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Judging My MIL

(33 Posts)
Laserbird16 Sat 31-Dec-16 10:56:17

My DH recently told me his step dad used to beat him with a strap. My husband is very forgiving and is a very calm and lovely person. I can kind of forgive his step dad as I believe he has undiagnosed Asperger's plus was raised in care so posssibly had very little positive parenting to model. However, I can't stop thinking why my MIl didn't stop this abuse. I like her though I find her very negative about life. I would leave my DH in a heartbeat if he hurt our baby. I can't really understand why she didn't protect DH and his brother. i used to quite like her but I'm very disturbed by this, she visits every week to see our dd who is 5 months which was lovely as My grandparents died when I was very young but I can't stop thinking about her failure to protect my DH. My whole DH 's family are a bit odd to be honest and I'm not sure I want them involved in my Dd's life too much - is that unreasonable?

Prompto Sat 31-Dec-16 11:13:40

YABU to 'kind of' forgive his stepdad because he has a sad back story yet you have no sympathy for MIL. It was the stepfather who was beating him and, quite probably, if he was beating the children he was also beating her or subjecting her to emotional/financial abuse so she was in a position where she couldn't have easily left. Or maybe she simply didn't care that he was beating them. Who knows? You weren't there so it's unfair to blame one and not the other.

GeillisTheWitch Sat 31-Dec-16 11:15:47

There's no excuse for what the stepfather did. I wouldn't forgive either of them, and I would never ever leave your child unsupervised with them.

Fairenuff Sat 31-Dec-16 11:18:05

Maybe he was abusive towards her as well and she felt that she couldn't leave him?

Is your dh getting any counselling? It might benefit him to talk it over with a professional.

Just don't leave your child alone with either of them.

Trifleorbust Sat 31-Dec-16 11:39:18

It is a bit odd that you single out your MIL for blame when it was your FIL handing out the beatings hmm

Bitofacow Sat 31-Dec-16 11:43:14

It's not in your gift to forgive. Your DH has made accommodation with the past you need to support him.

They do sound odd and I would not leave dcs alone with them. However, kids benefit from interacting with different types of people, as long as yuyuou are their to explain and protect the DC they should be OK.

LagunaBubbles Sat 31-Dec-16 11:45:24

Ah so it's all poor old MILs fault for not stopping it - and making excuses for the actual abuser. Nice. hmm

ChocoChou Sat 31-Dec-16 11:47:12

It is a bit odd that you single out your MIL for blame when it was your FIL handing out the beatings

This- with jingle bells on.

Footinmouthasusual Sat 31-Dec-16 11:48:28

Support your dhs feelings here and just don't leave your child with them alone. No excuse for either of them really.

SingaSong12 Sat 31-Dec-16 11:48:30

Did Mil know what was happening and the extent of it? Was she in a position to leave (emotionally if she was also being abused or possibly financially). Was it a time when other parents might have used the same discipline and it was considered normal (at least in some families)?

TheTantrumCometh Sat 31-Dec-16 11:49:57

Why the fuck are women still judged by different standards to men? Sounds like they both did wrong, your FIL more so, but yeah, blame your MIL hmm

WorraLiberty Sat 31-Dec-16 11:50:54

Well fuck me, this really is the ultimate MIL bashing thread if you're willing to forgive the abuser and judge the woman living with him.

SouthPole Sat 31-Dec-16 11:54:37

Yay. Another woman blaming another woman.

If your husband has moved on, I suggest you do too.

This wasn't your problem and it's over now.

Smitff Sat 31-Dec-16 12:10:19

I get what you're saying, OP.

But I agree with PP. I don't think you've thought this through enough, and certainly not with any compassion (for your MIL).

Sounds like you're a new mum and the mother role is inhabiting your imagination. Don't say anything. Let some time pass, get stuck into motherhood a bit - and then see that being a mother doesn't change who you are and doesn't change the rules of life. Or that, perhaps, your MIL had just as strong maternal instincts as you do and staying and not doing anything may have actually been what she thought was the better option at the time.

Nobody was in the wrong here, quite possibly, apart from your adult FIL who 100% was when he was taking a strap to your DH.

Laserbird16 Sat 31-Dec-16 12:11:00

I think those saying DH has made his peace with it so I should too are right. DH has a good relationship with his mum who I think tried her best. DH's biological father was very abusive to her and the boys. You're right I do judge MIL and Fil by different standards not because he is is a man but because he is almost a child himself. He had a a very hard upbringing and I think was bought up in a situation where children were seen and not heard and beaten if they didn't comply. S She I think MIL is also a woman of her time where you really did need a man to survive and he adores her. They would never intentionally hurt DD butI wouldn't ask them to care for DD as I don't think either of them could physically or emotionally.

WorraLiberty Sat 31-Dec-16 13:38:11

He's not almost a child himself.

He's a grown man, a husband, a step-father, a step-grandfather who I assume holds down a job, drives a car and does other adult things?

He chose to beat his step-child with a strap.

It's one thing understanding and making peace with something that happened in the past, but it's quite another to make excuses for it.

Prompto Sat 31-Dec-16 14:28:59

My eldest has ASD, he still gets in trouble for hitting and has been taught that aggression and violence are not acceptable.

The stepfather's undiagnosed/suspected condition and childhood is no excuse for his actions. My own father was regularly beaten with sticks yet he never felt the need to take a stick to his own children.

Whosthemummynow Sat 31-Dec-16 15:07:35

You obviously know fuck all about aspergers OP

DailyFail1 Sat 31-Dec-16 15:16:45

YABVU to get involved in things you don't have the first clue about. You weren't there when your DH was abused, he was & he has chosen to forgive his stepfather and (I assume) he doesn't blame his mum at all. My dad was abused by my grandad too, and my grandma used to do ALOT for him even though she never left the bastard - she'd step into beatings, she'd make grandad angry on purpose before dad came home from school and dad would often find her in a pool of blood in the kitchen, she'd make all of my dad's favourite foods and supported him to get out as soon as he could. You don't know shit about what your mil must have gone through. I also think it's really sexist you blaming her for her husband's mistakes. By that logic if your child grows up to be a drug addict or murderer we should blame you, right?

Tryingtostayyoung Sat 31-Dec-16 15:55:36

I sort of feel this too. DHs dad (who he has absolutely no relationship with) used to punish him with a belt. His parents didn't spectate until he was 16 and this punishment was used from the age of around 10. I find it astounding that she allowed this to happen in her home, she plays the doting mother/nanny constantly but it's always in the back of my mind that this happened, I would run away in the middle of the night rather than let that happen to my child on a regular basis. They never even separated in the end because of this, he left her!!

Spikeyball Sat 31-Dec-16 16:01:26

Aspergers has got nothing to do with this.

NavyandWhite Sat 31-Dec-16 16:32:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite Sat 31-Dec-16 16:32:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 Sat 31-Dec-16 16:49:27

Your judging her and him by today's standards of parenting and relationships.

So she already left one abusive relationship with two children. Look on the relationship boards now and see how difficult it is for women to leave with all the information and support there is today. People are rarely back and white. Im sure she thought her new dh was a million times better than the last.

My parents and my husband grew up when it was it acceptable and in use to smack your children. Wooden spoon era my dh calls it. He nor my parents would dream of hitting our children. Because society has moved on and views children in a totally different way.

It isn't your thing to forgive. It's your dh to decide how he processes and views it.

KnittedBlanketHoles Sat 31-Dec-16 16:49:42

I think it might be internalised mysogony making the OP blame mil here.

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