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Turning down New Year's Day dinner

(10 Posts)
FixItUpChappie Sat 31-Dec-16 18:19:41

We've been feeling very stretched, very tired, really in need of unscheduled time with the kids (3yrs, 6yrs) to connect. Kids have been grumpy, overdrawn - sick up the get up at 630am and go, go, go 5 days a week, soccer/shopping/birthday parties/commitments on Saturdays etc. We decided to take extra time off at Christmas and did share this when asked but were clear the purpose of the time is to have no plans and why. Specifically, that is what we want - do the Christmas bits with my family, DHs family, friends, then hide for a week and a half (not to sit around necessarily but do what we want and when, if nothing, than nothing!).

So my mum called to ask summon us to New Years day dinner at her house (they are not close by, nor are they capable of having a succinct dinner). We explained we had already turned down DHs family for same offer and why. She threw a big huff on the phone which has pretty much assured I won't change my mind. This is the second big huff of similar nature in 2 months and the first we did what she wanted. I don't want this to become a strategy she employs.

In October it was thanksgiving. Our sons birthday is on thanksgiving and we tend to be more focused on his party then we are thanksgiving. It's a 3 day weekend - one day party, one day family dinner, one day we defend as our own. We offered to move sons party this year so it wouldn't impact dinner plans but that didn't suit my mum. So it was party, rare dinner at SILs and we offered to have thanksgiving with my mum following weekend though that was very busy for us. Anyway, saw her all day at sons party, plans for next weekend were vague so we thought maybe she wasn't bothered and we certainly weren't. Didn't hear from her all week. Called on the Friday to check if we were doing something still - huge huff. Advised its our responsibility to ensure they (she and her DH) are included and that I was thoughtless etc. Queue crying. I told her if this was so important she should have called and organized something and that she is being unfair - we see them a lot and include them all the time.

Anyway we had them over and produced a big thanksgiving dinner to placate.

To not drip feed, my mum frustrates me with her constant whining about how busy she is (one massage appointment a week = busy with appointments) she has been retired 20 years and is independently wealthy. Woman is out of touch. I invite them over once a week for dinner on a weeknight, if we go to a museum, the zoo, to something fun we more often then not ask if they'd like to come along. In fact to compromise we invited them on an outing yesterday but they didn't want to come. What she wants is plans at her house on her terms and I am really just too tired to be bothered for those types of demands. She has more time on her hands that she knows what to do with but we do not.

Is it really so unreasonable to protect a bit of weekend time and holiday time for just my nuclear family? To say this is what we are doing, you are welcome to come or not as you see fit but this is what is being offered? How are some of you navigating, full time work, kids, extracurricular, homework, friends, family, your marriage and God forbid yourself on occasion?! confused

FixItUpChappie Sat 31-Dec-16 18:20:23

Good god that was long!! grinwine

JohnLapsleyParlabane Sat 31-Dec-16 18:22:35


Cary2012 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:54:57


How did we manage it with a young family? We timetabled 'us' time, and stuck to it. Family time is so precious, never justify or defend it.

Crunchymum Sat 31-Dec-16 19:31:05

Wasn't Thanksgiving in November?

<misses point>

Whatsername17 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:35:13

Stop feeling guilty and enjoy your decision. Yanbu!

FixItUpChappie Sat 31-Dec-16 19:40:51

Canadian Thanksgiving is in October smile

haveacupoftea Sat 31-Dec-16 19:42:35


Your mum sounds a bit hormonal confused

FixItUpChappie Sat 31-Dec-16 20:44:34

Thanks for the responses, I think I just wanted to put it somewhere. Her words (and tears!) in October were hurtful and I felt very unfair - I start to wonder if I'm in the wrong brew

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Sat 31-Dec-16 21:04:40

My DCs are around the same age, and many days of visiting family have taken their toll. They've had little scope to burn physical energy and have been quite constrained in their behaviour in restaurants and other houses (they've done pretty well but it's tough).

When DS1 was about 2, a group of friends were arranging an afternoon at soft play at this time of year- great for a blow out of pent up energy. There was a spat as one of the group wanted to change the plan quite late on as she had issues with the location and wanted to do it at her house. Yet another day, cramped in someone else's living room on best behaviour was exactly what DS didn't need that week. ( I carried on with plan A regardless)

Young families do need time to unwind in their own space. YANBU.

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