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To not allow dd to take a gap year?

(91 Posts)
indiraisindiaisindira Sat 31-Dec-16 18:36:47

She wants to retry getting into Oxbridge.
She has a conditional from a top 5 uni.
Fees are going up after this year from £4.5k to £9.25k (welsh govt).

The only reason to let her is that the conditional she fancies at the moment is 4 years instead of 3, so she wouldnt be any older moving on from university.

AIBU?

Famalam13 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:38:44

Don't worry about the fees. It's not like other debt. Is she over 18? In which case surely you can't stop her...

Blankiefan Sat 31-Dec-16 18:40:02

What would she do on a gap year? Something useful? Something to help her grow? Something good for her cv? How would it be funded - can it be afforded?

I wanted to take a gap year but DParents insisted I'd need something worthwhile arranged and that I wasn't just to doss around. Obviously at 18, that's horribly unfair but at 40 looking back, is very sensible.

wictional Sat 31-Dec-16 18:40:22

It's her life. plus she might earn money to help with those fees

crazywriter Sat 31-Dec-16 18:40:46

Student loans won't affect her credit rating so it's not the best reason to stop her.

This is a big decision for her. YABU to stop her especially just on the grounds of the fees. But what is she planning to do with the gap year to help improve her chances of getting into Oxbridge?

Blankiefan Sat 31-Dec-16 18:41:04

And yes, if she's 18, she can do what she likes but I think there's nothing wrong with a few conditions of your financial support in the next few years.

AuditAngel Sat 31-Dec-16 18:42:25

I think it depends on how she plans on supporting herself, both during the gap year and through uni. Bank of mum and dad, you get a say.

KimSpears Sat 31-Dec-16 18:43:00

Lots of big firms do great gap year schemes. Have a google. You get paid a great wage and I know some give travel bursaries too e.g. Deloitte, Rothschild etc. etc.

Marynary Sat 31-Dec-16 18:43:31

I think it should be her choice, not yours. Whilst you can try to convince her to go now rather than next year as she will be the one paying the fees (via loans) so it shouldn't really be a question of "letting her". I would refuse to pay for a gap year, though. If she wants one she should fund it

DailyFail1 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:44:06

If she got into a suitably good uni, she could transfer into Oxbridge in year 2?

NerrSnerr Sat 31-Dec-16 18:46:05

You can't 'not let' her as she will be an adult. You can tell her that she has to move out or that you won't financially support her through university though. My mum tried to tell me which universities I could and couldn't go to, I just did as I pleased and worked like a bastard to support myself so she had no control over me.

Armadillostoes Sat 31-Dec-16 18:46:58

YABVU-she will live with the consequences of this decision for longer and more profoundly than your will. Whether you offer financial help to your daughter is up to you, but please don't try to use it as a way to control and infantilise an adult. That is horrible behaviour will not end well for anyone. Don't make your support contingent on her letting you dictate her life choices.

BlueFolly Sat 31-Dec-16 18:47:15

It's up to her, not you. It's a decision that will affect and shape the rest of her life, and a difference in approx 15k in fees isn't enough to justify basing the decision on.

Grilledaubergines Sat 31-Dec-16 18:48:53

Don't deter her. Once she starts working full time and in her chosen career, the opportunity to opt out for a year is unlikely to surface.

If I could have my time again, I would change many things and fucking off for a year to do something brilliant would be high up.

5moreminutes Sat 31-Dec-16 18:50:19

If she's got anything about her at 18 you "not letting her" will be the spur to make her utterly determined.

Do you mean you will threaten to cut her off financially if she doesn't do as you wish? Are you intending to pay her fees up front for some reason such as having actually set aside £18k in a savings account? Or will she be paying her own fees back after graduation like everyone else?

Coughingchildren5 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:53:30

I am guessing that by "not let" you mean not pay?
Of course you can limit your financial input. Just as she has the right to make these kinds of choices about her life, she has the responsibility to fund them. She is an able bodied adult now.

indiraisindiaisindira Sat 31-Dec-16 18:56:46

Thanks for the replies. Maybe I am being the ogre she's trying to make out!
She's paying for fees after uni like everyone else.

She'd work part of the year as she can get a job in retail. She wants to travel a bit she said.

She'd obviously expect to live at home.

I'm just worried that she'll get rejected again and would've wasted a year. Or won't get the offers she currently has.

Anotherbrokenheart Sat 31-Dec-16 18:58:48

I think a year working can be a good thing. Makes you want to study harder and just that little more grown up ready to face the challenge.

Oh and with some savings too!

toffee1000 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:58:54

DailyFail1 It's highly unlikely that you can transfer to Oxbridge for year 2. They have v strict entry guidelines for year 1 anyway- they don't enter into Clearing for example. Plus it would be a major shock to the system- going from a couple of essays a term to potentially two a week. Not to mention that they don't offer as many courses as other unis, like combined honours (although Oxford does offer a few) or may offer a similar course but not exactly the same thing.
Sorry for thread derailing. But yes OP, it is ultimately her decision. Especially if she wants to go to Oxbridge, they will want to see evidence that she has done something useful with her gap year e.g. teaching/working rather than just trekking through Southeast Asia with no real aim.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered Sat 31-Dec-16 19:01:22

Is there something that stopped her getting in this year (i.e. poor predicted grades, poor GCSE grades)? If not then tell her not to waste her time, it's really unlikely that she'll get in if she waits a year, and that'll be a year wasted.

NerrSnerr Sat 31-Dec-16 19:02:41

It's not really wasting a year is it? She's young and is likely to be working until she's in her 70s in this climate so one year in her late teens is unlikely to make a huge difference. Everyone is in such a huge hurry to grow up.

backwardpossom Sat 31-Dec-16 19:02:51

If she accepts an offer, could she not defer it for a year? YABU. My gap year got me a payrise once I started work - I argued that it had given me experience and my employers agreed...

Stopyourhavering Sat 31-Dec-16 19:04:54

Is her conditional 4 yr degree at a Scottish uni by any chance.....my dd went to Dundee and she still only paid for 3 yrs anyway as she's a Welsh student

5moreminutes Sat 31-Dec-16 19:05:28

No need to pay for the gap year - in the good old days when all this was fields and you could actually buy one half penny sweet because there were half pennies ... the few people I knew who took gap years absolutely self financed. Standard form was to work and save for 6 months then backpack on a shoe string, or do a working holiday visa mixing work and travel or aupairing, or do a volunteer TOEFL role where travel and board were paid (though I think those are like hen's teeth now that gap years are so popular).

No reason a gap year can't be a gap from education but in full time work - in which case it can be brilliant for CV and she could actually save up if you let her live at home for free / cheaply. Unpaid but career building internships or UK volunteer roles are another potentially very sensible idea.

Graduated straight from school then uni without much to set them apart and make them interesting are 2 a penny, even from good unis.

DailyFail1 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:09:21

Toffee- depends on which of the other top 5 unis the dd got into & her course. Kids of My friends have transferred into year 2 to Oxbridge from LSE, Durham, Kings etc.

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