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AIBU to feel really upset by this comment from DD?

(189 Posts)
Luce14 Sat 31-Dec-16 04:59:00

It's been 2 years since my mum passed away (today, well, now yesterday)... I visited the church he is buried at last year and obviously did the same this year. I asked my DD (now 19) and DS if they would please come with me again this year. My mum did so much for them, it really isn't a big ask. Son straight away agreed and DD replied with "sorry, I'm in the middle of watching a film" I said we could go after and she said "to be honest mum, I just can't be bothered today". I honestly was heartbroken. I'd maybe, slightly be a bit more understanding if she had been super busy but she has been off for 2 weeks! AIBU?

Chelazla Sat 31-Dec-16 05:02:58

No you aren't u. No offence but she sounds selfish. 2 years is no time at all. My Nan died 9 years ago- I miss her every single day. I'm sorry you lost your mumflowers

hesterton Sat 31-Dec-16 05:04:02

Maybe she finds your grief hard to deal with - she can't rescue you from it and would prefer to distance herself.

That's fine. Don't make her feel bad about it; we all grieve in different ways, and her response doesn't mean she didn't love her gran. It's a very personal thing and we can only take responsibility for ourselves.

Luce14 Sat 31-Dec-16 05:07:33

I haven't made her feel bad, I didn't say anything, I just went with DS.

Thank you Chelazla

KathArtic Sat 31-Dec-16 05:08:30

The thing you find comfort in visiting the grave/garden of rest, but others may not. It has to be a personal thing.Maybe she finds it too upsetting.

How much notice did you give her? Next time say you are going the following week and would she come with you, then go on somewhere afterwards for coffee and cake and a chat about grandma. Make it a pleasant and positive experience.

flowers

HermioneWoozle Sat 31-Dec-16 05:11:41

I think YABU a bit, sorry. Perhaps she has just moved on in her mind, has had a nice break and doesn't want to do something which will bring back feelings of sadness.

Everyone grieves in their own way and I wouldn't make it a three line whip for DCs to accompany me. Ask them whether they want to go, if not just leave it.

I think I visited my maternal grandmother's memorial once a year after she died, and that was it. Have lost all of the older generation, and some younger ones, in our extended family in my lifetime, we are a close family and I don't think I have ever visited a grave or memorial other than the one time I mentioned.

It certainly doesn't mean that relatives are not missed, or forgotten. I still dream about them from time to time. We talk about them often.

FixItUpChappie Sat 31-Dec-16 05:12:55

Her comment was insensitive but I agree with hesterton - many people are very uncomfortable dealing with death and the outward grief of others - not judging but I have observed this to be the case and have felt this way myself.

Bereavement is so personnel and 19yr olds don't always excel in tact

Luce14 Sat 31-Dec-16 05:13:48

Yeah, I don't think it does bring her comfort, she doesn't see the point. However, it was for me... Maybe that's selfish of me, but at 19, I do think it was a bit mean of her.

Chelazla Sat 31-Dec-16 05:16:43

I think the op asked if she was u to be upset by the comment and she's not. Her dd comment was really out of order and disrespectful to her nans memory. 2 years is nothing at all. I'm sure if dd had said "it makes me to sad to go" op would have accepted fine but "I can't be bothered"? I don't understand how ppl are making excuses! Sorry!

WilburIsSomePig Sat 31-Dec-16 05:22:04

No Luce, it's not selfish of you. I would expect another adult, like your daughter, to have a bit of compassion for their own mother.

If she does find it difficult, I'm sure if she'd told you that you would have understood. To dismiss it by saying she was watching a film and just didn't feel like it is just plain horrible.

I think it was a rotten thing for her to do.

WilburIsSomePig Sat 31-Dec-16 05:23:51

I don't understand how ppl are making excuses!

Me neither Chelazia. We're not talking about some little kid here, there's no excuse for being plain hurtful.

RaeSkywalker Sat 31-Dec-16 05:24:38

I'm 29 and visited my grandmother's grace for the first time on Christmas Eve. She died 4 years ago. We were close and I miss her terribly- I hadn't visited the grave because if I'm honest, I was a bit scared about how I would feel. I went with DH- no way would I have gone with my mum or grandfather, as I don't want them to be burdened with my grief in addition to their own. I'm really lucky that my family hadn't pushed me to attend earlier.

It might be worth taking to her about why she didn't go with you.

RaeSkywalker Sat 31-Dec-16 05:25:50

I'd also definitely explain that what she said hurt you. She should know that already though.

Chelazla Sat 31-Dec-16 05:28:58

It's not about her not wanting to go I don't think more the hurtful and dismissive comment. Me and my Gramps never ever mention my Nan as I instantly cry. I can't help it especially to him, so I wouldn't want to go either but imagine being so heartless! Sorry if I'm not open to other view points I'm just sorry for Luce. I'd be devastated if my dd did this and im usually live n let live!

Tootsiepops Sat 31-Dec-16 05:33:03

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum died this year, and the grief has at times felt unbearable.

I think YABU for a few reasons. As well as losing my mum, I have also lost my dad and brother. I've never once visited anyone's grave, because, although I loved my family very much, it doesn't mean anything to me. I wouldn't take any comfort from it, nor do I understand why other people do it. My mum, dad and brother are not at their graves - they are gone. I don't need to set aside time to think about them either as I do it every day, a million times per day.

When my mum was buried, it was a bitter cold, windy, snowy, grey day, and at the end of the internment, the celebrant asked everyone to return to their cars so that extended family could have some time by the graveside and I remember think 'no way - it's freezing out here, and my mum would not want me to be cold'

On the other hand, perhaps a visit would have been too distressing for your daughter? Because for some people who are not cold hearted like me it can be overwhelming, and distressing emotions can resurface that are exhausting to deal with. Perhaps that is what your daughter can't be bothered with? Although not very elegantly put really, but I was not very thoughtful as a 19 year old either.

If you have explained to your children that you would like them to go with you to support you, then I can see why your daughter's response is a bit of a kick in the teeth, but other than that, grieving is personal and I wouldn't make her feel bad for not wanting to go.

(also - as my bereavement counsellor gently reminds me, your mum and the loss of your mum will never be fully understood by anyone other than you. Be grateful that your daughter doesn't understand the depths of your grief. She won't until it's your time to go and she has to grieve for you flowers)

HermioneWoozle Sat 31-Dec-16 05:33:33

I think some people must live a constant life of outrage, drama and disagreement if they blow up at every offhand comment.

Of course it's ok for you to be upset, OP and to say you found her comment a little thoughtless. But then let it go, FFS. Life's too short.

Chelazla Sat 31-Dec-16 05:38:28

I don't get offended by every comment but it is a little different hermione it's her mum whose passed away. Sure we can allow her to feel sensitive on the subject

HermioneWoozle Sat 31-Dec-16 05:56:16

I suggest you read my posts again, Chelaza.

FrancisCrawford Sat 31-Dec-16 06:11:24

That was a very thoughtless way for her to behave.

She is 19 and if she cannot get up off the sofa for a short graveside visit to support her DM, it's very sad. At her age she should have some compassion for others.

I'd be getting her to do a lot more stuff around the house as a way of reminding her that the world doesn't revolve around her.

toomuchtooold Sat 31-Dec-16 06:13:01

I think the issue is that you wanted her to be there for your sake, and she's maybe not picked that up - she's not picked up that your question "would you like to come with me" was a request for help rather than an offer of something to do IYSWIM. It's thoughtless but she's only just an adult, it maybe hasn't occurred to her that you might want her support.

cricketballs Sat 31-Dec-16 06:13:03

Op - my DM also passed a year ago, my sister 16 years ago.
I refuse to visit on the anniversary of their deaths but I do on their birthday as the would rather remember a happy time.

I do however appreciate the comment was hurtful and I would explain this to your DD

Trifleorbust Sat 31-Dec-16 06:18:03

YANBU. She is 19 - plenty old enough to take your feelings into account. If she didn't want to go because it would be upsetting then she should have said. "I can't be bothered" is horribly dismissive and insensitive.

Man10 Sat 31-Dec-16 06:19:32

I don't understand why anyone would want to visit a grave.

I don't understand why anyone would want "support", in any context, assuming by "support" we don't mean any concrete action that actually solves or mitigates a problem. How does someone else simply being in the vicinity make any difference to anything?

HeddaGabbler Sat 31-Dec-16 06:25:01

I think Yabu. Did you explain to her that you wanted her there as support for yourself? She's only just 19 so may not have considered it like this.

As for the poster who said its disrespectful of the DD; what a ridiculous overreaction. People grieve in all different ways and not visiting a grave site it a valid choice.

nuttyknitter Sat 31-Dec-16 06:43:29

I think YABU too. I loved my mum and we had a great relationship but I have never wanted to visit her grave - the mum I remember isn't there and I'd rather remember her in happier ways. Your daughters response wasn't very tactful but it's her choice.

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