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Christmas Card saga...

(71 Posts)
SparkyStar84 Tue 03-Jan-17 02:35:37

Well maybe not quite a saga, but hopefully you'll understand. It's my first post here too, just getting to grips with everything.


I was looking through all the cards we'd received, the cards from school for the children, those sent by relatives. I was shocked to find on one everyone's name but mine was included.

My DC has a friend, they're really close, play together, do extra curricular activities together, they're inseparable.

Arelative picks up DC from school and DS and his friend walk home from school, whilst the adults natter to and from school.

The friends Mother is also quite friendly with DH, they text each other a fair bit.

The card was signed by the whole family, pets, everyone bar the spiders hiding in their webs. But my name was excluded.

It's my relative who picks the DC up from school, so they're well aware who I am and that I exist.

AIBU unreasonable to be a bit peeved at being missed off the card, when it was signed from the 'whole' family, pets included.

DH said he might have missed my name off the card he sent, he couldn't remember whether he sent it to the whole family or just the Mother and child. They even swapped gifts.

I know DH isn't all that complimentary about me, as he never really has been. He always finds fault no matter what.

Is that an excuse to exclude me from the card.

I know it's trivial when world events are pretty horrid, but it left me a mix of being upset and annoyed. I thought it was rather rude. All my friends included DH on their cards, without question really.

So AIBU to think the woman was being rather rude? Considering my relative got a card and present, as did DH & DC. But it was like I don't exist which quite upset me.

Family politics and the nature of the relative, means that it's hit or miss if they have a good/bad word to say about you. I know DH will definitely have been negative about me. We are told not to judge a book by its cover, but it looks like this woman has and is judging me on the views of others.

I add again I know if's trivial, but it's left me feeling quite hurt. DH doesn't seem keen on me trying to strike up a friendship with her, but regardless, I can't see any valid reasons why my name was negated.

Happy New Year to you all, wishing you a marvellous 2017.

OopsDearyMe Tue 03-Jan-17 02:44:56

Hmmmm the thing I immediately found interesting is this woman and your DH text each other a lot. Is there anything in that ? Maybe this woman fancies him and that's why you' re missing.
I was going to say maybe she doesn't know your name , but normally you would add mum or something , I would be pissed off if I was missed out and deffo think something was up with it.
Sorry but your DH sounds horrid

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 03-Jan-17 02:54:35

Same as dearyme the texting struck me as odd, gifts to each other too. It doesn't sound great OP sorry. Also yes, your DH sounds really unpleasant.

Scrumptiousbears Tue 03-Jan-17 03:04:13

Why would DH talk badly about you and you think that's ok?

Insomnibrat Tue 03-Jan-17 03:07:15

I want to suggest that she simply couldn't remember your name, and intended to find out before adding it but forgot?

But I cant help having the gut feeling that something more sinister might be at play here. Your DH should be your biggest supporter, not detractor.

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 03-Jan-17 03:11:27

I know DH isn't all that complimentary about me, as he never really has been. He always finds fault no matter what.

This is what you're really posting about, and is at the heart of the issue, surely.

Why are you ok with this?

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Tue 03-Jan-17 03:11:45

your DH may have missed your name off card? Really how do you forget to add your wife.

Maybe he has failed to mention that he has a wife still living with him.

The next issue is that he puts you down? He sounds like a complete arse

SparkyStar84 Tue 03-Jan-17 03:12:43

It had crossed my mind, but when I asked about it, I got a stroppy, 'So I'm not allowed friends then?'

That situation has progressed to me being more or less told to stay at home rather than join in activities when this woman is there. Another thing that struck me was the assertion I'm unreasonable, for bringing it up.

He is rather chauvinistic, but is really good with the DC, so I let it fly over my head. One thing I resent is that the children think he's next to Godly because he takes them to & from school, doing the odd chore here & there. It's rubbing off on the eldest a bit which is irritating, we'll set up a family activity with DC & myself, the eldest will tell me what to do without even thinking twice.

On that note I keep telling DH, I really don't want any of them thinking it's ok to speak to anyone like that. I can't imagine the next generation of snowflakes would tolerate it.

But for his faults, I'm more interested if I was over reacting, or if it was rather rude.

We're a couple that don't live together well, but when I've been away on business he can't wait for me to get back. I now understand that U2 song grin

Thank you for your replies.

Henrysmycat Tue 03-Jan-17 04:46:22

When people excusing abuse in all forms with a "but he's good with the children" drive me bonkers. If he's treating his wife/partner like that he is NOT good with your children. What is he teaching them by this behaviour? Disrespect and gaslighting?
And I can see it's working when you dismiss an entire generation as snowflakes. I'm a mother of a DD, I sure as hell not raising her to put up with such vile behaviours by anyone like I don't. If it makes people snowflakes let it be. Being respected, loved and cared for (and reciprocating) is not special snowflake-dom. Don't take his side.
He's most likely, plays the single father to her to sleep with her if he's not already in a relationship. Whatever he says talk to her, you'd be surprised what you'd find.

blackpoolassy Tue 03-Jan-17 05:03:52

so I'm not allowed friends then reminds me of what ex-dp used to say to me....when he was shagging his friend

CountessWindyBottom Tue 03-Jan-17 05:08:18

This issue is so much deeper than the absence of your name on a card. Your partner sounds like a pig who is having an inappropriate relationship with this woman.

Do you believe that it's entirely innocent?

SparklyUnicornPoo Tue 03-Jan-17 05:27:13

I actually don't find the card that odd,a mutual friend I'd be upset about but if you aren't friends with this woman I don't see the issue.
I volunteer with a group DD is involved in, I got a lot of cards for me and DD without DH's name, similarly there's a lady that also volunteers who I've seen at least once a week for 5 years, I know her kids really well, we exchanged gifts. I couldn't tell you what her husband looks like or his name though, so I didn't send him a card, he didn't sign the one from her and their kids either, their pets did though because they know DD loves their pets.

What would worry me is the family politics and DH not wanting you to try to strike up a friendship.

LagunaBubbles Tue 03-Jan-17 05:51:32

He's not a good Dad if he's treating you - the Mother of his children - like this, sorry.

coconutpie Tue 03-Jan-17 05:57:04

Your husband sounds like a pig - why are you putting up with emotional abuse? He has nothing complimentary to say about you and you think this is ok?

I think the card is the least of your problems ... my first thought is that he is having an affair with this woman.


EZA15 Tue 03-Jan-17 06:32:14

Agree with pp in that the fact that he texts hers lots but is wary of you striking a friendship with her yourself is concerning. He might be a good father but surely he would be one if you weren't together as well? I think it may be time for you to save some money (if necessary) and look for somewhere new on your own

SloanyAnne Tue 03-Jan-17 06:39:37

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant person who is up to no good.
It can be a shock to start getting your head around the idea that you're being abused. Please don't dismiss it.

frumpet Tue 03-Jan-17 06:48:43

Initially I thought that it was simply a case of Christmas chaos and her forgetting your name , which I admit to being guilty of in the past .

Reading the rest of your post makes me wonder exactly what your DH has told this woman about you and your relationship , especially as you are forbidden from striking up a friendship or attending events where she might be there . If she got to meet you and realised that you were not the unreasonable harridan you have possibly been portrayed as , DH might lose his special friend and the sympathy for his situation . Although if she has been daft enough to believe everything he says without thinking there is always to sides to any story , possibly not hmm

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Tue 03-Jan-17 07:02:29

There's honestly so much wrong with this.

Your exclusion from her card...that it sounds as though your husband damn well knows he didn't put your name on his card. That they text lots, that you're excluded from their meet ups, that they exchanged gifts - bit weird for school gate friends, no?

Then he speaks to you and about you like shit. And now your children are doing the same.

This sounds quite intolerable.

DameDeDoubtance Tue 03-Jan-17 07:14:42

He is chauvinistic but he is good with the kids? Nope, that's not possible. Your sons will become chauvinists and your daughters will grow up thinking his attitude to women is acceptable. His attitude is damaging, why does he put you down? Why are you putting up with it?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 03-Jan-17 07:34:52

As others have said; it's not really about the card.

He's a nasty twat and your child is starting to act like him, you have to start dealing with this , they already think the sun shined out of his arse.

Sahhhhh Tue 03-Jan-17 07:47:59

When people excusing abuse in all forms with a "but he's good with the children" drive me bonkers. If he's treating his wife/partner like that he is NOT good with your children

Women always trot this out on MN, he can be the most hideous twat but it's ok he is great with the children hmm

DameDeDoubtance Tue 03-Jan-17 07:51:05

I think a bloke just needs to stand near his child once to be considered a good dad. It's pathetic really, the praise men will receive for doing a task that is just normal. But the tasks are normally women's work and look, look, the high lofty man is Doing It!!! Look how he has taken his own children to school, what a Good Man.

Nanny0gg Tue 03-Jan-17 07:57:15

When people excusing abuse in all forms with a "but he's good with the children" drive me bonkers. If he's treating his wife/partner like that he is NOT good with your children

Chocolatecake12 Tue 03-Jan-17 07:58:56

Can you take the children to school a couple of times a week? Even if it's just for a few weeks just to start talking to this women and see if you can tell if there's more to the friendship.
The card thing was odd.
Please don't let your dh continue to treat you in this way. It's not acceptable and needs to stop now.

Nanny0gg Tue 03-Jan-17 08:01:05

Sorry. Meant to say- that's exactly it.

And he's a poor excuse for a human,

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