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DF says I am overreacting about something normal ....Am I BU? **Abuse trigger warning** [added by MNHQ]

(48 Posts)
justwannaaskaquestion Mon 02-Jan-17 19:23:09

Ok...This is probably going to sound a bit silly and trivial and I had to gather up some courage posting this. I am on medication for OCD which I have suffered with since early childhood so tend to ruminate on certain issues which seem small to other people. Anyway. Basically, when I was a young teenager (14ish I think?) I was on a trip abroad and I was followed by a much older man who started touching me between my legs and trying to put his finegrs somewhere where he shouldn't. He didn't penetrate me as I was wearing trousers, but his fingers were moving like they were trying to get inside me. I know that probably sounds weird. It went on for ages- I was a shy kid and too embarassed to yell. I felt like I was frozen, like I couldn't move.
Well, some time much later I remember bringing it up in a conversation about rape/sexual assault. For some reason I just blurted out "I've been attacked." My parents were astonished. My father demanded that i explain myself. So i told them about what happened to me all that time ago. He then started telling me "Don't be so stupid! you only got your bottom pinched! like every girl does! It isn't abuse!" He said if i went to the police they would laugh and told me it was a normal part of life.
My relationship with my father wasn't great when I wa syoung. He was sometime sphysically and verbally abusive often using threats and shame to keep us under his control. I don't want to out myself but I was raised in a religion which is very traditional and women were expected to obey without question. At the time, being a sensitive and slightly narcissistic teenager (later diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable PD and OCD) I considered that my dad was being an abusive arsehole.
But I look back on this situation and am wondering whether he was right and i was just being a bratty self pitying teenager. What happened to me wa sunpleasant and awful but it cannot be compared to sexual assault. I feel a bit guilty because I had a problem self harming and with food when I was growing up- it started aged 7 or 8 and I didn't want to give those coping issues up so hid behind the abuse thing- making out to my counsellors and psychs that it must have been sexual assault that made me like I was. In reality i know it was nothing of the kind.
I feel guilt over this but I know I can't put it right or change the past. I just wish I could forget about it. I know this incident didn't afffect my life really- I have had it suggested to me that I may have Complex PTSD and I agree but that was to do with growing up in a family where my father used violence on us and I was bullied at primary school- silly things like name calling, exclusion, trying to pull my pants down etc. I don't know why I ruminate on this incident. I felt hurt by what my DF said and wonder if I should volunteer at Rape Crisis so I can learn to empathise with people who really have been sexually abused? Maybe it could be my way of putting it in perspective?

AnyFucker Mon 02-Jan-17 19:26:23

I think you need to speak to a Rape Crisis counsellor yourself

What you experienced was absolutely sexual assault. I am sorry.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 02-Jan-17 19:28:32

Yes it can be compared to sexual assault, because it WAS sexual assault. You were frozen with the shock of it.

Your father is a complete arse (and I'd wonder if he yells it isn't abuse because he'd be just fine about doing that to a young girl hmm) and the less time you can spend in his company the better.

QueenofLouisiana Mon 02-Jan-17 19:28:40

You were touched intimately when you did not give permission for that to happen. That would be an assault in my opinion. The lack of penetration is not the point, it was still unwanted and deeply unpleasant. I was touched in a very similar way, repeatedly, at 16/17. I wish I had spoken up about it's I would now like that (again, older) man to be held to account. flowers

NotYoda Mon 02-Jan-17 19:28:57

Your father is utterly wrong. It was a sexual assault.

It seems to me that you have lived your life labelling yourself as having various irrational emotional disorders - all of which are completely explicable in the circumstances of someone who was threatened, not listened to, and not supported as a child.

I really hope you are getting effective psychological treatment. You deserve that.

AcidBird Mon 02-Jan-17 19:29:20

I agree with AF.
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry your dad was such a dick about it.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Mon 02-Jan-17 19:29:33

You're father sounds like an ignorant twat, I'm sorry.
It was certainly sexual assault.

SheNumpty Mon 02-Jan-17 19:29:47

What a strange reaction from your father. It was absolutely sexual assault and as per PP you should seek some support for it.

So sorry this happened to you. flowers

MsJudgemental Mon 02-Jan-17 19:30:46

Sexual assault.

NotYoda Mon 02-Jan-17 19:32:45

I don't think it's a strange reaction at all. For him.It seems really consistent with the way he treated you as a child. As if your feelings, your physical body was not to be respected.

NotYoda Mon 02-Jan-17 19:33:40


Sorry that sounded snippy. It was a strange reaction... for a kind father

SilentlyScreamingAgain Mon 02-Jan-17 19:34:10

You were sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so sorry that man is your father. I hope you get the help you need to get over these awful things that have happened to you.

kissmethere Mon 02-Jan-17 19:34:49

You need a warning in your thread title I think.
No you're not over reacting.

228agreenend Mon 02-Jan-17 19:35:53

It is not silly or trivial amd you were sexually abused. Unwanted touching by anyone is wrong. It doesn't matter that you were were wearing trousers, the man was being inappropriate.

Please get counselling for this.

TheSparrowhawk Mon 02-Jan-17 19:37:09

That most definitely was sexual assault. Your father sounds like a hideous knobhead.

justwannaaskaquestion Mon 02-Jan-17 19:37:59

Thanks for the kind replies- I am glad people on here didn't tell me I was being stupid. NotYoda, actually these diagnoses were given to me and I have had intensive hospital treatment after several breakdowns, but I do agree with you the must have come from somewhere.

annandale Mon 02-Jan-17 19:45:44

Metropolitan police definition of sexual assault -
A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.

You were sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry.

I'm not a therapist or any kind of expert and I don't know you. But I wonder if this episode stands as a kind of confirmation of other things that happened to you. You experienced your father and your community ignoring your well-being and regarding you primarily as a function of your sex, because they regard all women as certain functions available for purchase or for dedication to defined others, rather than as people. Then this complete stranger, who wasn't your father or a member of your community, did exactly the same thing and treated you as if you were not a person but just a functioning sexual organ. With the added threat that he was a stranger attacking you. I would find it hard to forget that kind of attack - I once did have my bottom pinched on the street, as a woman of 40, and I have never been able to forget it even though it was much less horrible than what happened to you.

Dobinette Mon 02-Jan-17 19:48:13

I am so sorry this happened. Please do not feel guilty. It was NOT your fault.

bumblebee50 Mon 02-Jan-17 19:52:23

Think of it this way, if you had a daughter that age and this happened to her, what would you do? You would be straight down the Police station.

0SometimesIWonder Mon 02-Jan-17 19:58:28

And I consider "getting your bottom pinched" to be assault too.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Mon 02-Jan-17 20:00:58

A good therapist can help you decide how best to move forward

ConvincingLiar Mon 02-Jan-17 20:03:24

It would be a sexual assault under the law as it is now. Just because it could have been worse, does not diminish the impact it's had on you. Counselling for this sounds a good idea. There may be a specialist service locally to you. There's one in my area but it does have a waiting list. You've been trying to deal with this for a long time though, so maybe you can manage to wait.

ChocoChou Mon 02-Jan-17 20:10:16

I was touched like that by an older boy at school when I was 9/10 years old... i often think about it and it really turns my stomach. Reading the replies to you has made me realise it was assault, even though at such a young age I couldn't understand it fully.

To echo what others have said I think you should speak to someone about it and please don't feel guilt or unreasonable for feeling bad about what happened to you.

lionheart Mon 02-Jan-17 20:20:44

Sorry this happened to you and that your experience was not acknowledged by those who should have been there to stand up for you and give their support.

It was sexual assault.

Lambzig Mon 02-Jan-17 20:21:16

I work with rape crisis for what that's worth and feel it was most certainly sexual assault and that given your age (14), definitions for child sexual abuse apply. NSPCC definition includes "sexual touching of any part of the body whether the child is wearing clothes or not".

I also wanted to say that there really isn't a scale of ok sexual assault to bad sexual assault, what you describe is horrible. I am sorry this happened to you.

If you think it might help, please do give rape crisisba call.

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