Ok...This is probably going to sound a bit silly and trivial and I had to gather up some courage posting this. I am on medication for OCD which I have suffered with since early childhood so tend to ruminate on certain issues which seem small to other people. Anyway. Basically, when I was a young teenager (14ish I think?) I was on a trip abroad and I was followed by a much older man who started touching me between my legs and trying to put his finegrs somewhere where he shouldn't. He didn't penetrate me as I was wearing trousers, but his fingers were moving like they were trying to get inside me. I know that probably sounds weird. It went on for ages- I was a shy kid and too embarassed to yell. I felt like I was frozen, like I couldn't move.
Well, some time much later I remember bringing it up in a conversation about rape/sexual assault. For some reason I just blurted out "I've been attacked." My parents were astonished. My father demanded that i explain myself. So i told them about what happened to me all that time ago. He then started telling me "Don't be so stupid! you only got your bottom pinched! like every girl does! It isn't abuse!" He said if i went to the police they would laugh and told me it was a normal part of life.
My relationship with my father wasn't great when I wa syoung. He was sometime sphysically and verbally abusive often using threats and shame to keep us under his control. I don't want to out myself but I was raised in a religion which is very traditional and women were expected to obey without question. At the time, being a sensitive and slightly narcissistic teenager (later diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable PD and OCD) I considered that my dad was being an abusive arsehole.
But I look back on this situation and am wondering whether he was right and i was just being a bratty self pitying teenager. What happened to me wa sunpleasant and awful but it cannot be compared to sexual assault. I feel a bit guilty because I had a problem self harming and with food when I was growing up- it started aged 7 or 8 and I didn't want to give those coping issues up so hid behind the abuse thing- making out to my counsellors and psychs that it must have been sexual assault that made me like I was. In reality i know it was nothing of the kind.
I feel guilt over this but I know I can't put it right or change the past. I just wish I could forget about it. I know this incident didn't afffect my life really- I have had it suggested to me that I may have Complex PTSD and I agree but that was to do with growing up in a family where my father used violence on us and I was bullied at primary school- silly things like name calling, exclusion, trying to pull my pants down etc. I don't know why I ruminate on this incident. I felt hurt by what my DF said and wonder if I should volunteer at Rape Crisis so I can learn to empathise with people who really have been sexually abused? Maybe it could be my way of putting it in perspective?
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AIBU?
DF says I am overreacting about something normal ....Am I BU? **Abuse trigger warning** [added by MNHQ]
47 replies
justwannaaskaquestion · 02/01/2017 19:23
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