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AIBU?

Ex wife issues - I am struggling

21 replies

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 10:52

Hi all, bit of a long back story but I am struggling with DH ex wife long history of issues she's on the narcissist spectrum IMO.

Been to court this year for child access etc. They have two DC together 13 & 9. Some DH and his ex spilt various times during their marriage and the last time she thought they would get back together but obv didn't. He and I then got together. I was never the OW.

Fast forward 4 and a half years we have married. Relations are strained beaten them She will put anything in the way of contact I.e new hobbies for the children etc during time they are scheduled to be with their Dad and lowest of the low made accusations about my DD physically abusing / beating DSD which were completely unfounded etc but ex wife just cannot help herself. She continues to make everything drawn out and complicated and is has had an effect on us all. I was particularly stressed during the summer and for the first time ever experienced anxiety. It freaks me out just not knowing what BS she will throw at any of us at anytime either via very inflammatory solicitors / email or text.

The children are happy when with us but always very cautious about enjoying themselves because they feel bad to their mum. She says things like "it's just not the same without you here when you're at daddy's" etc so the poor little things are just all over the place.
This Christmas period she has completely overlooked the contact order and DH has agreed with the alternative she has suggested just because he didn't want any issues and just wants to spend time with his DC. She has blocked contact for no reason at various times when she hasn't got something she's asked for.

So this Christmas holiday ex wife has taken it upon herself to drop by at our house. Unannounced etc to check the children are ok, to bring something DSD forgot and to check DSD didn't want to go home yesterday when they are not due to go home until tomorrow. AIBU to react adversely to this?? I feel like home is the only "safe" place we have and she can't even stay away from here?? DSS (13) has a phone, she knows the land line number so has alternative contact methods and we never block these.

Sorry for the long rambly post but I am just at the end of my tether. WWYD?? TIA xx

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FrostyWind · 01/01/2017 10:59

Your DH needs to make it clear to her that her intrusion was unwelcome and it mustn't happen again.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/01/2017 11:02

Your DH shouldn't have allowed the contact order to be overlooked. It's not something that can be negotiated. He will see his children at the agreed times. It sounds like he hasn't established any boundaries and she is being allowed to call the shots. It will only get worse until he sorts it out.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 11:05

Don't get me wrong he would do when he says no to her etc she uses the victim card - he's aggressive etc. He's considering taking her to back to court for breaking the order but is mindful of the impact it has on me because she will probably just make more stuff up. And say DSC don't want to come for contact at all.

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kittybiscuits · 01/01/2017 11:06

The court order is what should happen. It's not the basis for negotiation. Your OH is in a very strong position. It's hard to understand why he is not insisting that the order is followed to the letter.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 11:09

He's scared he won't see the children. He had a couple of months when he didn't see them/speak to them.
Order was followed in that they will have spent 7 nights here from Boxing Day but order would have meant them being here from 20th for 7 nights so was trying to do best for the children..

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pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 11:12

DSD still believes and wanted to wake up at "home" with his ex... No doubt her head would have been filled with rubbish but he's trying to please them I guess.

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kittybiscuits · 01/01/2017 11:16

Their Mum could lose main residence of the children if she does not honour the order. His fears are not based in fact. It's great that your OH is thinking about what's best for the children but the fact that there IS an order means it's beyond negotiation. He needs to stick to the order himself and deal with it through the proper channels if the ex doesn't.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 11:20

Thanks for your replies so far! It's so stressful and she makes me feel like I'm losing the plot!

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Ilovecaindingle · 01/01/2017 11:25

Go back to court. She will be told not to make plans for hobbies in your time. . If he doesn't fight to keep to the order it was pointless going to court in the first place.

kittybiscuits · 01/01/2017 11:25

This shouldn't be stressful. The point of an order is to take away all negotiation and address the needs of the children. I think your OH is responsible for the stress to a large degree because he holds the cards and for some reason he won't follow the order, and the reasons you are giving are not realistic. I'm not suggesting you are being dishonest or anything like that. He is in a strong position but his own actions are jeopardising this.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/01/2017 11:27

The order must be followed. There is no reason to change it. I would be telling OH that next time his ex tries to change plans he simply says no.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 11:32

I think because when he has been firm in the past she just says the kids don't want to come. End. And then they don't.
Thanks for the advise and views - we will be going back to court. Her solicitors are horrendous and throw such made up dirt it's pretty horrific. I just worry for the children.
She has a new bf and has told DH he is a better father etc etc. It's just awful.
Thanks for the words of wisdom.xx

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ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/01/2017 11:38

If she is stopping the kids from coming full stop then he definitely needs to go back to court. otherwise your DH will end up like my friend. No contact order at all, ex calling all the shots, only gets to see the kids when his ex wants a babysitter. It's very sad and not a situation you want to be in.

SlatternIsTrying · 01/01/2017 12:27

I utterly sympathise, but please stop blaming the solicitors. A solicitor can only act on the basis of what they are told by their client.

A small point in the middle of a bad situation but I feel the need to defend the profession.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 12:53

Sorry to make generalisations. DH solicitor is very good but advised us to complain to the SRA because she breached the code of conduct etc

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pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 12:58

His ex wife's solicitor breaching that is...

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/01/2017 13:47

I am not an expert but you might want to look into parental alienation if she is saying your DH is a worse father than her new bf or trying to persuade the DC the don't want to be there and creating a conflict between hobbies and contact etc.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/01/2017 13:50

www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html

Some of these sound similar to your situation

Bluebell878275 · 01/01/2017 13:59

In cases like this when the RP is particularly difficult you have got to be very rigid with the agreements in place. In an ideal world it would be great if both parents could talk and compromise but when you are dealing with someone like this all they do is take take take. Their view is that time spent with you and their father is unimportant, therefore their decisions/actions will be based on that view.

I'm familiar with how you are feeling..similar situation. Totally understand your DH not wanting to rock the boat but he has to stay firm on the agreements. My DH's ex will try and alter things, for example, she'll decide she's collecting my DSD from an event that's on our time because she wants to see her. My DH will literally repeat every time this sort of thing happens "I will be collecting DSD as per usual at this time". He is accused of being a bully blah blah.. but it's only because of how she has behaved in the past and how she would continue to behave if we hadn't gone down the solicitor route that he has to be so rigid.

Don't alter the agreements. Be firm and eventually hopefully she'll realise she won't get anywhere. There will always be fallout when this sort of personality is involved but the stress will lessen as the years pass (trust me, I had my first ever anxiety attack since having her in my life!).

Definitely go back to the courts..you both have to show a united front. Remember you are fighting for the children to have a normal family life with their father, step mum and step sister..this isn't about trying to put her down as a mother.

pleasepassthevino · 01/01/2017 19:17

Thanks Bluebell I can't believe the anxiety it brings and like you I have never had anything like that until she has been in my life. Very wise words tho so thank you x

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Rainbunny · 01/01/2017 23:33

I know nothing about family law but are there no possible repercussions for making baseless abuse allegations against the other parent? It seems such an egregious thing to do and would surely reflect poorly on the fitness of the parent making such accusations? I understand it's important not to open up parents making genuine accusations to retribution but if the claims are clearly false and baseless it doesn't seem acceptable that they can do so without any repercussions.

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