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AIBU to leave this to ExDH?

(26 Posts)
SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 13:13:27

I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.
Ex DH is taking the kids abroad in the summer. He took them abroad last summer. I bought and packed summer clothes, sandals, toiletries, sun-screen etc for them. He didn't buy or pack anything. We live in Scotland so very few hot weather clothes are required so most of the clothes were bought specially! I also packed an overnight bag with extra clothes for the plane, books, games, colouring, an old iphone I loaded with games, my daughter's Nintendo, spending money etc.
Ex DH claims the hotel housekeeping staff stole some of the girls' clothes, my overnight bag, the spending money ($100), the iphone and all the games and books. I sent ExDH a list of around fifteen items that were missing, and he said he'd look into claiming it on his insurance. It has never been mentioned since.
AIBU unreasonable to tell him that he can buy and pack their summer clothes this year? We have a very difficult relationship. He will never forgive me for leaving him, and regularly phones and shouts at me, even three years later, so I know I will be accused of being obstructive and petty.

Domino20 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:15:18

YANBU. At all!! Tell him to buy replacements with money from insurance claim!

Bringmewineandcake Tue 03-Jan-17 13:15:56

His holiday, his arrangements. You're not his wife so absolutely not responsible for any "wifework" as he appears to see it.

MsMarvel Tue 03-Jan-17 13:17:08

If he's taking then away then he funds it. Clothes and all.

We have the opposite problem where when we take dsd away on holiday, her mum sends her to ours full with 'approved' outfits despite the fact that we buy her stuff to take with us ourselves. Last year she got very annoyed when we politely gave her the stuff back saying there was no room in the suitcase. Apparently she doesn't trust us to adequately dress dsd...

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Tue 03-Jan-17 13:17:54

They're his children too.
Tell him he can provide what they need as he didn't look after the stuff you provided last year.

For your daughters' sake, I would provide him with a list of what they might need

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 03-Jan-17 13:17:58

I wouldn't provide a single thing. Just make sure you give him notice of that so he has plenty of time to go shopping.

TimeToChangeFor2017 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:19:32

I bet you're only getting half of the story here. Either it happened and he claimed, but didn't give you the money, or it didn't happen and he lost everything himself.

Soubriquet Tue 03-Jan-17 13:20:39


Funny how all that stuff got stolen isn't it

Starlight2345 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:24:11

I agree tell him to buy it out insurance money..
I am sure it wasn't stolen..

justnippingin Tue 03-Jan-17 13:26:27

Leave it up to him this time, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask this. I'm guessing if this was a genuine theft he would have kicked up a stink about it & made a claim....somehow it's odd nothing was mentioned again. Anyhow, he'll find reason to "shout" at you regardless of whether it's about this or something else so you can't win anyway. Just wondering if he'll do it though, you don't want your children to feel as though they've not everything they need?

Soubriquet Tue 03-Jan-17 13:28:30

Does he pay maintenance?

I'm wondering if he sold the stuff to "get his money back" from what he gives you

Ouriana Tue 03-Jan-17 13:34:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 13:41:40

Good idea, Ouriana. DD1 came home sun-burnt and with matted hair last year, so I will send sun-screen, a brush, toothbrush etc, and some basic overnight things.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Tue 03-Jan-17 13:43:59

He can do it. I also think he lied about the missing items.

Angrybird123 Tue 03-Jan-17 13:46:38

I really wouldn't send anything - it's absolutely up to him. It became clear v v quickly with my ex that he didn't take care to look after / replace / return stuff sent with the dcs so I insisted he obtain toiletries, pjs, clothes etc and they literally just go in what they are standing up in

rookiemere Tue 03-Jan-17 13:50:19

YANBU, but I agree with Ouriana worth getting some sunscreen.

What age are your DCs? If they are more than 6/7 then you should be able to instill in them the importance of not getting burnt and tell them to put it on themselves/each other. Something like a high factor spray on water resistant one should do the trick.

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 13:50:40

Soubriquet he does pay maintenance, which is another reason he'll expect me to buy and pack for the kids.
To be honest, I think he lost the stuff. He probably wasn't paying attention and left the items somewhere.

Hissy Tue 03-Jan-17 13:55:05

He pays maintenance for the time you have them. He pays for the things they need when with him.

Had he have reimbursed you for the items, I'd say yeah, pack them the stuff they need, teach them to be responsible for their sun protection and be clear that should he neglect them again, they won't be able to go abroad.

Don't allow him to shout at you. Ever. Hang up or make all comms text only.

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 13:56:12

Rokiemere they are 7 and 10. They do know this now. I took them away last summer too, and they kept asking why they never got burnt with me.
Angrybird I have lost count of the PJs, socks, coats, missing homework etc that has never come back.

StewieGMum Tue 03-Jan-17 13:56:50

I wouldn't. He's an adult. He's responsible.

I would start logging all the abusive phone calls with a view to a harassment order. Insist on communicating only by email so he has no chance to hurt you.

Petalbird Tue 03-Jan-17 14:00:36

Send them with nothing but give plenty of warning.

rookiemere Tue 03-Jan-17 14:24:35

Actually thinking about it, its the DCs that will pay the price if you don't pack any clothes. What's the betting he buys nothing or very little and says it's Mummies fault for the entire holiday?

With that in mind I'd set a really low limit and get some very cheap items for them. If you buy from Asda/Primark or similar you should be able to get a couple of t-shirts and shorts for each of them for around a tenner a head, at least then you'll know the DCs will go off with clothes to wear, even if it's something that may not be returned.

I'd quit with the travelling bag and entertainment for sure - his DCs, he can entertain them on the aeroplane.

Soubriquet Tue 03-Jan-17 14:26:33

Actually thinking about it, its the DCs that will pay the price if you don't pack any clothes. What's the betting he buys nothing or very little and says it's Mummies fault for the entire holiday

Argh that's a good point!!

Basics it is. No resale value. I still reckon he took em and sold it

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 03-Jan-17 14:50:50

The more I think about it, the more I'm tempted to pack nothing but toiletries and basics.
When I took the kids to Spain last August, I got a text before we left saying 'DD1 tells me you haven't even bought her sunglasses!' He had questioned her on what I'd bought and fixated on the one item she didn't have. Never mind that she had a brimmed hat to wear.
I think I'll pack each of them some basics in old schoolbags, and only include items which could be left behind.

YorkshireTree Tue 03-Jan-17 18:20:00

Yeah sunscreen is for the children's health. He can get the rest and meh if he forgets. He'll have to deal with the consequences.

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