AIBU not to help more?(17 Posts)
So, imagine you've expressed an interest in joining a school mum's weight loss group once she's done her training for said weight loss group. Then you discover that you're apparently not a member but a helper - in charge of the shop. Then you find out the group that's being set up is in a town twenty minutes drive away at best, and at a time that means partner needs to leave work early in order to take over with kids so you can get to meeting to help.
So far, so stupid of me as I've lacked the necessary guts / balls / nerves / backbone / whatever to say no.
12 months later school mum weight loss leader (SMWLL) has finally set up another meeting in town we live in. Hurray - no more spending 2.5 -3 hours a week travelling to, setting up, helping at then packing up the meeting. Instead I'm helping at brand new class so only about 1h 45m per week of my time due to reduced commute. Much better. Don't really need to keep going to meeting for my own weight loss any more (still more to lose ideally but am confident now I can do it myself) but planning on helping while new group grows then SMWLL can ask one of the regulars at new group to be helper instead.
Brilliant, I think, I get to dodge confrontation and potential upset and yet eventually get my time back. Until...
This morning I get a message from SMWLL asking if I'll keep going to other town meeting as well as new meeting as she's worried about what will happen if there's lots of new members joining in other town meeting - she wants me to meet and greet newcomers and help them sign up.
I've been trying to compose a reply all day. I don't want to upset her - she can be fragile at times - but I really don't want to spend 5 hours a week all through January doing two weight loss groups which are, essentially, her business.
AIBU not to help more?
AIBU to think she's BU to ask me?
AIBU not to have the nerve to say no when something is inconvenient (long term people pleaser.)?
Got to see her later as our eldest DC are in a music class together. AIBU to tell her that she's lovely but she's asking too much - January is hectic for partner and me work-wise. Don't want to keep dragging DC to the meetings as partner won't be back in time, need my evenings for my own work.
Then I feel mean as it's just January. I could go to other town meeting just for first 45 mins so I could meet and greet as she's asked.
I need to grow a backbone don't I?
'Unfortunately circumstances have changed for 2017 and I won't be able to help anymore. Sorry - and hope my replacement enjoys the post as much as I did!'
She's put on you for far too long, if you no longer want to do it, you need to say no. Has she been making money from this club and you just volunteering?
"Hi <Friend>, Hope you had a great xmas, our has been busy but fun. I was actually about to write to you to let you know that I don't think I'll be able to help at the group any longer. DH was needing to leave work early to take over with the kids and an entire evening a week is really just too large a time commitment for the family to do without me this year. Since there's a group opening in <our town> I'm happy to come along and help until things are up and running and then I'm sure you'll be able to find someone to take a turn as helper. I hope I've been helpful over the last year, I think it's a great group and it's really helped to get my weight loss up and running. It's be great to have you <and kids if applicable> over sometime soon for a proper non weight loss catch up!
See you soon Baking! xx
Bigbag, can I employ you to help me get out of all the things I can't say no to? Great reply!
OP, you are very very kind! You have done too much already.
I wouldn't do anymore, bigbag answer is perfect.
Yanbu. These groups seem to really take advantage of their unpaid helpers!
BigBag That's great, thanks. I'm going to base my response on that. Unfortunately I'm now going to have to deal with it face to face as I'd avoided replying and now I'll be seeing her in about twenty mins at DD's bloody music group that I thought wasn't back on until next week (her DD goes too)
Mumzy yep, it's her job (albeit a second one at the moment) I get free membership and about a quid a week but I'd rather pay membership and be free to drop in to meetings instead of doing set up, running shop, packing away at end.
2017 needs to be the year of the backbone. She's a nice person but a bit thoughtless when it comes to asking people for help. I'm going to try to gently point out that she's already asking a lot with just one meeting, and two is just too much. May as well warn her that I don't want to continue for more than a few more months so I'll help establish new meeting but need to be on look out from start for a candidate to help her at new meeting too.
Off to music group (and for the talk) now - wish me luck!
May be taking her a tea in a thermal mug to prove I'm not such a cow
You may need to consider that she's not thoughtless but manipulative. Good luck!
Gleam I'd be saying the same if it wasn't my thread! She isn't though, just dizzy and then gets overly stressed.
Thanks all, spoke to her and said that I know she's panicking as otherwise I'm sure she'd have realised what a big ask it is. I've suggested various members of the other town meeting who could help, and reminded her that I'm at other town meeting this week so will help show someone else how to do welcomes and weigh in (it's really not rocket science!)
She mentioned just coming for forty minutes but luckily her youngest chose that moment to shout about something (toddler) so I then changed the subject.
I won't leave her to struggle, but I'm not the only option she has.
I also talked about it being a good idea to get someone else helping out at the new meeting straight away as she's allowed two helpers and it means that when I stop being able to help there's someone else there already who'll be able to show someone new what to do.
There were tears but I think she's just knackered and is overwhelmed as she's been overthinking things and had forgotten I'll be at other town meeting this week as new meeting not until next week.
Thanks again for your help. I'm getting a backbone this year of it kills me - I'm knackering myself out helping people and then too tired to do my own stuff.
So your the unpaid help whilst she earns a living? No, I'm no longer able to help is all you need to say.
Training up another member would be going above no beyond, then don't go back to either group except for weigh ins. You've been far too kind as it is.
Assuming this is WW? I go and it always amazes me the demands the leader makes on the helpers for very very little return yet leader moans if members miss a week as she gets less money!
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