To want dss to be quiet now

[OutToGetYou]

At nearly 1.30am?

Background is that he is 15 and 'd'p and I have pretty much split up now, just waiting for Xmas to be out of the way so we can deal with everything.

Dp not been speaking to me for weeks and I have moved into the spare room. I went away for Xmas, got back yesterday evening, dp not here but no idea where he was. Dss not here either.

Today dss appears about 4pm. Dp I think came in about 11am but took some stuff from the fridge and left again. Dp got back about 7pm, but didn't know dss was here and went to his bedroom never to be seen since.
Dss was in his room all evening (so neither of them ate anything) coming down once to ask if dp was back but not going to see him when I said he was.
Dss in his room playing online computer games, noisily, and I want to go to sleep. His room is above mine.

Main reason for split is dp lack of parenting of dss (we're not married, just use 'dss' for ease, he's obvs not my actual step son) and me not wanting to live in what has effectively become a house share with a teenager as dp often away for work and just leaves dss with me (without my agreement) yet not allowing me any say in how he behaves.

Lord knows how I'm going to cope for the next few weeks.

[QueenMortificado]

Definitely think it's appropriate to ask a 15 year old to stop playing computer games at 1.30am

Sorry about your split, sounds like you're being very strong and sensible about it

[Ohdearducks]

Well you owe him nothing now (exDP) so go up and tell DSS to keep the noise down, just ignore any protests from his dad, he's ignoring you so should expect the same in return.

[MissVictoria]

It's unfair he's keeping you awake, but you don't have any say in what he does or doesn't do now you're effectively no longer in a parenting role.
Even if ex and his son are the ones who will move out (assuming one of you is staying in the current house/flat and not both moving elsewhere) at this time it's still their home and they can do as they like in it. If son has his fathers permission to be awake playing computer games at this hour that's his choice as the parent.

[Ohdearducks]

There's no reason why you can't ask him to be quieter whatever the circumstances and it sounds like OP never has had a say in a parental capacity as exDP wouldn't let her so nothing has changed in that department.

[OutToGetYou]

I never did have a "parenting role", and no, it will be me moving out once dp has arranged finances to buy my share.

How does he have his permission? His father doesn't even know he is here as far as I can tell, their paths never crossed today, I was the only one who saw both of them. Dp probably went to sleep hours ago and a nuclear bomb wouldn't wake him up.

I think everyone in a house should behave reasonably to each other, personally. And I don't think yelling into a computer in the early hours of the morning is reasonable behaviour.

But you're right, I should go and wake dp up and tell him to tell him to shut up. It's not my place.

And by those standards I can start playing loud music at 5am, which is when I have to get up for work..... I might do that actually.

[SparkleShinyGlitter]

It's your home you own a share in the fucking place you might not be the kids parent but I think in your home at 1:49 am you are within your rights to politely say x would you mind keeping the gaming noise down

[OutToGetYou]

Keeping it down means stopping, he objects to that. The noise is not the game as he has headphones, but he plays online and shouts into the mic at the people he is playing "with", so what I get is his constant commentary and instructions to the other player. He can't do that more quietly so it has to go off.

When I once texted him late at night to ask him to stop I got a barrage of abuse back.

[SparkleShinyGlitter]

Go and wake your ex and say that he needs to tell his child to have some respect and turn the game off or stop shouting.
If your ex objects I'd gentely remind him I own the house as well and I expect a bit of decency from people in my own home

It's nearly 2am ffs

[LockedOutOfMN]

Ask him to stop. If he doesn't, wake your ex and ask him to ask his son to stop. Or trip the switch.

[OutToGetYou]

Actually, he has just stopped.

I have tripped the switch in the past, when he was blaring music out at 10pm which could be heard down the street. And I have also turned the router off in the past, but he just plugs it back in again (with the old one I used to take it and lock it in the car, but this new one is fixed to the wall so I can't move it anywhere).

[OutToGetYou]

He understands the fuse box well enough, ours trips itself now and then so he's had to put it on plus he does engineering at school.

I'm going to have to make some joint rules for this period before I can move out. Dp not great with financial stuff so not sure how long it will all take.

[ChristmasTreats]

Can't you change the password on the router?

[OutToGetYou]

I could not, sure how to do it but could work it out. But I'd need to give it to him at some point (and dp) and it would all start again.

Dp is yelling at dss now, trying to get him out of bed, funnily enough dss doesn't seem to want to get up.

[WanderLustingLane]

Op i do feel for you what a horrible situation.
Does your DSS know about the split?
Just be prepared that he might behave Ven worse before you finally leave, as in he's had you are 'going soon anyway'

I have two close friends who divorced two years ago, literally the only reason was lack of parenting to her child and her not letting DP discipline or say a anything and her kids hD no respect to him whatsoever, so he divorced her.

If you told your DP you are leaving him over the DSS issues and he didn't care or do anything about it then you are well rid!

[rjay123]

Who is your broadband provider?

You can switch off the internet through the routers control panel - it's not hard to do. Happy to help with some instructions if you'd like.

Or to infuriate DSS more - can just stop access to the Xbox or PlayStation.

[rollonthesummer]

Have you got to live like this until the house is sold?? Is it on the market?

[OutToGetYou]

He doesn't want to sell, he wants to buy me out, which will be fine though I expect he'll drag it out and we'll argue about the amount.

Re the router, it's really complex because it's a random provider as we live rurally. The router interface is rubbish and I have tried to limit the PC to 10.30pm but somehow he gets round it. He has "un-named" his PC and there are so many devices on there I don't know which it is. We have Gigaclear.

Yep, re dss and dp being told about the issues. Dss doesn't technically live with us, he lives with his mother who lives two miles away. Dp pays maintenance. But dss is here 7 nights a week as the mother has decided he can't stay with her now for some reason. He's lived like this for two years. (she has moved during that time and changed bf) I have no say because he apparently doesn't live here and also because I am not his step mother (this is, what his mother tells him), dp just doesn't care, anything for a quiet life, like yesterday they didn't even see each other, it's always like that. Whenever I have tried to reinforce simple rules like a sensible bedtime, mouse stopping at a reasonable time, no good I'm bedrooms etc, dp undermines be as soon as I'm not there, so dss knows he can ignore me. Dp then goes off on work trips, doesn't tell me the dates/times he is returning, and leaves dss here because "he's old enough and doesn't need looking after" (even after I have said I am not OK with this 'arrangement'). I commute to London for work so I leave at 6.15am and get home about 8pm, wanting a bowl of soup, to watch some TV and go to bed. But instead I end up in screaming matches with a teenager who is not my child over what time he goes to bed and stops making a noise. Last time it happened I had assumed he would stay with his mother for the week as I had said I didn't want to be in this position again, but dp still carried on without even telling me what was happening. I had already got three evening things arranged so wasn't going to be in til really late those nights (two work things and one hsircut). Dss had mates round, got drunk on absinthe from the cabinet and some wkd his mum brought round for him, trashed the bathroom, broke a Christmas present and was invariably rude to me, as well as a couple of vile texts telling me I was forcing him out of his home (by asking him to go to bed).

Dp says things like "well, he's fine when I'm here" - yes, because you're here. I was at work. Dp works from home when he's not away on trips, so is probably home 75% of the time, so when dss gets in from school he is here. When he's away dss is on his own all evening and he knows this so he has mates round. Why dp can't see this I have no idea.

But, there are numerous other issues with dp - one of which is that when I get upset or cross about dss behaviour (or anything) he decides to stop speaking to me, which is why we are where we are now. He's not been speaking to me for about four weeks. To be fair, I can't be arsed to speak to him either.

[OutToGetYou]

*noise stopping, and food in bedrooms! (the latter because dss leaves half eaten food all over the floor and walks it into the carpet, his room stinks)

[BoboBunnyH0p]

OP sounds like an awful situation. I would get the house valued ASAP and speak with a solicitor, I would push for him to buy you out give him a deadline with the threat that failure by this date means the house goes on the market.
Since ex dp isn't there and DSS should be living with his mum could you not report to police/ss when you know he is home alone.

[RedHelenB]

I would move out now!

[SaucyJack]

Where is his mother?

This is a borderline SS issue, surely?

They all sound horrible.

[OutToGetYou]

I could report to social services I suppose - but he is 15/nearly 16, I expect they'd say it's OK for him to be left alone (ss have been involved in the past, when dss reported his 'then' stepdad for confiscating his iphone, ss spoke to dp who said everything was fine).

I've had an online valuation done, I don't need a solicitor until I buy. We have a cohabitation agreement that guides this, so he has to follow that anyway, it says one will buy the other out and if not, sell. He'll need to get a valuation to make me an offer.

I will give him a timeframe. Of course, all this has had to be on hold over Christmas. My slight problem is that I have no particular link to any geographical area so have no idea where to go but need to be commutable to London, and I would not be able to get a mortgage as I am in a fixed term role and have been self-employed and in short term roles for 7 years now - I prefer them, but it does make finances a bit more tricky. I have savings though so just need to find a place I can buy outright.

I can't move out now, I have nowhere to go. I'm not going to rent a place and waste money I will later need for a house - unless he pays (in which case, he could move out!). And I don't want to be moving all my stuff twice, it's going to be enough hassle as it is splitting everything up.