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To ask if this is rape?

(157 Posts)
user1483448360 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:13:54

Asking because I thought it was but now I'm doubting myself so please be gentle with me.

A man and a woman have known each other for a while and get on well. They have always had a very flirtatious relationship but nothing more has ever come of it than that.

One night they are both flirting with each other and joking around. He leans in to kiss her but she doesn't want to and moves away from him. He then gets pissed off and tells her to stop teasing him. He then holds her down and has sex with her despite her telling him no and to stop it but she can't struggle or fight him off.

I thought this was rape because she said no but she didn't struggle/fight him and she had been flirting with him so now am confused.

Please don't be too harsh with me.

bookworm14 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:15:52

Yes, this is rape.

If this happened to you, I'm so sorry. flowers

ScarletSienna Tue 03-Jan-17 13:16:00

It's rape. Many people do not struggle when scared. It's rape. flowers

SexLubeAndAFishSlice Tue 03-Jan-17 13:16:36

Of course it is, she said no. It was nonconsensual sex. As for the 'not fighting him off', it is possible to be frozen with fear/shock.

Was the woman you OP? If so, I hope you are ok flowers I would go to the police if I were you. <hugs>

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 13:17:36

It is rape. I'm so sorry if this was you.

Yes, that is rape.

There's no requirement that a victim of rape should have physically struggled.

In the moment, lots of victims judge it safer to freeze or act friendly.

ninaburrowes.com/books/the-courage-to-be-me/ Chapter 2 explains this a bit.

RebelRogue Tue 03-Jan-17 13:20:01

It is rape.

user1483448360 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:20:05

But could it not have been a misunderstanding and he thought she wanted to?

I don't want to get anyone in trouble or hurt anyone but I think I already may have done.

TimeToChangeFor2017 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:20:20

Yes, it's a clear case of rape.

MommaGee Tue 03-Jan-17 13:20:22

Op is this is you or someone ypi know, please speak to the police. It was rape x

SexLubeAndAFishSlice Tue 03-Jan-17 13:21:51

Whether he thought she wanted to or not doesn't make one jot of a difference. She didn't want to and verbally made this known!

ScarletSienna Tue 03-Jan-17 13:23:38

Flirting is not an excuse to then go on and do something that someone has said no to. It's a clear no. There is no grey area here at all.

WinterIsHereJon Tue 03-Jan-17 13:23:44

Are you the man in this scenario?

user1483448360 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:24:06

Okay thank you for this reassurance.

It happened about a month ago and I did report it but he denies it.

I'm scared nobody will believe me and call me a liar or I will be charged with making it up if they can't prove he did it.

user1483448360 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:25:28

I mean what if they decide I didn't fight hard enough or didn't make it clearer. Will they not say I'm a liar?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 03-Jan-17 13:26:12

Yes its rape. Whoever this has happened to. I'm so sorry.
No it was not a misunderstanding. She said no and told him to stop. There are no other ways to interperate the words No and Stop.
This needs reporting.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice Tue 03-Jan-17 13:27:04

You should watch this video OP, it explains consent really well.

SeriousSteve Tue 03-Jan-17 13:27:17

It's absolutely rape. Fight, flight or freeze.

LivingInMidnight Tue 03-Jan-17 13:29:24

user do you have someone in real life who can support you through this?

You know it was rape, whatever happens you've done the right thing. You've been really brave reporting it. You've been brave posting it here. You can get through this. You were not at fault in any way.

PebbleInTheMoonlight Tue 03-Jan-17 13:30:09

This is a clear example of a woman saying no and the man ignoring that. That is rape.

No grey area of too drunk to say no so implied consent (not that this is more acceptable), the situation described is assault.

Whoever this happened to needs support and I strongly advise speaking to the police.

MrsMeeseeks Tue 03-Jan-17 13:31:56

flowers for you, my love. It wasn't your fault. No grey area there. Well done for reporting it.

coconutpie Tue 03-Jan-17 13:33:53

flowers
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yes, it was rape.

aforestgrewandgrew Tue 03-Jan-17 13:34:02

Yes it's rape.

Freezing / not struggling is an instinctual survival mechanism.

In other words, in a situation like this it may be your instinct not to struggle that prevented you from being in a even worse situation.

It doesn't change what happened.

Who has he denied it to? Is he putting pressure on you or speaking to you directly about the charges? If so this should not be happening and the police should know.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this flowers

user1483448360 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:34:20

Thank you LivingInMidnight I actually went to my sisters house straight afterwards in a right state and she encouraged me to report it.

I remember I was pissed off at her at first because she wouldn't let me have a shower or get rid of my clothes but she encouraged me to report it.

But now I'm having doubts and I can't help thinking he didn't mean it and I have ruined someones life now for no reason.

aforestgrewandgrew Tue 03-Jan-17 13:35:25

Have you been offered any counselling?

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