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To think I'll never really get over this...

(72 Posts)
Superfizz Fri 30-Dec-16 23:27:21

Name changed for this... please be kind.

3 years ago around this time of year I had an abortion, it was an accidental conception and I was on the pill. I was around 6-7 weeks when I had the medical termination.
At the time I was with an emotionally abusive partner (I didn't realise the abuse until after and I have since been enlightened to what a loving relationship is)
When I found out I was pregnant he forced me to tell my parents (the day I found out - I was 20 at the time so wanted to think about everything before talking to them) by simply telling my dad I was pregnant.
Long story short I can't really remember the conversations that followed... my partner at the time half heartedly kept saying that he would stand by whatever decision I made, although I feel like he just said it because it was kind of the right thing to say at the time.

On the day of the abortion I was emotional to say the least, my ex partner and I had an argument that morning over something trivial and he very kindly said he would 'stay with me for today but would leave me as soon as I'd had the abortion - I.e end it with me'
He took me to the clinic and left me and then picked me up when it was 'done'
I couldn't stop crying that night and he told me to 'shut up because he had work in the morning'

I never really got full closure from this, it was never really mentioned after the day it happened, I cried now and again and he said that it was the right decision but nothing else.
We didn't stay together for too long after as I'd found out he had cheated on me a year before and he started to get physically abusive. It was a quick break up and I literally went from seeing him every day and living with him to absolutely nothing and we've had no contact since.

This time of year I just feel myself mulling over everything and the fact that my baby would have been 3 now... I feel guilt constantly because of how quick it was decided and happened.
The words 'I'll stand by what YOU decide' ring in my ears because I feel responsible and awful that I couldn't have this child.
I see things on tv about people trying to conceive and feel awful that I had that and let it go.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say I just wondered if anyone has any advice or has been in this position?

My current partner knows what happened but not what time of year etc it was and I wouldn't want to say as we have our own lo now and I don't want old memories of my past relationships being brought up.

I feel like I'll never get past it.

GettingScaredNow Fri 30-Dec-16 23:32:44

I've no words really. So sorry for you.

Your so very brave, brave to leave, brave to post here.

flowers for you. Abusive man are so clever with their words.

So sorry you had to endure all that.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Fri 30-Dec-16 23:34:05

flowers not been in this position and can't really help I'm afraid.

Your ex sounds awful and I get that you are feeling guilty about the abortion. You absolutely shouldn't though. You did nothing wrong - if I'd been in your shoes I would have done the same.
It's just my opinion but I think it's best you had the abortion - if you didn't you could still be with that awful man now with a child being subjected to his abuse.

You did nothing wrong. I'm sure time will help you feel better. Best of luck

CalleighDoodle Fri 30-Dec-16 23:35:45

You made the right decision. He was physically abusive. That often gets worse in pregnancy. Carryng on with the pregnancy and with him could have been cery dangerous for you x

booellesmum Fri 30-Dec-16 23:37:42

Having read your post I have no doubt you made the right decision.
Ask yourself what would life be like now if you hadn't.
You would have always been tied to that abusive relationship as would your child, and also your new partner and lo.
Focus on your new family and the future.

Talluahlu Fri 30-Dec-16 23:40:19

I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrendous experience. Have you tried speaking to a GP? You can access talk therapy and counselling for this.

Ohyesiam Fri 30-Dec-16 23:41:24

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and really glad you are out of that abusive relationship.
I worked through this with a therapist, who encouraged me to wrote a letter to the baby, saying how sorry I was. I thought it was a load of bull to be honest, but it really really helped me, I felt lighter as soon as I read it out. I also worked on forgiving myself, first by imagining that it was another person in my situation ( because I was so used to being unkind to myself), and knowing I could be very kind and understanding to someone else. Then gently allowing myself to have some of that tenderness.
It also sounds like you need to express how cruelly you were treated by your boyfriend of the time.
Get some counseling if you can, or trek someone you true. Or write it all down

dollydaydream114 Fri 30-Dec-16 23:42:03

Oh god, you poor thing. No wonder you're still struggling with this; it sounds like you've had a really traumatic time.

I don't doubt for one second that you made exactly the right decision regarding your termination. You did what was right at the time and you have nothing to feel guilty about. But I can understand why this whole incident has left you struggling to process what happened.

Have you thought about some counselling?

Ohyesiam Fri 30-Dec-16 23:42:20

Sorry. Posted early.
But best of luck with this, you have been through to much on your Ogden, and you CAN heal from it. X

FastWindow Fri 30-Dec-16 23:44:09

I have been where you are. Not quite as harrowing, but it sounds like although you made the absolute right decision, you weren't given the chance to realise that.

Everything you've posted hardly touches on your decision and is all about the abuse at the time. So you need to do two things, which is going to separate the abortion decision from the situation at the time.

Think about what if he had disappeared like smoke long before the procedure . You would have made the same decision.

He didn't help you at all by hanging around, pretending to stand by 'your decision'.

Focus on your life now. If it helps, imagine a life where the total arsewipe is the father. Not much fun? That's how I got through - by knowing I did the right thing for me and for the life that the child would have had to have.

Hth. Shit all the same. My month is October, but I haven't thought of it for a while. Time heals. X

Ditsy4 Fri 30-Dec-16 23:52:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OptimisticSix Fri 30-Dec-16 23:53:01

I had a termination when I was 19 because I was too scared to even consider alternatives. It was my decision but I was so scared I didn't think about anything else. It is the only regret I have as I know now I'd have managed and I'd have been fine. I don't think about it often and it's not so much guilt as it was still cells at that point, but regret definitely. Its an awful thing to go through though but I promise it gets better and for now you are grieving for what could have been and you need to give yourself time to do that xxx

ItsTimeForDuggee Fri 30-Dec-16 23:54:45

Don't be hard on yourself op you made the right choice for you at the time flowers

BillSykesDog Fri 30-Dec-16 23:56:15

Similar yes, except in my case the abusive person who pressured me was my mother. My baby would have turned 19 in November.

The way I look at it now is that it was not the right time, it was an unhappy situation, I don't think I would have been able to cope and we would have had very unhappy lives. I struggled with it for a long time. I've come to terms with it and I don't regret it now, but I feel sad it had to happen, and I think ultimately I did the right thing because I would have brought a child into an awful situation. I have three children now, but I do still think of that baby and carry them with me, but it comes from a place of love with a little regret I wasn't in the position to give that child the nice life and family (and especially father) that my children have now.

It takes time but you will get there. Being under pressure to do it is awful because it stops you from coming to terms with it afterwards because it wasn't totally your own decisions and makes the 'what ifs' so much worse. But you've been very brave and the pressure doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision. That poor child would have been tied to that awful man for their whole life. You did the best you could in a horrible situation.

BillSykesDog Fri 30-Dec-16 23:58:16

FFS, don't call that LIFE number. They are religious anti-abortionists and will not give you what you need right now.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 23:59:46

I'd be thankful that I wasn't living 'that life' anymore.

You can't pull yourself apart over 'what if's.'

Life is 'what is'. That's far more important.

FastWindow Sat 31-Dec-16 00:02:03

Are they really bill? How horrible.

How awful, if they pretend to be supportive and aren't. No one needs preaching to after the fact.

TheProblemOfSusan Sat 31-Dec-16 00:06:07

I'm sorry you feel so badly about this. I'd like to echo what a pp has said - it sounds like this man treated you appallingly.

This has clearly stayed with you a long time and is negatively impacting you now - if you can find a way to talk to a professional about this I think it would help.

1horatio Sat 31-Dec-16 00:09:45

Ringing a number of an organisation called LIFE to try dealing with an abortion seems like a very very bad idea.

OP, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm not sure what else to say. Take care.

flowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 31-Dec-16 00:11:51

Superfizz I am so sorry for you. It sounds like you did not get the support and help you needed and may have made a different decision if you had been able to have that help.

However, even if you had that support, or a supportive partner, you may have still decided to terminate the pregnancy.

I think you need to access some impartial counselling to help you come to terms with all that you have encountered. The abortion but also the abusive partner, the abrupt end of the that relationship and even the fact you had pressure put on you to reveal the pregnancy to your dad, which was totally unfair and may have influenced how you reacted.

Please find a way to come to terms with the past and lay this to rest as peacefully as you can. Your GP may be able to recommend counselling, it sounds like it is really more than the abortion, the abusive relationship may well have dented your self esteem in a very big way.

mummydawn07 Sat 31-Dec-16 00:19:50

I had an abortion when I was 16, I had been with my OH for 1 year and we both decided on it, we were too young, and in no position to bring a life into the world, I too was 6 weeks gone when I had it, but I was lucky I had my OH and my mum to support me but it doesn't mean that on the odd occasion I sit and think I wonder if I would of had a boy or girl or what that baby would of been like had I continued the pregnancy, it does make me sad but then I know I made the right choice, I think you did too form what I read about you ex, he sounds awful and you are better off with him not in your life at all which id imagine he would be if you continued the pregnancy and had a baby.. it is truly sad that you had that experience and I think perhaps some counselling will help flowers

RedastheRose Sat 31-Dec-16 00:19:55

You will get over this. I have been where you are. 18 years old had only been going out with my boyfriend for a few weeks, who was also EA (but I didn't know it at the time) and said identical thing to me. He would stand by 'my' decision. It broke my heart even though I know it was the right thing to do at the time and in the circumstances. I thought about it constantly until I had my first DD 6 years later. I mourned the loss of the baby that never was but time does heal you and it gets less and less until you find that you hardly think about it anymore. If you are struggling then go to your doctor and ask to be referred for counselling or pay for a few private sessions with a counsellor you connect with (you can usually talk to a counsellor initially for free so you can find one that you feel comfortable with). A good counsellor should be able to help you with the feelings of loss and guilt. Hugs for your sadness.

Superfizz Sat 31-Dec-16 08:14:17

Wow thank you everyone for your kind replies, even people telling me that I seem to have done the right thing has made me feel differently.
I know I shouldn't let it I impact my life now, but I'm also waiting to be punished for what I did and keep thinking something's bound to happen to me or my lo because of it. Stupid I know!
I think I'll go to my gp and see what they say, thank you also to everyone that has shared your experiences smileflowers

RedHelenB Sat 31-Dec-16 08:19:36

You will not be punished for having an abortion! I

flumpybear Sat 31-Dec-16 08:35:47

It must be so hard, you were so young and naive but with a horrible man who abused you. If you hadn't broken free you may still
Be Living in this awful situation and not moved into a loving relationship. Time To try and move onwards flowers

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