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About My Mother and Boxing Day

(19 Posts)
zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 16:12:10

Some if you might be aware of the backstory about my toxic mother, to put it in a nutshell she has been emotionally abusive for my entire life, to the point that I have zero self esteem or confidence and a long history of severe depression and anxiety

I've had treatment for these issues and while they will never be fully resolved I can deal with them better these days

Not quite NC but very low contact with her now. DD2 went over on Boxing Day, I didn't for all the reasons stated above. DD2 also has very little contact but as I was working on the morning of Boxing Day and DD1 has moved out now to live with her DP

My mother gave DD2 a bag of stuff home, and in this bag were three jelly babies, two marshmallows a slice of Xmas Cake and two mince pies

My mother phoned me yesterday furious that as yet I had not phoned her to say thank you for these things, but DD2 did thank her at the time. My mother says I'm selfish, I care only for myself and I was so ungrateful for "everything she has ever done for me"

All she has ever done is bully and belittle me, destroy what little confidence I ever had, and leave me with a legacy of mental health problems

Am I the selfish bitch she said I was?

Aroseforemily Sun 01-Jan-17 16:14:37

You know the answer to this.
Go NC.

honeysucklejasmine Sun 01-Jan-17 16:15:05

I think NC would be a better choice. Is there honestly something positive in your relationship which makes LC worthwhile? It doesn't sound like it. 😞

incywincybitofa Sun 01-Jan-17 16:18:11

You know you aren't but what you really need to do is be in chat about this, not open it up to AIBU which can go off in any direction.

If I am honest what was unreasonable maybe- was sending your DD2 there unaccompanied when you know how damaging your mum can be,

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 01-Jan-17 16:26:31

Ah zukie, she knows where your buttons are (she made most of them) and she's more than happy to push them.

You have always come across to me as singularly unselfish - probably because you were trained by her to be so. How else could you be made to put her whims before your needs? And that conditioning is very hard to overcome. Indeed, I could wish you to be a little more selfish, as I feel that would offer you some protection from this harpy of a mother sad.

Everything she say to you is a LIE.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 01-Jan-17 16:31:20

Of course you're not selfish , she created a situation where she felt justified about having a go at you.

Consider not having absolutely anything to do with her from now on, I remember your posts but don't recall dd's age.

zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 16:36:10


I didn't send DD2, she's 23 and makes her own decisions! I would never have sent a child there!

I think you're all right and NC is the best way forward, she has never brought anything to my life except trouble and heartache

Lordamighty Sun 01-Jan-17 16:36:46

My DM is also a massive emotional drain. I have had 2 nights away for New Year, phoned her today to wish her happy New Year & she has been ill apparently & has no money left, even though she was fine a few days ago & had £140 in her purse & hasn't been anywhere. New Year, same old crap.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sun 01-Jan-17 16:40:19

I remember your story zukie and NO you are not selfish. Toxic parents do this by a way of controlling their children and purposefully making them feel bad when there's nothing to feel bad for. They are also deluded when they believe they've done lots for a child.

As a fellow child of a toxic parent I can highly recommend this book

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sun 01-Jan-17 16:48:38

Lord I can relate, if I don't check up on her every other day when I do speak to her my mum has had the worst time ever and it's usually because of me.

I spoke to her yesterday on FaceTime (first time since Xmas, I'm LC with a view to going NC when I have the strength) and she was in the most tremendous mood as it's been a week since I last contacted her.

I shit you not this is what she was in a mood for - I'm currently 9 months pregnant, ready to have baby any day now - she had a dream I had the baby 4 days ago and never told her, and she is mad at me in real life. I showed her my belly and said "pretty sure baby is sill in there" and she said in a snidey tone "well really Cherry it wouldn't surprise me I know what you're like you barely tell me anything so why should this be any different" hmmangry

OP as little as a year ago this comment would have left me guilt ridden but with a lot of self-help, support from my amazing DH (and MN!) and strength from my DD, I am fully aware how unreasonable and ridiculous she is, not me. Which tothe everyday layperson with a normal parent may seem weird as of course this is a daft thing to say. But as the victim in the situation I know that feeling of being blind to common sense. I hope you can get to a place where these silly accusations she makes can be brushed off your shoulder flowers

zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 16:54:42


That sounds very like my mother too, she was always ill and if you didn't bend over backwards to "help" then you were the horrible uncaring one,

I was diagnosed with Pernicious Anaemia last year and was very ill in hospital, my mother found out, came to visit and immediately said it was all my own fault and it wasn't that bad, the sides of my bed were up to stop me falling out as I had no strength whatsoever, and the minute she came into the room started moaning and said that was a nonsense and I wasn't as ill as all that!

That's just a tiny example of what she's like

Iwannabelikecommonpeople Sun 01-Jan-17 16:54:52

I also assumed dd2 was a child..esp when they were given the goody bag. Have you explained exactly how you feel to your mum ? If she really gives no thought for you at all I don't see the point in maintaining the relationship. How does she behave with your daughters?

zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 16:58:35

.Cherry angryshock

That's awful! What a total cow,

Congratulations on your pregnancy though and I hope you find the strength to go NC, as will I

You and your new baby deserve so much better

Empress13 Sun 01-Jan-17 17:01:04

Flamin hell I'd NC for the goodie bag alone! Cheapskate!

zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 17:03:49

With the help of CBT, my DDs and a couple of very good friends I have tried telling my mum exactly how she makes me feel, but of course she doesn't want to know, and she's always been the most caring wonderful mother anyone could ever have had

She makes out like I'm just difficult and making things up to upset her because I'm a troublemaker hmm

Iwannabelikecommonpeople Sun 01-Jan-17 17:57:52

Does she appear all sweetness and light to everyone else around her? My mum can be like this..although we do get on, she loves my kids but can get very sulky if she's not the centre of attention.

zukiecat Sun 01-Jan-17 19:54:43

She can be Iwanna

The family know she has a "sharp tongue" but they aren't aware of the full extent of how nasty she really is

To total strangers, yes she is all sweetness and light, although one lady I got friendly when I moved into this area after my divorce met her once and later said "Your mum does put you down a lot doesn't she"

ForalltheSaints Sun 01-Jan-17 20:44:50

I agree with the others who say NC. Your DDs can still visit and make their own choice.

I suggest you could even make it more difficult for her to contact you by changing your phone number.

ConfessorKahlan Sun 01-Jan-17 20:50:38

Why should you thank her for giving anything to your daughter? At 23 years old she is more than capable of thanking her grandmother herself, as she did. It is ridiculous. Your mother was clearly on the look out for a reason to belittle you and make you feel bad.

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