Can you help me rationalise this; WWYD? I need to deal with this behaviour now, whilst its 'fresh'.
Core friendship group is 4 couples, larger group is 7 couples. It's unusual in that the men are the base, they all went to primary school, secondary, played football together all through their 30's. We are now in our early-mid 50's.
One of the (larger group) women has an issue with me. It didn't used to be like this, we were very good friends, look after each others children, days out, the occasional liquid lunch, not each others confidantes, but close enough.
Over the years she's had a dreadful falling out with one sister (not actually her fault) and the other sister and mother isolated her. She's had a lot of therapy/councilling and has absolutely zero self-worth/confidence. I have supported her in all this silly business with her sister (they still aren't talking); I've encouraged her to look and apply for other jobs, I've offered to help her with her CV, when she was in hospital over Christmas three years ago, it was me (out of our friendship group) that bothered to visit her, see if any shopping needed doing and offered to have her DH & 2xDC for Christmas lunch. I have never had the same emotional support back though. I don't think I'm a nasty person or a bad friend. I don't tell people what to do, I listen, nod and offer advice.
She also has a massive drink problem. I like a drink but I don't drink to a stupor. We all know she has a problem, it is the elephant in the room. At any event she is either crying, snarling or throwing up. The excuse for any of this behaviour is the issues with her sister. But it's been going on these past 20 years not just the past five years.
With me so far? That's the basic background. New Years Eve was another shocker. At times she makes me the scapegoat for all her problems. Apparently, I think she's thick and stupid, she tells people this. The basis for this is a conversation, some years ago, about nothing at all and I apparently made a throwaway remark "dont be daft!" I don't remember saying it, when she gets tanked up she hangs around my neck with the old 'I love you, I really do' ad infinitum until I get disentangle myself then it's like watching the exorcist as her head spins and her eyes narrow, and she starts again with 'I know you think I'm thick'. It gets to the point I sit in a corner and stare at the floor all night (this NYE I really wasn't feeling too bright so I wasn't drinking)
I need to confront this now. I've ducked the issue. We have a large friendship group; everyone else notices, everyone else knows it's nothing I'm doing. No one will confront her about her behaviour because of the tears and waterworks (three hours solid on NYE, whilst shooting me the evil eye). Her DH won't talk to her because they don't communicate. She's a deeply unhappy and troubled lady.
I'm tempted to go round now, whilst she's sober and have it out with her - but she will deny anything is wrong and brush it under the carpet. (But I would want a witness, lest she told people I was aggressive). I could text, but the written word is often misconstrued. I could write her a letter and tell her how she makes me feel, but that might get passed round. I could just wait until she's tanked up next time, then tell her a few home truths - but she will turn the waterworks on and play the victim card, I'll be seen as the bad guy because I am probably more verbally cutting than she is. If I did go that route, there would be no going back.
Some of you will say to remove myself from the situation BUT this is our friendship group and social life. These are my DHs closest and oldest friends.
I actually feel 'bullied'.
WWYD?
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AIBU?
AIBU, WWYD, shes driving me bonkers
43 replies
DrivingMeBonkers · 02/01/2017 08:29
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