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To think my friends may be toxic?

(101 Posts)
SidAndNancy Sun 01-Jan-17 15:35:10

Sorry I have name changed.

We are a group of 7 friends (from school). I've always felt like the one that didn't matter. Hard to explain really

One had a baby shower and I wasn't invited. One had a NYE party yesterday and again I wasn't invited. One is having a wedding and I'm yet to receive an invitation (everyone else has)

If I had done any of this and excluded one of them it would be made out to be a massive thing. But when I'm the one being left out .., it's fine.

I do get invited to some things though but at this point I rarely ever go because I often leave feeling shit.

I woke up to a group text saying we all need to meet up more etc and I just feel like ... why?! hmm I'm clearly not an equal to them.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 01-Jan-17 15:43:22

I would cut them off, they are trying to tell you something by excluding you.

welcometowonderland Sun 01-Jan-17 15:44:23

Lousy behaviour. I would be beyond hurt if I were you. These people are meant to be your friends.

Time to make some new friends?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 01-Jan-17 15:47:16

Their actions are making you unhappy and you're not going to the events you are invited to because they have made you feel unwanted.

Chuck them, life's too short to be treated like this.

Afternoondelights Sun 01-Jan-17 15:48:41

These people are not your friends, time for some new ones. Make this your new year resolution!

SeaWitchly Sun 01-Jan-17 15:59:06

I agree it's time for a new group of true friends.

I think some groups 'need' this sort of dynamic tbh, where one person is the underdog or excluded. Makes the others feel more tightly connected and secure when they have someone else in the group who is 'less than' and can be treated with airy disregard.

It can be tricky to break away though as once they start to sense you are disconnecting yourself they try and reel you in again... hence the 'we should get together more often' texts and comments.

I have been in this sort of group dynamic before whereby my main friend in the group would be nice as pie when it was just the two of us but otherwise excluded me in subtle and not so subtle ways once we became a group of three with another woman. It was very hurtful and strange, the straw that broke this camel's back was her telling me that only family were invited to her wedding and later I found out that she had indeed invited friends [and the other friend in our group of three had helped organise it]. So I distanced myself and lo and behold she acted like the wounded party, wanting to know why I was ignoring her. We are okay now but this is because I have relegated her from 'friend' to 'social acquaintance' and therefore I can deal with her absolutely fine if we have to socialise via an invitation from mutual friends/acquaintances.

Life is too short to spend with people who make you feel worried, anxious or insecure. You deserve much much better and to spend your energy on those who are radiators [of joy, affection and fun] rather than drains.

Happy New Year OP and here's to meeting some lovely new people who enhance your life in 2017!

SidAndNancy Sun 01-Jan-17 16:00:44

They also had a Christmas meal which I was invited to confused

I just don't get why I'm invited to some things and not all group gatherings.

I do have some very lovely friends outside of these.

Milklollies Sun 01-Jan-17 16:04:27

Just distance yourself from them. Don't bother reading their messages on watsapp and do you own thing. Live for yourself, not for the entertainment of others.

PovertyJetset Sun 01-Jan-17 16:05:07

Stop being so invested in what they are doing.

I have A couple of big groups of Mates and sometimes we do things en masses and sometimes we splinter off and do smaller things.

Don't take it personally and if you are, then it's time to take a break and do some other stuff that makes you happy.

bumsexatthebingo Sun 01-Jan-17 16:05:53

Do they think you will struggle for childcare overnight or on nye maybe? Even so it would be nice to have the invitation to refuse! If you think they are purposefully excluding you then slowly ditch them. And get revenge by letting them see how happy you are with your other friends.

LaContessaDiPlump Sun 01-Jan-17 16:07:19

They sound insensitive and mean. Focus on your other friends who actually merit the term 'friend' flowers

DrWhooves Sun 01-Jan-17 16:09:30

I've been there. Last straw was that they all met up at an event half an hour from my house that they knew I would have enjoyed and said nothing until I saw the pictures on facebook. I quietly unfriended them without contacting them and moved on. Only one seems to have noticed/cared and asked to add me back on, for some reason I accepted but nothing has changed, I won't be chasing after her anymore. I've got other good friends who seem to enjoy doing stuff with me so stuff the first group.

winkywinkola Sun 01-Jan-17 16:10:45

Bin them.

Politely decline all future invitations. Focus on people who make you feel valued.

Stop wondering and feeling hurt and move on by taking decisive action.

And if one of them contacts you to enquire why, don't explain. Just be polite, friendly and say you've been busy. Then don't bother again.

Nothing will change here. Only you can make the change.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Sun 01-Jan-17 16:13:57

Were you definitely the only one out of the seven of you that was not invited to these things?

SidAndNancy Sun 01-Jan-17 16:15:45

I have A couple of big groups of Mates and sometimes we do things en masses and sometimes we splinter off and do smaller things.

Don't take it personally and if you are, then it's time to take a break and do some other stuff that makes you happy.

But it's not that at all. I don't care if some of them go out for coffee etc and not everyone is invited because that's just normal ... but when everyone but me is invited then it's completely different.

MudCity Sun 01-Jan-17 16:16:45

Focus on your lovely friends....they deserve your energy and effort, not the former school friends.

TheLambShankRedemption Sun 01-Jan-17 16:23:20

So you're not really a group of seven friends, there's a group of 6 friends who occasionally ask you too?

Even with large groups of friends the splintering shouldn't result in the same 6 and the same uninvited one regularly.

Maybe the wedding one and the nye one feel you've said no too many times to be part of the seven, and they're backing off? Trying to see another point of view too.

The only way to find out would be to raise it in the group if you feel there's nothing to lose now anyway.

Olympiathequeen Sun 01-Jan-17 16:25:48

Very toxic. Just block them on Facebook and block their numbers. Mentally tell them to fuck off. You deserve better.

wizzywig Sun 01-Jan-17 16:31:31

having this same situation but with family. they arent your friends. they need someone like you to boost their ego and numbers when they are one short. its shit, i know it is. honestly, its better to have no friends than these friends. be happy as you are.

MrsMcMoo Sun 01-Jan-17 16:33:09

Start organising lots of great fun things with other people, have fun and move on.

everymummy Sun 01-Jan-17 16:34:06

I think you have to accept that you are on the fringe of the group rather than in its centre. There are more ties between them than you have with them. Whether you get invited or not may depend on who is there when the plan is conceived - there may be one particular person who always says, hey let's invite Sid!

Do you make plans and suggest things to do?

I had a friend whom I valued enormously, but unfortunately I had to realise that to her I was very much in the second-tier of her friendships. It was a bit demoralising, but I distanced myself from her and focused my (limited, these days) friend-making energies elsewhere.

It's upsetting, though, particularly as it's not cut and dried and you are left dangling.

LockedOutOfMN Sun 01-Jan-17 16:36:01

Agree with the other posters who've encouraged the OP to make some new friends.

Go places you like, do things you enjoy, and you will soon meet like-minded people who you can share those interests with. Good luck! Wishing you a happy 2017 free from this immature clique.

Bluntness100 Sun 01-Jan-17 16:39:51

Ah, honey, time to move on, when everyone is invited bar you, I suspect you already know why. Time to move on.

mummymummums Sun 01-Jan-17 16:42:15

We're in a similar situation. When friendships make you anxious, hurt, left out, or as if you make most the effort, it's time to walk away.
We've discovered that we figure very low down the priorities for what we thought were v good friends. The thoughts and rejection have been very much in my mind the whole of Christmas, even though we made sure to fill out days other ways. But I'm done with them and leaving the group on our terms. Not kidding myself we'll be missed though!

SidAndNancy Sun 01-Jan-17 16:42:20

I definitely have some amazing friends in my life, I wasn't sat on my own last night.

I guess it feels different because of the history we all have. I'll never have new childhood/school friends.

I will start ignoring any future invites because they aren't worth my energy. Thank you.

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