Is dh being an arse or am I oversensitive?(10 Posts)
This is fairly petty but stems from a build up of frustration on my part that nobody listens to a word I say in our house.
Tonight dh went to pick up eldest DC from a friend's house. We know the parents very well. I dropped DC off this afternoon and stayed for a coffee. I left after 20 minutes as I was mindful that dh was at MIL with other 3 DC. DH leaves to go and collect this evening just as we are about to start bath and bedtime. He is aware of the fact that I want to spend some one on one with elder DC once little ones are in bed. DS is also back at school tomorrow and had some bits to finish off in prep. Dh stays at friends for an hour and a half chatting. I do bath and bedtime by myself for the other 3. I sent him a message after 45 mins telling him to get back although signal is poor there. When he gets back I am pretty pissed off as all my plans have gone out of the window. It is too late for DD to start the activity we were going to do. Rather than apologising or acknowledging that I might be a bit annoyed, dh overcompensates with 'helpfulness". When I mention that I am cross I get "it is how it is now so we just need to deal with it". I am not allowed to be annoyed in front of the children because it is "inappropriate". I am left a seething mass of anger and frustration.
We have had a row tonight. I react much more emotionally to most things than he does. However I am always made to feel like my reaction is wrong rather than the behaviour that premeditated my reaction is wrong.
So am I just totally over reacting or is my dh actually being an arse?
Isolated incident = overreaction. But you've said it isn't. So yes, he's being an arse.
You need to tell him straight away when something is wrong. I would have called my DP while he was at friends house and expressed annoyance. That way he's under no illusions about your behaviour.
"it is how it is now so we just need to deal with it"
Translates to "I'll do what suits me and you have to suck it up."
I think a bit of both , but you are probably tired and the world will look better tomorrow
He is being unreasonable telling you 'It's how it is now' and shutting you down, not taking any responsibility for his actions. It's not a third party over which neither of you has any control, HE caused the problem.
It's not inappropriate at all to tell him how annoyed you are that he ruined your plans, in front of the children.
Tell him to own his behaviour & to stop shutting you down to avoid doing so.
Like your dh I am very guilty of nipping out for 20 minutes and coming back an hour
And a half later
I can't help it. I'm terminally sociable and time just slips by
No. I'd tell him if you're upset it matters to you. It doesn't matter how minor it seems to him. As your husband he should support you and make you feel appreciated not make you feel like your feelings or opinions aren't important.
I had a similar issue with my DH not helping me enough with DS he thought I was overreacting. I just explained that I felt sad and under appreciated when he dismissed my feelings. It doesn't matter if it seems minor to him I'm upset and he should be supportive by changing his behaviour. He had to be fair. But it took a serious sit down conversation and I told him exactly what I needed more help with and why I'd been feeling upset.
"it is how it is now so we just need to deal with it" Translates to "I'll do what suits me and you have to suck it up."
Or could equally mean "arguing now isn't going to change it and will actually make the current situation worse which won't help anyone".....
Did the activity absolutely need to be done tonight? I think you're both being unreasonable, yes he should maybe not have stayed so long, but is it really worth the argument that he did? I think he has a point in the fact it's done now so move on. You are right that it's fairly petty, so To turn into a "seething mess of anger and frustration " is an over reaction, no doubt about it.
You should both make more of an effort. He needs to understand how you react if things don't happen exactly to your schedule and to your plans snd try to allow you more control and you need to understand you over react and try to be more flexible.
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