Talk

Advanced search

to call and check on

(45 Posts)
LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:35:40

dp who I made leave last night? He has no food and is in sub zero temps as no heating. I'm not a bad person and it is dds father. He could go 2 mins round corner to his parents but he has avoided them for so long. basically it all kicks off when he did visit and his twat of a brother tries to start arguments. His brother is very violent. I understand why he avoids but he did say he was going to try visit more often. something we argued about adding to things last night.

Birdsgottafly Mon 02-Jan-17 21:39:04

Depends on why you made him leave and why he's got no heating etc.

If he says that he needs you to put him up, would you?

dollydaydream114 Mon 02-Jan-17 21:41:02

Depends why you 'made' him leave.

If you made him leave because he's been abusive or aggressive or violent to you, then no, don't call and check on him for any reason.

If you've simply split up because you can't get along with one another, then I don't see any harm in calling - not least because if he is your DD's father, you should know where he is in case you need to contact him about her.

What do you mean by 'he's in sub-zero temperatures as no heating'? Do you mean he's in a house that isn't heated? If you do mean that, then the temperature won't be anything like 'sub-zero' indoors, even in an unheated room. Or do you mean he is literally on the street?

Doesn't he have any money or a debit card with him? If he does, then he is perfectly capable of buying himself some food.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:46:06

there is a thread over on relationships. basically he is emotinally abusive to me and dd. it got to a head last night and I grabbed the phone and he got angry at me calling me names. He left in fear I had called police. seems that is the lowest you can do to him or his family. anyway he told dd it was her fault he was leaving.

he has never had heating. gas fire but I think its dodgy and no radiator heating. He wont ask me to put him up but has had health issues. Im jjust not happy to know the situation he is in and yet he would at least get a meal made at his parents. pretty sure he has no money as banks are closed and he doesnt have a bank card.

Sherborne Mon 02-Jan-17 21:48:54

No. I read your other thread. He has his parents around the corner. He's got other options that don't involve you going back on what you feel. Stand firm.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:50:12

I used to stay at his and it is freezing. older built hard to heat at best of times. upstairs the window frame is rotten and mildew on the walls. sad I refuse dd to stay overnight as he used to ask us to stay over a bit. He doesnt take care of it at all. Its more like a storage area in my opinion as a hoarders paradise. To him its an investment to pass to dd some day. I've begged him not to.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:52:21

sherborne I was going to call and urge him to go to his parents for a bit for his sake.

Chippednailvarnishing Mon 02-Jan-17 21:54:31

You sound like you are treating him like a child.
It's his choice to stay there.

Sherborne Mon 02-Jan-17 21:54:58

It's still a roof over his head, and I'm sure he'll find a jumper or a pub if he's that cold. I know you're worried about him, but he's a grown up. Maybe it'll make him think about his actions before going off on one in future.

Sherborne Mon 02-Jan-17 21:57:24

Sorry, cross-post. I'm sure he'll work out that he can go to his parents himself if he's that cold.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 21:57:36

He actually cant do much for himself. He had been in a 7yr relationship before me and I opened the door one day to his mum standing with his dinner. Hes been known to go a day or two without food instead of making his own dinner. The most he has ever done is a chilli but often its a can of beans eaten cold from the tin.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 22:00:44

to be honest its his stupidity and Im angry at his parents for their views they forced on him. Save every penny. So he lights candles and wears 3 layers of clothes and chooses to live in a house that is clearly falling apart. Its like scrooge. Funnily enough his fav film. you would think he would learn from it.

Chippednailvarnishing Mon 02-Jan-17 22:06:34

To be brutally honest he sounds like a total waste of space. He is responsible for his actions not his parents. Change the locks while you can and count your blessings.

Marmalade85 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:10:35

OP it's his choice to live that way. He won't starve or freeze to death otherwise he would have by now. Leave him to it.

dollydaydream114 Mon 02-Jan-17 22:11:48

there is a thread over on relationships. basically he is emotinally abusive to me and dd. it got to a head last night and I grabbed the phone and he got angry at me calling me names. He left in fear I had called police. seems that is the lowest you can do to him or his family. anyway he told dd it was her fault he was leaving.

he has never had heating. gas fire but I think its dodgy and no radiator heating. He wont ask me to put him up but has had health issues. Im jjust not happy to know the situation he is in and yet he would at least get a meal made at his parents. pretty sure he has no money as banks are closed and he doesnt have a bank card.

Oh, for fuck's sake - absolutely DO NOT call and check on him, then!

He's been a shit to you and to your daughter, and he has somewhere to go. If he lived there without heating before, he can live there again. He'll be fine. You are not responsible for him. You owe absolutely nothing to a man who has been abusive to you - and if he has been emotionally abusive to your daughter to, you really should be putting her first and getting this arsehole out of your life.

This problem is of his own making, not yours. I'd get the locks changed, frankly.

Heirhelp Mon 02-Jan-17 22:12:09

He is an adult. He has savings so he can pay for heating, he can sort out food, he can go to his parents but he can also choose not to. That is what being an adult is about.

Your daughter is a child and she can't choose to live in a safe environment. Only you can do this by keeping this man out of her life.

Ilovecaindingle Mon 02-Jan-17 22:12:35

He isn't your child. Leave him alone. .
He needs to take responsibility for his life at some point. Might as well start now!!

SavoyCabbage Mon 02-Jan-17 22:14:29

Let him crack on. With his candles and so on. Whether he gets a meal at his mothers or not is not your concern. You've bigger problems.

MunchMunch Mon 02-Jan-17 22:18:03

He's there (probably isn't though!) because he'll know how worried you'll be...he's emotionally abusive so he knows what he's doing to you.

Don't fall for it, he'll be fine honestly. Just worry about yourself and your dd

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 22:35:28

hes definitely at his. Theres no where else to go. He goes nowhere.

Heirhelp Mon 02-Jan-17 22:37:39

If he has savings then he can go some where. Stop thinking of reasons to let this absuive man back into your life.

LilQueenie Mon 02-Jan-17 22:52:35

Im not saying let him come back. besides he is still dds dad and I wont refuse contact though it will be supervised.

KnittedBlanketHoles Mon 02-Jan-17 22:57:14

He is his own responsibility. If he can cook a chili he is perfectly able to cater for himself if he is bothered.

Concentrate on yourself and your DD.

downwardfacingdog Mon 02-Jan-17 23:01:36

No don't check on him. Sounds like he needs to take responsibility for himself and you need to concentrate on your DD. Like a PP said, he's not going to freeze to death or starve - what are you worried about?

dollydaydream114 Mon 02-Jan-17 23:16:40

Im not saying let him come back. besides he is still dds dad and I wont refuse contact though it will be supervised.

If you aren't going to ask him to come back you've got no reason to check on him, have you? Even if he was cold and starving, you wouldn't be able to offer him a bed back at yours.

He has a place to live, whether it's cold or not. He is luckier than most people who split from their partners. Please, please, please stop being in thrall to this appalling man. You are basically looking for an excuse to justify contacting a man who has been abusive not just to you, but to your daughter. You honestly sound like you're almost addicted to him - everyone is telling you not to contact him and you just keep coming back with 'But...' every time and making excuses for his behaviour or blaming his family instead of him. Please wake up and see this man for what he is: he doesn't deserve your time, let alone your help. He's not helpless, he is lazy and manipulative. If he wants to eat cold beans, that's fine. Beans are pretty nutritious, actually. It won't do him any harm at all.

I have been in an abusive relationship myself, and I know that is very tough trying to end things fully. I left my ex once and made the mistake of thinking 'I'll just check if he's OK...' and of course, that was exactly what he wanted and it gave him the chance to spin me a self-pitying yarn ... and a couple of months later I was back where I started and the cycle of abuse started again. Don't make the mistake I did.

Contact with your daughter isn't relevant this evening. If he has supervised contact in future, that's fine, but it doesn't mean you have to phone him and check on his welfare - not tonight and not ever. He is his own person and you are yours. You need to stop seeing his welfare as your problem.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now