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Apparently I'm not married if I don't take his name...

(180 Posts)
Lumberries Sun 01-Jan-17 22:35:29

Says my future MIL.


I'm not sure where to go, I love my name!

I'm the breadwinner, always will be. I'm fine with that. I think the tradition of taking the male name is ridiculous and outdated. I'm not sure I want to take his name because I'm not sure I like the connotation of ownership etc and actually, I don't feel I 'belong' to anyone, so why should I change my name??

Apparently, I'm not married if I don't take his name and equally, if I'm a Ms and not a Mrs it means I'm planning to divorce... angry

I'm at a family gathering for DP and we're getting married next year. The talk all day has been about the wedding but when they mentioned that I would be Mrs X I said actually I was considering staying as mrs MyName. All hell broke lose and apparently AIBU. Am I? Is keepsing my own name a sign that I'm not actually willing to be married? Does it show I don't want to commit to him?

For context, I love DP to bits, no issues at all with our relationship at all.


Pheebs770 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:37:34


Whatsername17 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:37:47

I guess I'm not married either then. Not sure why I wore a big white dress or what the last 7 years have been about.... confused

DontTouchTheMoustache Sun 01-Jan-17 22:37:51

It's outdated and sexist. It's essentially saying a woman should automatically give up her identity once she marries. Tell him to take your name so you both have the same one if it's an issue.

Shireslass Sun 01-Jan-17 22:38:37

I have done the exact same thing.
I also kept Miss as I didn't want to change any part of my name. I understand why people do, but I didn't want to and my husband is fine with that. I have had my name for over 30 years, would feel strange changing it.

sooperdooper Sun 01-Jan-17 22:39:02

What a load of bollocks, hope you told them so! What did your DP say?

EastMidsMummy Sun 01-Jan-17 22:39:32

Same argument we had with some folk nearly 25 years ago. Twattish argument then, twattish argument now.

Ohdearducks Sun 01-Jan-17 22:39:45

Ffs it's bollocks, laugh at their twatty behaviour and then ignore it.
Do what you want it's your marriage and your life.

Gallavich Sun 01-Jan-17 22:40:18

Why do you even entertain this nonsense? Don't allow these conversations to happen. Laugh it off incredulously and change the subject. It's none of your MIL's business.

conkerpods Sun 01-Jan-17 22:40:18

Totally fine either way. In my line of work most people don't change their name.

DodoRevival Sun 01-Jan-17 22:40:35

Before everyone tells you he's a nob, is this his point of view or his family's?

Disastronaut Sun 01-Jan-17 22:40:35

No way. Don't you dare back down to those sexist asshats!

LRDtheFeministDragon Sun 01-Jan-17 22:40:45

Oh, please, please, tell her with a straight face that your DP agrees with her completely ... and is therefore changing his name.

Or better, get him to tell her.

Record it and put the results on youtube.

(And yes, she's an idiot.)

KC225 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:06

You're not marrying her.

I have been married 11 years and never changed my name.

Lumberries Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:08

YES. Thank you! I do not need or want to change who I am and although I adore DP, I don't think my marriage means less by not taking his name!!

ThePinkOcelot Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:28

I don't think a woman gives up her identity at all, if she takes her husband's name. Personally, I don't see why you wouldn't and seems a bit like burn your bra to me. But each to their own!

mineallmine Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:29

Whoops, so does this mean I haven't actually been married for the last 20 years???

Whatsername17 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:32

I actually tend to double barrelled now we have a dd and another on the way. I didn't realise when dd was born that her tags would be made out as 'dd myname' instead of 'dd hisname' which is her actual name. I prefer to double barrel but use my own name for work.

AnUtterIdiot Sun 01-Jan-17 22:41:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buckingfrolicks Sun 01-Jan-17 22:42:04

Tell her that you appreciate she has her own views but you don't share them.

If she says it again, say you don't agree, and you don't want to discuss it

If she says it again, eyeball her and say 'not for discussion, ever.

ConvincingLiar Sun 01-Jan-17 22:42:09

It's a sign you're about to marry into a family of arseholes. Don't engage with this shit. Don't seek to justify yourself. Don't get defensive about it. Your name is your business and nobody else's.

Pilgit Sun 01-Jan-17 22:42:57

I had similar. 12 years later I still do. No one else has ever given me a good reason. Just that it's tradition. We say bollocks to tradition in all sorts of.places because it's outdated. This is just another example.

Lumberries Sun 01-Jan-17 22:43:31

DP wants me be happy so is fine with whatever I decide to do but insists it's my name so my decision, he does want support mil's views at all but it's ALL dp's family that agree!

Janey50 Sun 01-Jan-17 22:44:24

There is no law stating that a woman must take her husband's surname when she marries,your MIL is talking utter bollocks! It is purely TRADITIONAL for a woman to take her husband's name,but it has been going on for so long that many people get confused and think it is the law. What about actresses,doctors,surgeons etc who marry and keep their maiden names? Does it mean that none of them are actually married?!

SundaeLieIn Sun 01-Jan-17 22:47:21

I see no reason at all to change your name. That said, I did but mostly because I wanted a more unusual surname then one of the more 'popular' ones I was born with!

Most of my friends have kept their own name when married which is great. The thing that has surprised me is that every single one (no exceptions) has given their children the husbands surname. No double-barrelling at all. What's that all about?

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