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Aibu to think my dp should treat me with more respect?

(37 Posts)
Kaylasmum49 Sat 31-Dec-16 17:56:09

I have been with my dp for about 15 years. We have two dcs, aged 13 and 9. As usual in the beginning it was all lovely and I thought he was my soul mate. There were a couple of incidents in the first year that should have warned me that he wasn't quite the loving, caring man I thought him to be.

Over the years there has been a multitude of things that he's done that I consider to be disrespectful and pretty much downright nasty. He tells me to fuck off every now and again, which I absolutely hate. He knows this and I've asked him not to but now I think he does it on purpose to get a reaction from me.

It's got to the point that I find it hard to be civil to him anymore. He accuses me of nagging, which is probably true but it's the only way I can get him to do anything. He's very untidy and when not at work, very lazy. I do about 80% of the housework and childcare, while working partime. I also have 3 grown up dcs. My 32 yo ds has bpd, self harms, has a prescription drug addiction and a gamblt addiction. Life is very stressful.

I also have mental health issues, in fact all my dcs have issues to a varying degree which I hold myself responsible for. I have to add that my kids are my life.

I don't know what to do about the situatt with my dp. I'm not happy at all.

PovertyJetset Sat 31-Dec-16 18:00:17

Can you have a separation? Would therapy help?

While your partner sounds pretty horrible one sentence did stick out for me "kids are my life". Perhaps you haven't had a happy marriage as children have become your priority. Do you do too much for your adult children? I'm am not saying in anyway you deserve or provoke such horrible behaviour from him, just wondering if it's been more like 2 parents/roommates rather than a couple growing old together.

I would ask him yo leave

PuntasticUsername Sat 31-Dec-16 18:04:23

He sounds horrible from what you've written. What positive things does he bring to your life exactly...?

elvis86 Sat 31-Dec-16 18:25:42

I'm not sure the examples you've shared here really paint your OH in a terrible light?

He tells me to fuck off every now and again, which I absolutely hate. He knows this and I've asked him not to but now I think he does it on purpose to get a reaction from me.

This is hardly the worst thing in the world. We all say things when we're angry. You may not use the word fuck, but do you honestly never tell him to "do one" or similar during a disagreement??

It's got to the point that I find it hard to be civil to him anymore. He accuses me of nagging, which is probably true but it's the only way I can get him to do anything. He's very untidy and when not at work, very lazy. I do about 80% of the housework and childcare, while working partime.

I can sympathise re having a partner who doesn't share your tidyness standards, but that hardly consititutes disrespect or downright nastiness. Assuming he works full-time, how do you think housework and childcare should be split, given that you work part-time?

By all means LTB if you're unhappy, but from what you've said here your OH doesn't sound like a bad man. As someone else suggested, if you're over-involved in your 5 children's lives, perhaps you're not a great partner to him?

Just another perspective...

Kaylasmum49 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:03:11

Thanks for all the replies,

My kids ARE my life! The problems started before my youngest dcs came along. I don't think that my dp feels that he's been left out because of the kids. My ds with the severe mental health issues does need my help at times, I can't turn my back on him.

I know that a lot of people swear and I do sometimes, not in front of the kids though. The fact that I've told him I hate him telling me to fuck off and have asked him numerous times not to and he still does shows a lack of respect.

He has done so much over the years, I'll list a few. He tipped up an armchair in a drunken rage while telling me that I'm a bitch, if we disagree while in the car he will speed up to scare me, he does it when the kids are in the car, he has spat at me and my dd who was 13 at the time(not his dd) he kicks and throws things, has punched holes in the wall, a couple of years ago we were having an argument and he kicked me in the side, causing a lot of bruising and put a pillow over my face. This is just a few things, there are many more.

As far as the housework is concerned, for the last year I've been working 6 days a week and have done the majority of the housework, I always cook because he makes such a big deal about doing it and gets angry if he makes a mess of it. If I don't wash up then the dishes will sit all evening.

He makes me doubt myself all the time. We were shopping today and myself and my dd chose a new lamp, we were looking for the right bulbs for it and he came up to me and said "what are you getting a lamp that takes that kind of bulbs for" I told him that I liked the lamp. He moaned about it that much that I put the lamp back. He does this a lot.

I think I would be much happier without him but I know the kids would be devastated if we separate.

Kaylasmum49 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:19:45

Meant to mention that our house is in his name so I would probably have to leave with the kids as I don't think he'll move out.

elvis86 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:33:36

He has done so much over the years, I'll list a few. He tipped up an armchair in a drunken rage while telling me that I'm a bitch, if we disagree while in the car he will speed up to scare me, he does it when the kids are in the car, he has spat at me and my dd who was 13 at the time(not his dd) he kicks and throws things, has punched holes in the wall, a couple of years ago we were having an argument and he kicked me in the side, causing a lot of bruising and put a pillow over my face. This is just a few things, there are many more.

In light of this - LTB. Seriously.

Schwifty Sat 31-Dec-16 19:38:24

Kaylasmum49 - they'll be more devastated if he puts you in hospital. Or worse.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 31-Dec-16 19:55:38

If he is violent then your children are not safe. This situation is bad for their physical and mental health. If you can't leave for you then do it for them.

Kaylasmum49 Sat 31-Dec-16 19:59:36

He only hit me the one time but I know that it could happen again. He is unpredictable and has a very quick temper for which he's had anger management a few years ago.

I am going to look into my rights if we split up. Maybe I would be able to stay in the house? I worry how I would manage financially with only working part time.

LockedOutOfMN Sat 31-Dec-16 20:00:13

Agree with the previous posters. Your children cannot feel happy living with a father who is abusive to them as well as to their mother. You will be happier if you leave him and that will also be better for your children.

Without wishing to resort to a MN cliché, please go to speak to a lawyer about your situation. Good luck.

Kaylasmum49 Sat 31-Dec-16 20:09:50

He wasn't abusive to his own dc, it was my now 25 yo dd who was 13 at the time. He is a good dad to his dc but could interact with them more.

I agree that this is bad for the dcs and I want to do the right thing, I really do but don't know where to start. I'm 50 yo and for most of my adult life have been in a relationship. I'm having a really awful time atm with severe anxiety so I'm not as strong mentally as I'd like to be.

PuntasticUsername Sat 31-Dec-16 20:17:51

After your updates...LTB. He won't change, he'll only get worse. Get out now and when he tells you you'll regret it, remember us here, saying this and know that he's wrong.

Striking out on your own again is going to be tough, of course it is, and I'm afraid I don't have much practical advice to offer - but loads of people here do, and we'll help you through this safe and sound.

Good luck OP.

Schwifty Sat 31-Dec-16 20:18:14

Please try not to defend him, you've done it twice now, it's a textbook response aftet the way he's ground you down. Please very discreetly look into your rights and options, Womens Aid etc, I'm sure these ladies and other MN-ers will be able to give more detailed advice.

Schwifty Sat 31-Dec-16 20:21:04

And the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They've saved my sanity on more than one occasion in the past, even if it's just to let of some steam and have someone who's an expert assure you it's not your fault! Please take care, I'm new to MN and (whisper it) not even a mum but your post really touched me.

Lilaclily Sat 31-Dec-16 20:24:57

It's abuse and your children are seeing it, if they really are your life please ring for help

PovertyJetset Sun 01-Jan-17 02:33:26

I'm not surprised you're not feeling strong. He's a bully and a horrible abusive man.

Go to the CAB and call woman's aid. Pronto. flowers

Kaylasmum49 Sun 01-Jan-17 09:49:59

I don't think I was defending him as such, just that he can be really decent. Had always been very good to my older kids over the years.

He was knocked down by a car about 25 years ago and had a brain injury so I think some of his behaviour comes from this and it's the reason that I've put up with it for so long.

Most of the time I feel like I don't love him at all but the future without him scares me.

balence49 Sun 01-Jan-17 10:11:48

I got as far as the spitting. No coming back from that in my mind. Absolutely disgusting creature that can't possibly have and respect for you to behave like that. And that's no matter what the circumstances.

Squeegle Sun 01-Jan-17 10:16:25

He sounds terrible. Even if it is the brain injury that causes this behaviour you can't live with it. A future alone is not as scary as one with an abusive nasty inconsistent man. And I'm 51 and on my own with two DCs, so I do know! :-)

Kaylasmum49 Sun 01-Jan-17 12:48:44

I really regret ever meeting him, but if I hadn't I wouldn't have my two beautiful children. That's the only good to come from this relationship.

He has changed me as a person. I've never been the best housekeeper but now I like order and cleanliness in my life, too a point. It's an uphill struggle to keep my home tidy as he is a hoarder and has in the past taken things out of the bin that I've decided to throw away.

He is actually still married, I've asked him time and time again to get a divorce but he says it costs too much!!

I like to think I'm a reasonably nice person and would never be nasty to anyone but he makes me so angry and upset that I find must saying things that I never thought I would. He laughs at me, puts me down by telling me I only work part time, questions almost everything I do, what I buy, what I give the kids for school lunches, what I buy them for Christmas, the list goes on.

All I want is a little happiness and peace of mind. I have huge stress because of my son's illness and addictions and when I try to confide in my dp he says all the right things but give it a day or so and he's being vile to me. I think he waits until I'm at my most vulnerable to attack me. I sound paranoid now but I just feel wrung out, completely.

I do appreciate all the good advice on here and I am going to look into how I can plan to leave him, it's such a lot to think about when every day is a massive struggle with this anxiety.

Schwifty Sun 01-Jan-17 13:24:52

You're still defending him darling! I agree your children are the best thing to come of this relationship, your love for them shines through in your comments. Head injury or otherwise he's hurting you all, in ways that can and can't be seen. I can't help thinking your escape will help with your anxiety too - you DO NOT sound paranoid at all! Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm so glad you came here to talk about things!

Kaylasmum49 Sun 01-Jan-17 13:39:56

I think I just don't want to make him seem worse than he is.

I'm pretty sure I don't love him anymore, not even sure if I like him. I've spoken to my dcs before about the possibility of us separating and they were very upset about it, especially my ds, he was almost inconsolable. I know in the long run it would be better for them but it's the pain and upheaval that I'm going to cause them that's unbearable for me to think of.

My parents split up when I was 9 years old and my dad brought myself and my sister up. They argued a lot and it was so hard to witness. The day my mum left was awful for me, I missed her so much. I hid under the dining table and wouldn't come out. I have to add though that my dad was an amazing man who gave us a great childhood. My mum just didn't enjoy being a parent.

I'm scared that the dcs will blame me for us separating.

Nanny0gg Sun 01-Jan-17 13:43:59

I'm scared that the dcs will blame me for us separating.

Children aren't stupid. You don't think they know how he treats you?

Kaylasmum49 Sun 01-Jan-17 13:52:59

Yeah they do know how he treats me but as I said I'm not blameless and I tend to be very standoffish with him these days so they could easily blame me as I will be the one deciding to leave.

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