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To admit I don't trust DP

(26 Posts)
Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 14:39:48

We've had various problems and for him he'll probably feel like it's coming out of nowhere but it really hasn't for me.
He has form for lying as well as telling me the only reason he lives with me is because I apparently forced him to... I don't know how but apparently that's the only reason we live together now. He still insists its good that we live together though hmm
I feel like he's chipped away at our relationship and done nothing to repair it. i know he'll turn it into an argument but I don't want one. I just want to try and repair what we can and get the trust back (if we can).
I just don't know how well repair it or even how to tell him I feel like our relationship is failing but I want to fix it without it being an argument. I'm far too tired to argue with him. Should I talk to him and risk the argument or would I just be picking A fight?

Crisscrosscranky Tue 03-Jan-17 14:44:43

How long have you been together? Do you have kids?

It doesn't sound as though there is much worth saving, at least not at the expense of your self-esteem.


PollytheDolly Tue 03-Jan-17 14:50:35

Sound like a right knob. You deserve better than that.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 14:53:34

We've been together 3 years. I have a son, he is not dps son though although ds tells everyone he is his dad because his own dad is a bit of a failure to say the least.
I'd feel terrible splitting our family up if I'm honest.

gwenneh Tue 03-Jan-17 14:55:31

You don't have a family if he's telling people -- YOU! -- that he's forced to be there.

So there's nothing to split up.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 14:58:48

Ive never thought about it like that gwenneh...
i would also be homeless if I left too. I know that sounds terrible but if it was between being homeless with ds and staying with DP despite our relationship being terrible I know I would stick with DP

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 14:59:49

Sorry to drop feed. I tried my best to make my original post one that wouldn't bore the pants off anyone reading but I think that's backfired and meant I've left too much out

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 15:02:09

I'm going to talk to him this evening... If it causes an argument at least I tried. It's a bit last ditch but it might make me realise it's not a good option to stay if he can't even try and help resolve this with me.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 03-Jan-17 15:04:38

He sounds like a prize prick. He doesn't like you, puts you down, lies to your face? What positives does he bring?

Klaphat Tue 03-Jan-17 15:08:26

Should I talk to him and risk the argument or would I just be picking A fight?
So you're convinced he will turn a calm discussion into an argument. OK, some things are sensitive and end up as an argument of sorts no matter how delicately they're approached. However - do you think it is reasonable to say that that would be you 'picking a fight' if it happened?

Sometimes people end up arguing when it's a difficult subject. Doesn't mean those subjects can just be ignored forever for fear of blame for wanting to have the conversation.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 15:14:13

Felicia this sounds terrible but he puts a roof over our head and supports my work an awful lot. Although sometimes I feel that his support can sometimes come across as him taking over. He has to be the one doing things even if they aren't his job.

Klaphat- I just feel bad because I know we will end up arguing over this. It starts with me asking to talk and explaining my issues. He then says nothing. When I ask for his input he repeats "I just don't know what to say" so I say can he try and think of something and it escalates because he doesn't want to and I believe he just can't be arsed to try.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 15:15:09

Maybe I don't want to bring it up because I know he won't react well and I'll have to admit I need to be out of this relationship? It's starting to feel a bit like no matter what he does he can't get it right. Perhaps too much damage has been done.

gillybeanz Tue 03-Jan-17 15:18:17

I'd just ltb tbh, some people just aren't worth it.
Why belittle yourself and be with a man who thinks so little of you?
he's a liar, you don't trust him and by his own admission he doesn't want to be there, he's just forced.

whattodowiththepoo Tue 03-Jan-17 15:18:24

What exactly do you want him to do and or change?

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 15:23:00

Whattodowiththepoo... I actually have no idea... I just want everything I've been through to be worth something I guess. if he could put some physical effort in to our relationship rather than just saying sorry and expecting me to still trust or care for him then I'd be slightly happier. Also for him to admit that it's okay that I don't... He acts like I should still trust him because that's what a healthy relationship looks like but I can't help not trusting him. I think he needs to earn that back.

whattodowiththepoo Tue 03-Jan-17 15:30:12

It sounds like he has the emotional capabilities of a llama, take some time to think about what exactly you want from him and find a way of articulating it to a llama.
Or end the relationship, you don't need to rush to make a final decision but you should start being proactive. By either planning on how to be more independent and leaving or finding a way of explaining.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 15:34:40

At least the llama comment made me giggle today grin I think I'm going to do exactly that thank you whattodowiththepoo

Peanutbutterrules Tue 03-Jan-17 15:38:29

Doesn't sound great OP.

When he says ' I don't know what to say' I'd suggest telling him to go away and think about it and come back to discuss it the next day. My DH does this sometimes and it's generally because he is a bit stunned by what I'm said and needs time to process and respond. If I push for an immediate response it never works - after all I've been thinking about whatever the topic is for a while and know how I feel - give him the space to think and respond carefully.

Frankly...the talk about being forced to live together is pretty awful and I'd have a real issue with that, and if he's lied to you in the past and doesn't get that he has to earn your trust back then he doesn't get what he's done at all. Not being able to trust the person you live with kinda sucks in a big way.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 03-Jan-17 15:57:35

If there is no trust, then there is no relationship.

It sounds as if you moved in with him rather than vice versa. Could he feel it was 'forced' as he 'took you in' because you had nowhere else to go or was it a mutual decision in which you gave up a place to move in with him after discussing it together?

If it's the latter, I'd give it up as a bad job and quietly make plans to exit. If it's the former, take a look at your financial situation to see if it can be improved so you can get your own place, even if it's a tiny flat. More work hours, be sure you're getting all benefits you're entitled to, housing help, etc. The lying would be a deal-breaker for me but if you want to salvage the relationship and he truly feels that he was forced into living together then perhaps removing that pressure might help things.

Fuckingnamechanged Tue 03-Jan-17 16:37:51

Peanut butter that makes total sense and it's exactly how I feel.

Acrossthepond - I gave up a place to move in. I also had to give up my career as I no longer was near to my parents for the free childcare they provided and my job didn't earn enough in comparison to the childcare we'd have to pay out. He didn't like this but we discussed it and he said he'd support me and wanted this to work. I can sort of see why he felt the need to move in. But I don't get why he did it if he didn't feel ready. I also question why he didn't feel ready at that point. I know people move at different paces but his pace is ridiculously slow. It's not like it was a few months in... We'd been together a couple years.

I have the issue now that my son is settled and I really love my current job but living alone where we are would be far too expensive for the work that I do. I've only just found my job and I'd be heartbroken if I had to give it up and move my son to a different school. Everything is good bar our relationship. It feels like if he made an effort to regain the trust we could have a really nice life together but I also think that may be asking too much as you can't always have everything you want. It would almost be too good to be true if that happened.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 04-Jan-17 00:50:17

In that case, I'd move back home. I know DS is settled but I think he'll quickly settle back in hear his grandparents.

I have a cousin who married and had two children. When the youngest was a year old her DH told her that she'd 'forced' him into marriage (she was NOT pregnant) and left her. Looking back she says she did tell him to shit or get off the pot as she was ready to marry and have children, but in the end he made the decision to marry her rather than lose her.

You say 'everything is good barring the relationship' but that isn't really true, is it? Because everything in our lives (jobs, children, friendships) is affected by the state of our 'domestic affairs'. If our homelife is unhappy, nothing is truly 'right'. We're just putting on a face for the other people in our lives.

RedHelenB Wed 04-Jan-17 08:14:22

Sounds like you have made your mind up to stay because of your lifestyle. It also sounds as though dp wont change so I would give up om the chats as they are only frustrating you and nothing is changing.

Marynary Wed 04-Jan-17 09:20:02

I don't really see the point in talking to him if you are determined to stay anyway. The only reason for doing it is that you are hoping he will say what you want to hear but he is likely to see it as you starting an argument. If you really want to communicate (whatever the answer), I would consider counselling.

SheldonCRules Wed 04-Jan-17 09:49:06

What sort of example and message does it send to your son given you've admitted you are only with him for his money.

Do you want him to think that's what he has to settle for, a girl that does that?

Given you could work in your home town, then be honest and move back.

Fuckingnamechanged Wed 04-Jan-17 22:14:14

I'm not with him for his money :/ if I were I'd have left by now. No amount of paying for anything is worth putting up with what I have when you don't even love someone.
If I didn't actually care about him and love him I would have given up at the first hurdle.
I also contribute a fair amount, just not as much as DP does as he is the higher earner. dp couldn't afford our flat either if I left as the second income would be gone. If I leave he will also be homeless.

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