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To want dss out

(204 Posts)
Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:11:46

Bit of a long one sorry, will try to be brief.
Xmas eve dss 23 and his gf decided to 'bake' in the kitchen, this was after a late night blitz style cleaning fest from me the day before so I was less than amused but let it go on the understanding it would get cleaned up. Every excuse was given throughout the afternoon and evening, with various reasons why it would be done 'later'. Ultimately it wasn't cleaned up and I ended up doing on xmas morning. Dh raised the point with him and dss launched into us both complete with 'fuck offs' and a big argument erupted regards to the lack of respect being shown (this has been an ongoing problem, dh and I both at the end of our teather). Dss took himself off for a few days and in the interim sent a torrent of abuse via text which was more awful than the original outburst. Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok. Ultimately dss was allowed back home on the agreement he would keep to the rule of 'our house our rules' but has failed to apologise and has demanded we keep out of his face so as to avoid confrontation. Now he is back he is saying he shouldn't have to take being told to do things like clean his room because he is an adult, the atmosphere in the home is awful. I'm also worried younger dc will be watching and learning from his example. I guess this is more a wwyd as I'm really completely worn down by the whole thing I can't even think straight.

Skang Tue 03-Jan-17 09:14:35

I would ask him to leave if he can't respect the rest of the household.

Crispbutty Tue 03-Jan-17 09:14:37

Does he pay you any rent for his room?

At 23 he's plenty old enough to stand on his own two feet and I would be telling him to find a place of his own asap. I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that in my own home. Get your husband to deal with it though as it is his son.

MycatsaPirate Tue 03-Jan-17 09:16:49

Sounds tough.

I don't think you should be nagging about his room, just ask him to keep his door shut and bring down cups etc. It's his space, so let him live in a hovel.

But his attitude is appalling. Does he work? Contribute to the house?

I think a sit down to discuss house rules may be in order. He needs to understand that while he is an adult and able to live his own life, he needs to respect the other people he lives with and also appreciate that he is being given a roof over his head. I wouldn't appreciate being told to Fuck Off by a child of mine and I wouldn't tolerate it.

llangennith Tue 03-Jan-17 09:19:14

At 23 he's quite old enough to be asked to move out if he can't behave properly. Stop blaming yourself and get this man out of your house.

titchy Tue 03-Jan-17 09:19:58

Dh didn't want dss back in the house but I maintained that there must be something we have done terribly wrong if this is how dss behaves/feels/thinks is ok.

The only thing you did wrong was let him back. Why on earth do you think you're responsible for his attitude? Your dh has the right idea.

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:23:20

The room clean was in place of any sort of apology for his abuse over the week. He hasn't done it and I'm done asking. The rules and expected behavior was made clear, just now he doesn't want to comply. How should we go about getting him out? Does anyone have any experience? I feel sick with all of this and have hardly slept for days. Dh says we give him a deadline of 6 months time.

CrazyGreyhoundLady Tue 03-Jan-17 09:29:11

I'm 23 live with my dp two dogs and a baby. He will be fine on his own! His behaviour is unacceptable and frankly I would expect more from my teenage brother. I think you did the tight thing letting him come back and giving him a chance to put it right personally.
Yes though now to giving him six months to get things sorted and move out!
Sorry he caused so much trouble for you at Christmas. flowers

emmyhNL Tue 03-Jan-17 09:29:57

If he's behaving like this and obviously disregarding your rules I think it's more 4 weeks than 6 months! Is he working? He should be more than capable of standing on his own feet at 23!

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:30:26

I don't know why I thought I could help him, I thought more forcing him to adhere to rules combined with lots of love and affection might be the answer and bring him through this. He has no respect for anyone, his own dm sent him packing years ago. Maybe this is why I feel more protective. Ultimately dh has had enough and without his strong back up I'm going to find enforcing anything near impossible. One of the conditions of the room clean was that his dg isn't allowed to stay overnight until it's done, I went on the 'overnight guests are a privilege not a right' tack but I think she is here now, I dare not go and check.

HeadElf Tue 03-Jan-17 09:34:13

I'm also 23, live in my own (rented) house with 2 cats, DP and our 9month old DTwins, he has some serious growing up to do. I'm shocked. No one I know, went to school with or uni would ever treat their parents (or step parents) like this. My 25 year old sister only recently moved out from my parents home but wouldn't dream of speaking to them in that way, or leaving any mess after her in their home.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Tue 03-Jan-17 09:34:32

For Christ's sake he's 23! You're talking and he's behaving as if he's 16! It's about time he grew up OP.

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:34:44

Yes he does work, but due to a lot of early 'fun' he isn't as far up the employment tree as he could be so will struggle to keep himself. I was living independently by his age working 2 jobs to manage but if I suggest anything like that to him he looks at me like I've sprouted a second head. He is very spoilt and entitled, I'm just not sure how you treat someone who behaves this way.

Bluntness100 Tue 03-Jan-17 09:34:44

At 23 he knows to be cleaning up th kitchen after he has used it, terrible behaviour and he is old enough to move out and behave like an adult.

As for the room cleaning, I'm not sure about that, clean his room as way of apology? 🙄

I think it's time his dad sat him down and told him it was time for him to have his own place now.

Inertia Tue 03-Jan-17 09:36:24

You are not going to be able to help him, he doesn't want your help and he has no respect for you, his father or your house rules. Frankly , I'm struggling to understand why you let a grown man who was openly verbally abusive to you back into your home.

6 months is far too long. A week is long enough to either do what he's been asked to do, or move back out.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 03-Jan-17 09:37:22

Does he work/go to college?

Can he go live with his beloved? (she obv doesn't mind the state of his room).

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:39:36

I know it's about time he grew up, how do you teach that stuff? Life is going to have some major shocks in store. Entire family was meant to be going away soon for dh birthday celebration, dh paying for everyone including gfs, flights hotel etc but I just don't want to spend a week with this particular ds, would it bu to not take him? Would that produce more division and resentment or would that be a good kick up the backside? I'm not sure what to do for the best

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 03-Jan-17 09:39:56

I'd give him a month to move out, tops.

And don't back down even if his behaviour improves exponentially in that time period.

If he's struggling to manage on his meagre earnings, you can send him food parcels if you're feeling generous.

PoisonousSmurf Tue 03-Jan-17 09:40:33

Kick him out. He's a grown adult, not a child. So what if he ends up on the streets. It will teach him an important life lesson.

Salmotrutta Tue 03-Jan-17 09:42:13

I think you and your DH should have a private chat about how you can help the DS move out. For example, checking out local rental properties if there are any, shared housing etc. Then agreeing on a time frame - 6 months is way too long to put up with this!

Does his GF work? Is she equally rude and horrible?

Could they pool resources and share a flat?

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:42:40

And yes he wants to live with dg but savings are limited, he spent the week away at her parents house

Scarydinosaurs Tue 03-Jan-17 09:45:46

Does he pay you rent? At 23 he is more than old enough to move out.

DailyFail1 Tue 03-Jan-17 09:45:55

If he's negatively impacting the other kids, kids who I presume are under 18, then he should be kicked out. At 23 he is old enough to take care of himself & it's not either of your job to baby him.

NancyJoan Tue 03-Jan-17 09:46:17

He needs to move out, a room in a shared house where he can live like a pig if it suits him. If he pays you board now, it won't be too much of a leap. Does his gf still live at home too?

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 03-Jan-17 09:47:14

No dg is lovely, very sweet and quite shy, but I haven't seen her in the flesh since xmas morning so no idea what she thinks of all this. Dss is enraged that he was thrown out on xmas morning ( I lost it after he stuck his hand in my face and told me to shut the fuck up) and told him to get out. We did ring him a couple of hours later to try and sort things out but he sulked for a whole week. He is now brandishing being thrown out ( I really just wanted him out of my face for a couple of hours) as some kind of proof that he is an abused child

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