To worry I'm not pushy enough

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I had very pushy parents and I always vowed I wouldn't be the same, but I'm worried I might be setting my DC up to underachieve or fail.

I don't insist on homework being done, and I don't really ask/fuss about levels or anything like that. I guess that's okay for primary but should I try to get more involved as secondary looms closer?

[GetAHaircutCarl]

There's no right answer here OP ( though many parents are adamant that anyone not doing exactly as they do are wrong).

Only you know yourself and your own children.

Personally, I am pushy. But we're a very ambitious and robust lot here in Casa GetAHairCut. Delicate flowers we ain't .

If it's felt it wasn't right or if I felt unhappy myself then I'd behave accordingly.

[dollydaydream114]

Insisting on homework being done sounds fine. If your child's teachers tell you at parents' evening that they are doing OK, then all's well.

Take an interest in what your kids are doing at school, know what their favourite and least favourite subjects are, praise them when they do well, encourage their interests etc and just keep an eye on how they're doing, but I don't think there's any need to be 'pushy' about it. If you go to parents' evening and they say 'Well, they could do far better but they're really lazy' then yes, get more involved, but assuming the teachers think they're putting the effort in, then all's well.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Don't you ever worry you might kind of push them the other way Haircut? I mean that very genuinely by the way!

dolly I don't insist homework is done I mean

[Crowdblundering]

Very unpushy here - one kid works in a bar, failed most GCSEs, one studying A levels with sights set on Uni, one highly academic and gets good grades without trying - I very much believe it's up to the kid as long as you are there for them and encouraging them and enable to do the things they want.

[oldestmumaintheworld]

I think there is a difference between being pushy ie wanting your children to achieve whatever their abilities and going out of your way to try to make that happen, and believing in assertive discipline. I guess I try to fall into the second camp and not into the first. So, yes, I did insist on homework being done before dinner and I checked that it was. I did insist on my children trying every opportunity that came their way, but if they tried something and didn't like it after a term then fine, stop. Did I fuss about levels - you bet I did. But I wasn't interested in what level they got for achievement, rather the level they got for effort. You don't have to be bright to do well in life, but you do need to try hard and make an effort. So was I pushy, I hope not, but did I make it clear that not making an effort was not on, you bet I did.

[dollydaydream114]

Personally, I am pushy. But we're a very ambitious and robust lot here in Casa GetAHairCut. Delicate flowers we ain't

I agree that it depends totally on the child, and some children will respond better to pushing than others.

However, just bear in mind that plenty of people are capable of being ambitious/robust without being pushy. Just because not every family is pushy and competitive, it doesn't mean they are 'delicate flowers'.

Sometimes the most robust kids are the ones that don't actually want/need to be pushed, and will do their absolute best without that kind of input.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

cherry they're in their final year of school now so I guess that ship has sailed .

But no, my Tiger Mother tendencies didn't put them off or put them under pressure.

If they had, then I would have reacted to it. I'm not one for blindly continuing anything really.

I kept hearing voices of doom both in RL and here on MN. But it never came to pass.

[popperdoodles]

My eldest is preparing for a levels, Ds2 is secondary and ds3 is late primary. I think showing an active interest is important. I offer advice on when they should study and how much but it has to come from them. They have to want to succeed, you can't force them.
So it depends on how you define pushy.

[DailyFail1]

I personally am pushy but I kind of have to be as dsd only gets great grades with a lot of effort and she's naturally a bit lazy. My sis doesn't need to push my neice at all as she loves homework and will do it unprompted as soon as she gets in from school. So really depends on your child.

[lljkk]

I'm a lot more laid back.
We pushed about getting homework done in primary but not after they started secondary.
I just don't have the energy to be a tiger mum. If my mum had been like that I would have been extremely miserable and felt permanently inferior & insecure.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

My parents - more mother really - used homework to bully me with so I just say it doesn't matter if it's done or not. At the moment he does it but he's still in that 'wanting to please the teacher' thing (9 years old.) I was wondering if that might change when he's older. But then if he gets in trouble it's his lookout? I don't know?

[dollydaydream114]

I don't insist homework is done I mean

Sorry OP, misread your sentence the first time around!

I think making sure they do their homework isn't pushiness, it's just basic discipline. If they don't do their homework when they get to secondary school, it will cause them problems.

Personally, I think it's really crap that primary school kids actually get given homework at all - but as they do, they should be expected to complete it. I'm not saying they should have to slave over it, but just set aside half an hour to get it done.

[Katy07]

I think making sure they do their homework isn't pushiness, it's just basic discipline. If they don't do their homework when they get to secondary school, it will cause them problems.
This, totally.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Well, OK so am I lacking just basic discipline then?

[dollydaydream114]

My parents - more mother really - used homework to bully me with so I just say it doesn't matter if it's done or not. At the moment he does it but he's still in that 'wanting to please the teacher' thing (9 years old.)

If you don't want to force him to do it, then at least encourage him and praise him for doing it. There's nothing 'pushy' or 'bullying' about saying 'DS, I'm so proud of you for doing all your homework and for getting on well at school - well done.'

I'm not into pushiness at all but it sounds like you might be projecting a little bit because of your own childhood. You are not your mother! There's a huge gulf between bullying/pushing/Tiger Mothering and just being encouraging/interested.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Oh yeah I do that. But if he said he didn't want to do it I wouldn't make him. I don't ask him if he's got any and tell him he's got to do his homework before such a time.

[DramaAlpaca]

My parents were pushy, and I always felt under pressure.

As a result of that I have never been pushy with my children. I did always make sure homework was done, and I brought them up to be well behaved and polite, but I've always believed in encouragement rather than pushiness.

To me it's far more important that my children are happy than that they are successful.

They've turned out fine.

[dollydaydream114]

Well, OK so am I lacking just basic discipline then?

I've no idea what your parenting style is in general, clearly. But with regards to this one thing, I would say that expecting your child to carry out the tasks set for him by his teacher is basic discipline. I'm sure others would disagree with me, though.

Your family, your rules - but you did ask for opinions and advice, so please don't be offended when they're given or take things too personally. Absolutely no offence is meant.

[WondefulLife]

I think if you are telling him 'it doesn't matter if it is done', that is wrong - because parents, we lead by example, and that sentence says it is OK if you are lazy

Yes I would get a bit more pushy just a BIT

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I'm not offended? :)

[GetAHaircutCarl]

It's perfectly possible to be successful and happy.

I've done it all my life. My DC too ( though they still only 17 of course).

[Astro55]

That's really not going to work in a job is it?
If they've been set homework then yes it needs to be completed - it could be part of an assessment or help with writing for the next lesson -

What would happen if the teacher decided she couldn't be bothered to plan and organize lessons?

High school is different and they need to focus to be in higher sets otherwise they just end up repeating work already covered in junior school - and left to flounder

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I don't think homework has anything to do with a job, though. It's hard getting the balance between ordering them around and helping.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

TBH I've never had to order mine around or argue over effort levels.

It's sort of a given.

We towels left on floors however ...

[Wonderflonium]

I think there's a difference between pushiness and backing the school. If you tell your kids that it doesn't matter if homework is done even though that's the expectation of the school your children attend, you're setting yourself up for issues down the line.

That said, you don't have to stand over them while they do it. It's more a case of "well, yes, you have a detention now because you didn't do your maths last night... and what have you learned from this experience? What choices will you make in future?"

I think you can train your children to take responsibility for their learning without bullying them or being overly pushy. You just have to get them to see the link between non-completion and consequences.

I think having an evening routine of "what homework did you get? when's the deadline? when do you plan on doing it?" conversations should be enough support at secondary school.

(full disclosure: I hate homework, I think it's a total waste of time. All it shows me as a teacher is whose parents are doing it for them. I wish parents would just get their child to read over old notes/make mind maps if they want to be involved in their education, rather than insisting on weekly homework being a school policy)