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Or is this bullying?

(41 Posts)
Januaryblues28 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:52:04

I have name changed for this.

I live in a shared house with two males and a female. The males were friends before we moved in. Female and I both strangers. I'm 28, they are all 24.

I moved in a month ago and in the past 2 weeks one of the males has started to behave horribly to me. It is mainly snide remarks and comments which are constantly chipping away at me; my personality, appearance and decisions.

- I'm currently starting an application to join the armed forces and take my trade into this. I've researched and am preparing but am constantly told I am too weak, pathetic and have no chance.
- I am running a marathon later this year but am repeatedly criticised for my diet and exercising regime (apparently it's not good enough)
- There are constant digs at my physical appearance; I'm ugly, look old, desperate etc
- I fitted a padlock to my door when I went away for work and was told that I must be a weirdo

I don't know what I have done to upset this guy as I have barely spoken 2 words to him - he doesn't say a lot other than the digs so I don't know what makes him think he knows me so well either.

I would usually consider myself an attractive, confident and successful woman. I'm not confrontational at all and usually very laid back and therefore haven't encountered this situation much in my adult life as I tend to get on with most people and am well liked. I'm not 'conventional' in some ways but as I've got older have embraced this and have good friends.

I am trying to keep myself to myself but as we share a small house they inevitably know some of my business e.g. What I'm eating. I was also becoming friendly with the other girl but actually I'm not sure what she is passing on to these guys when I talk to her.

It was advertised as a professional share yet I feel like I'm back at school. I was bullied when younger and I hate this feeling so much. It's taken me a lot of years to feel happy with myself and I can feel this confidence slipping away.

Aibu to think this is bullying and what can be done? My tenancy is 6 months long.

Footinmouthasusual Mon 02-Jan-17 21:54:12

Have you confronted him? He sounds a bastard.

Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Mon 02-Jan-17 21:56:05

Yes it's bullying and you need to stand in for yourself and call him on it. Next time he says anything nasty, either sit him down and thrash it out or just drop a 'What happened to you in your life to make you such a twat?' Or 'Seriously? That's it? You're losing your touch dude.....' And walk away.

cunningartificer Mon 02-Jan-17 21:58:29

It is bullying. Speak up and make it clear you find these comments offensive. Say to other sharers you find it offensive and do they find this acceptable? He needs to move, not you. Perhaps try to talk to other man about house rules of respect, agreed with other girl. It's not acceptable you feel like this in your own home. Stay strong flowers

Pettywoman Mon 02-Jan-17 21:59:44

Look for somewhere else to live. What arseholes! Good luck with your marathon and Forces application.

ManaFleet Mon 02-Jan-17 22:01:04

Yes, it's definitely bullying. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you flowers

FitnessFad Mon 02-Jan-17 22:04:23

I was bullied in a house share a few years ago by the live in landlord. Everything I did was wrong, and I began to dread going home.
The only solution to this is moving out - saying something (even though you would be in the right to) is just going to create more bad feeling, and it won't be a nice atmosphere.
Sorry you are going through this, i really feel for you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 02-Jan-17 22:07:48

Pair of bloody hard knocks them 2, ain't they. Ganging up on a women.
Would love to see how tough they'd be on their own against 2 big burly men.
You say you think yourself as attractive and confident. Please do not let these bullying idiots drag you down.
Best of luck in The Armed forces. You can do anything.

Tinabn Mon 02-Jan-17 22:09:04

Remember that he is not a friend or relative, he does not know you and his opinion is of no consequence to you, there are others who value you .. You have focus and ambition and only have to be there for another four months. Yes, he is a bully, but only you can let this be bullying, best response, 'Sorry, I think you have me confused with someone who gives a fuck' but in a look rather than verbally!

Januaryblues28 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:13:05

Thank you so much for all of your comments.

I also had a problem with the other guy when a few weeks ago he tried it on with me when no one else was home. I had to quite forcefully push him off me and he left marks on my neck where he tried to kiss me (I don't fancy him whatsoever) then let himself into my bedroom when drunk and tried to get in bed with me. He has since apologised and we are ok but I don't feel like I could confide in him re the bullying.

I can't really afford to move out so keeping myself away as much as possible is probably the best way forward.

Not quite sure how I've got into this situation!

dollydaydream114 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:18:36

I also had a problem with the other guy when a few weeks ago he tried it on with me when no one else was home. I had to quite forcefully push him off me and he left marks on my neck where he tried to kiss me (I don't fancy him whatsoever) then let himself into my bedroom when drunk and tried to get in bed with me. He has since apologised and we are ok but I don't feel like I could confide in him re the bullying.

Fucking hell, OP, this is a lot more worrying than the bullying.

I'm wondering if actually, the guy who tried it on with you has been telling some lies about you to the one who's making the unpleasant remarks. A friend of mine was in a similar situation to yours a few years ago - she shared with two men, one of them tried it on, she said no and he later told the other guy that she had 'led him on' and then laughed at him. The other guy believed her and they both sort of ganged up on her.

When you say you can't afford to move out, do you mean that you couldn't find another house share at this price, or is there an issue with deposits? Could you borrow the deposit for a new place somehow? Your current environment sounds really insecure and toxic.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 02-Jan-17 22:20:00

That needs reporting January. Thats assault.

helloheather Mon 02-Jan-17 22:29:23

House shares can be brutal, and at 24 people unfortunately do still act like school kids (I'm 27 and lived in house shares from 25 until recently.

I was living in a great house, but one girl moved out and was replaced by an absolute ass who I just got the feeling thought he was better than me, or I wasn't cool enough (I know that sounds so sad but he made me feel like that). My tenancy wasn't up for another few months but I had a word with the landlord, said if I found someone to replace me would he let me out early and thankfully he agreed. Was properly awkward explaining why I was moving without saying 'because you've made me feel like crap', but the time passed and I was so much happier in my next house.

If you're not able to leave yet then I think get yourself a few more hobbies so you have a reason to be out of the house more, and remember that if at 24yo this guy still needs to put others down to feel better about himself then he is the one with the long term problem, not you!!

Cherrysoup Mon 02-Jan-17 22:35:37

Have you spoken to this idiot? He sounds very immature. It would be interesting to stop after each comment and ask him what his problem is and why he feels he can share his deeply unimportant opinion with you.

foxyloxy78 Mon 02-Jan-17 23:37:04

Report the assault and move out. You can't stay there.

TitaniasCloset Mon 02-Jan-17 23:41:29

Who is the landlord? You need to report the bullying and the assault. Sounds awful. Could you not just find a different flat share? Or are you tied into this?

Januaryblues28 Tue 03-Jan-17 08:28:25

I'm not sure I can move out as I'm on a 6 month fixed term tenancy?

TitaniasCloset Wed 04-Jan-17 01:17:52

I don't know about the legal stuff sorry. But you do need to have a word with the landlord of you have one.

CaspoFungin Wed 04-Jan-17 02:09:53

I wonder if a friend of theirs wants to move in so they're trying to get you out? Somebody could take over your tenancy, probably have to pay an agency fee though.

Nataleejah Wed 04-Jan-17 06:46:52

Sounds like a cunt. Talk to your landlord. This sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable. I've lived in shared housing -- you don't need to interact with your housemates at all.

Graphista Wed 04-Jan-17 06:56:18

While I'm sorry this is happening and the incident where one guy 'tried it on' was actually assault. You are going to have to figure out how best to be a more assertive person because honestly? You'll get worse in basic training. Forces aren't exactly known for their sensitivity, it's a lot better than it was but it's still tough especially on women.

Do some reading and online research on being assertive and consider this practice for basic training. The forces are working on getting rid of bullying but from what I hear it's still a problem.

Nataleejah Wed 04-Jan-17 07:09:03

Maybe some self-defense techniques as well would be useful

Maverickismywingman Wed 04-Jan-17 07:37:02

I'd be wanting a lock on my door OP.

I think you need to call the verbally abusive one out on his behaviour and then just keep yourself to yourself

redexpat Wed 04-Jan-17 08:59:00

I didnt ask for your opinion.
My diet is none of your business.
My training is none of your business.

TitaniasCloset Wed 04-Jan-17 22:59:29

Huh? ^

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