Mum who phones too much(22 Posts)
Does anyone else have a problem with their mum phoning all the time? I love my mum and love speaking to her etc but she has started phoning every day for an hour at a time! I have a 5 year old and 6 month old and really don't have the time to chat for an hour every day! Yesterday she called 4 times and again this morning. When I do answer the phone she wants to know where I was. Aaagh! I've just got off the phone to her and my dad and I was talking to them for an hour and 5 minutes! Lol. The kitchen is a bombsite and my 5 year old is raiding the fridge. Actually I really should get off mumsnet now ha ha
Yes my mum is like this, and we are not even close, in fact it's a difficult relationship to say the least. She will call and if I don't answer she'll call again 5 times in an hour long space. If I don't have the time to speak I simply don't answer. Problem is, she leaves voicemails. It's usually "hi it's me tried to call you will try later". I've asked her not to do this, it wastes my time checking my voice mail I can see I have a have a missed call! but now and again she will leave voicemails about how she needs to speak to me urgently - which I then panic as I have an elderly grandad who I worry about, but it's never urgent, usually because she is in a shop and seen a lovely top for DD do I want it she does it when I'm at work which is especially annoying as I have a high pressure job.
I once tried to tackle it as she went through a really bad phase of obsessive calling. I had voice mails of just a PA sigh then hanging up. I sent her an email saying could she lay off the phone calls please asnits disturbing my work and I'm very busy anyway and it's causing a lot of stress for me. This was a few years ago and she went in a colossal mood and still reminds me of the "very hurtful" time I "told her not to call me again" (exxageration much!)
Anyhow, my advice would be not to answer but drop a text saying when you can speak and you will call her - take control and only speak when it suits you, you are he one with two small kids and I think people forget this when they think mum's have all the love long day to natter!
Dont talk to them for an hour.
You can actually end the conversation.
I can't talk right now. I'm busy with the kids. I'll call you at 6pm/at 7pm/tomorrow morning...
You could arrange to call them at a certain time.
You could end calls by telling them that you are in the middle of something.
What you need is to be more assertive, take control of the conversation and dont be afraid to put the phone down.
Oops kids need me /im halfway through the ironing/ dinners burning/ whatever got to go I'll call you tomorrow love you bye... phone down.
I have had to cut the phone call short before by saying quickly "oh no! The baby has pooed!" She lets me go quickly after that! The worse thing is that they (my parents) tend to repeat themselves a lot of the time and go into a huge amount of detail about their day/what they had for dinner, who they saw on the bus, they even tell me that they have had a bath 😂 They are cute really and I feel guilty for cutting the conversation short but I have sooo much to do and am on my own most of the time.
Why are you speaking for an hour? Just say "mum I can't talk, I've got to... do dinner/ take dd to brownies: I'll ring you tomorrow."
Oh yes OP I get that or inane drivel about people I don't know. "Kate's mum's not very well, they don't know what's wrong with her and she's struggling to get a GP appointment before Thursday. Paul thinks it might be IBS but she's so stubborn it's taken her this long to get a diagnoses, meanwhile their dog hasn't had a wee in two days and bit a chihuahua on the public bridleway the other day, oh and their son Steven is a junior doctor, but he's packed it in to move to San Francisco with his girlfriend so they're not happy at all."
I'm always who in the name of feck are Kate and Paul?! Meanwhile in the Cherry household is the smoke alarm is going off and the toddler is about to lick a dishwasher tablet
She took early retirement and it's done her no good as I think she is tremendously bored
I know its annoying but spare a thought for some of us who have mothers who never phone.
Most times when I call my mum she tells me she is too busy to talk (also too busy to visit)
is your mum lonely?
Waiting for the post that says "appreciate it as one day they'll be gone"
Some of these sound stifling and it can ruin an otherwise good relationship. I think you need to be honest.. or if you can't then just keep making excuses "toddler just smeared poo on the floor, need to go!" etc. Me and mum text every few days and I see her weekly which is perfect.
Do they have a life outside their kids? My mum doesn't have much going on in hers but she still knows not to be overbearing.
Hi Rory786, I'm sorry you don't hear off your mum. That must be very hard. I do feel guilty when I try and cut the conversation short as I'm aware that they won't be around forever and one day I will really want to talk to them.
Ha ha spookey I only just read your post. Yes, it's pretty stifling. I think they just get bored. Plus they have been unwell so they haven't seen the kids for a while. All chaos seems to happen in my house when I try and talk on the phone!
My grandma used to do this to me and my mam, she would ring and i would be on the phone for ages, even if i had just came from her house. She would call at 3.30 when had just got in with 3 kids from school or ring at 9.15am when i had just got back in the house and had to leave for work at 10.30am so all the morning mess would be left till i come in again meaning i was playing catchup. She would do the same with my DM. I used to say stuff like 'oh no got to go, DDs spilt pop all over'.
She died when we were not expecting her to, was fit as a fiddle, i left her in the hospital after they said she would be on the ward in the morning and i had been there 12 hrs.
I now have massive guilt, not just about leaving her but about the phone calls even though i did her shopping, her housework. She done a lot for me as when i was younger me and DPs didn't get on, i always knew she was there for me. Its not a great feeling.
With the phone calls i wish had just said look im busy at these times i will call you at **, seems so easy now.
If you don't want to tell her to back off, get a headset for when she calls so you can do stuff at the same time and "mmm, oh right, really" at her
Yes cut them short bless them. My parents are similar but too deaf to phone now however dad emails massive blogs about bloody Brexit and the state of the Labour Party and expects an instant answer. He copies all the kids too and gets snotty when we don't all instantly reply. He even emails dds bf whose 17!
Drives us insane. Mum also talks about people who died in 1958!!!
chips don't beat yourself up like that. I bet your nan loved the chats she had with you.
Oh yes OP I get that or inane drivel about people I don't know.
My DM has recently started to do this - I wonder why? She is still working full time in an interesting and varied job, so it's not that.
I don't call my dad very often because when I do, it's an hour long phone marathon! It's impossible to get him to hang up, even when it's DS's bedtime, or he's done a poo or whatever. DP's parents call every Sunday, and talk to us for 15 minutes - 5 minutes each for DP, then his mum talks to me for 5 minute. Much easier to take!
That's actually a good idea icy, probably at the time it seems daft but it would have worked as that's what i found hard, trying to do the housework with the phone.
Thanks foot, my DM says the same, it's just one of those things, she loved the DGGC and i always made sure i took them once a week and i would go more. My DMs a home help and she tells me believe me there are old people struggling who have no one you are being stupid. I think the leaving her in the hospital, i literally walked in the front door and got the call to go back but was too late, made me question the phone calls iyswim, Suppose its the same for a lot of people who are not prepared or expecting it to happen.
I don't answer the phone if it's not convenient. I also have told my mum I don't listen to voicemails, using the excuse that voicemail isn't set up properly on my phone... But I try to be proactive about texting, emailing and skyline, just with little bits of news, and calling when I can. Never speak for an hour though! She does sound lonely and bored, encouraging her to get out and do things would be good longer term
Skyping, not skyline.
I get drivel about the neighbours, but also sometimes I realise she's telling me about someone on the archers...
My nan used to do this to my mum, in the days of landlines only. I remember my mum crying at the phone ringing as she knew it would be Nan, for the third or fourth time that day.
The weird thing is my mum is starting to go that way herself!
Be assertive. If you have the time then have a good old natter, but if not just say I have to go now mum. Or set some rules - my mum knows not to ring me during the day or at work because I told her I wouldn't be able to talk at that time. Tell her when you will be available i.e. can you call me after 8pm when the baby is asleep as I will have time to chat then. You need to train her up!
FWIW my mum has always called for a long chat about absolutely nothing at all, but she had cancer last year and we thought we were going to lose her - at that time she stopped calling and didn't want to talk on the phone either. Had to talk to dad only and she didn't want the phone passed over. Thats when I knew she was really ill, and I was so happy when she started calling me at 8am on a saturday morning again!
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