry for your loss.

YANBU to feel upset that they haven't even offered condolences when refusing/declining to help. What's happened to people's manners?!

Ilovecaindingle Tue 03-Jan-17 16:38:32

Sorry for your loss. .
Is there a parent from school who could step in to help on Friday?

iamamickey Tue 03-Jan-17 16:38:44

Thanks. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit blinded. Is it really bad if I took the kids to the service? I would sit at the back and leave if they made noise. It's just mum can't go in on her own. She's not able but we don't know anyone where the funeral is.

iamamickey Tue 03-Jan-17 16:41:43

Ilove no there isn't. The two in school have only been there since September so I don't know anyone that well yet and I think as it's so far away I would not feel comfortable asking them
To have the kids such a long time if I didn't know them really well.

I have Siblings who refuse to take time off work to help and one who is going "out" that day and won't rearrange plans to help. Which maybe is fair enough. I don't know what she's doing so maybe it's important.

gleam Tue 03-Jan-17 17:08:20

I think YABU to be pissed off, tbh. Everyone has their own stuff they think is important.

iamamickey Tue 03-Jan-17 17:19:22

Fair enough Gleam. Ur probably right. I'm just thinking of the many many times I have put myself out to help them. But that's fine I'm only a SAHM. What could I possibly be doing that's worth while.

LadyintheRadiator Tue 03-Jan-17 17:25:13

Whatever else someone might have going on I can't imagine being so self-absorbed to render me incapable of acknowledging someone's loss.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. If no one will help I'd take the DC and step out if needed. Hopefully someone will offer to help though. I'd help out any of the school mums in these circumstances. Maybe ask on the dreaded Facebook. Obv some people are self-centred but generally speaking i think people like being able to be helpful at times like these.

WhatHaveIFound Tue 03-Jan-17 17:28:12

So sorry for your loss.

Is the funeral on a school day? Is there any way you could book your older children into breakfast/after school club? Or did they go to a nursery where you could ask one of the staff to look after them for the day?

Failing that i'd sit at the back with your DC and bribe them to stay quiet. How old are they? Maybe a colouring/sticker book?

BackforGood Tue 03-Jan-17 17:41:09

It is difficult for us to know if your siblings ABU or not - for example, it's not so easy to get time off for a funeral if you are a surgeon, but might be easier if you work in an office. However, I'd have thought if they could get the time off, then surely they would attend the funeral too, so it still wouldn't help you with childcare.
I can't perceive of people not knowing anyone who would help them out after school, for a funeral though - I mean - people just would, in my world. I've read it on MN before, but it just seems so alien to me.

Mumzypopz Tue 03-Jan-17 17:41:38

Im sorry your friend omitted to say sorry for your loss, that's just bad manners. However you have said one of your Siblings "refuses to take time off", which could be a bit ingenious on your part...Perhaps it's not that easy for them to do so. They could have used up all their leave or need to save it for other things, or simply be not allowed to take it or something. I know you have said you have helped them out in the past, but does this amount to a full days childcare?

Welshmaenad Tue 03-Jan-17 17:44:22

I would take a days leave to help a friend in this situation, never mind a sibling, and taking leave isn't especially easy for me.

Rosae Tue 03-Jan-17 17:54:50

Why can't your kids come with? Mine would.

Mumzypopz Tue 03-Jan-17 17:56:39

Apologies, didn't mean for my post to sound so harsh, and I do hope you are able to resolve this, I just think it's not always easy for people to drop things and be available at short notice. I don't think you said if your Siblings have children? If they do, could they already have to pay childcare for theirs so might possibly still have to pay for that whilst looking after yours? (I know sometimes childcare contracts still mean you have to pay if they are there or not?).

iamamickey Tue 03-Jan-17 18:33:12

I'm going to take my children and sit at the back. They are 7,6 and 4. No my siblings don't have children and they all work for my families business.

Butterymuffin Tue 03-Jan-17 18:35:57

Even if these people can't change their own commitments, why can't they at least say 'sorry, I would if I could but...'? A show on consideration would be nice!

Take them OP, and don't do favours for this lot in future.

MrsHathaway Tue 03-Jan-17 19:03:46

7, 6 and 4 are probably old enough to cope well with a funeral without being old enough to take it very personally. We took our then 7.6 and 4.9 to GMIL's funeral around this time last year and although they needed a certain amount of preparation they weren't at all distressed or disruptive.

It's likely their presence will mean a lot to your poor mother, as well.

PotteringAlong Tue 03-Jan-17 19:12:31

YABU to expect them to take annual leave to look after your children - you can say
* But that's fine I'm only a SAHM. What could I possibly be doing that's worth while.* all you like, but you MUST see that it's different.

If there's you and your 3 children, do you not have a 5 seater car? Why can't your mum come with you anyway?

chipsandchilli Tue 03-Jan-17 19:17:41

I took 3dc under 13 to my DGMs funeral and they coped fine, just made sure i explained what would happen and that people/family would be upset.

MrsHathaway Tue 03-Jan-17 19:22:22

Pottering - OP says she's driving her mother so I don't understand your comment.

NapQueen Tue 03-Jan-17 19:24:10

You are kind to offer to take your mother. Can she not travel by other means?

SheldonCRules Tue 03-Jan-17 19:27:26

Annual leave is very precious, there's not many that would book it to take care of someone else's children. Very different to a SAHP who is home anyway so no sacrifice to make by helping out.

You could book a professional sitter if you don't want to take them, there are reputable agencies that can arrange this.

PotteringAlong Tue 03-Jan-17 19:27:30

I misunderstood - I thought she was saying because she had no one to watch the children she couldn't be there to support her mother. My apologies.

TheySayIamparanoid Tue 03-Jan-17 20:00:01

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

Store their replies and repeat back next time they ask you for help

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