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To feel completely betrayed?

(48 Posts)
strawberrykiss36 Fri 30-Dec-16 21:35:25

I'm currently in a bit of a dysfunctional relationship, probably to put it mildly. We've been together six years and have a one year old.

He's always had anger issues (grew up seeing his parents fight physically with each other regularly) and can become extremely nasty and aggressive at the drop of a hat. In the last month he's shoved me up against the kitchen side a few times, had his hands around my neck and pushed my head towards the door trying to throw me out the house. He calls me a selfish bitch, says I have no friends, says things like if I ever left him he'd be sure to make it a struggle for me.

Before we had DD or I even got pregnant, I always said smoking and cannabis were a deal breaker for me, I didn't want that in my house when I had a child. He's always smoked weed but said he had quit after we had DD, only to find out if isn't just the occasional social thing when he sees his friends, it's been pretty much constant for the past year, and he's been lying to me. I used to question how easy he'd given up and he always said he just had, even when I had suspicions and asked him, he just lied blatantly to my face.

I'm disappointed in how he is as a father, he's lazy, everything seems like too much effort, I can count on both hands the amount of times he's got up in the morning with DD instead of me in a year, he expects me to do all the housework. Every time I mention it it causes a massive argument. He feels a lot of stress from work, although to me it just appears to be a normal work situation. I work from home and struggle to find the time to because he treats his time with so much more importance than mine.

I don't know why I'm even writing this, I'm sort of in limbo with no idea what to do or how to sort/end our relationship. I really do love him but I feel pathetic admitting it, on the surface it looks ridiculous and I'd be telling any of my friends to get rid immediately.

Sorry for ranting blush

WinterIsHereJon Fri 30-Dec-16 21:37:26

I think the weed is least of your worries. I would take my daughter and run a mile from this violent man.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall Fri 30-Dec-16 21:38:34

Your OH saw violent parents and Ian now violent himself. Would you want that for your one year old?
Health and safety and welfare are paramount. Growing up in a dysfunctional household is damaging to children and causes a life time of issues.
Sorry but I would NEVER put my child through this. Kids pick up tension even if they never see the abuse. It is a terrible situation for you S your child to be in.
Things may be tough by leaving but it is nothing compared to protecting your child.

Gymnopedies Fri 30-Dec-16 21:38:39

Please contact woman's aid. You need to protect yourself and your DD.

CaveMum Fri 30-Dec-16 21:39:17

He's had his hands round your neck?! I'm so sorry but you need to report him to the police and throw him out of the house. If that's not feasible then you need to leave and quickly.

It will be hard but, and I'm sorry but there's no easy way to say this, you need to go before the very real possibility that he kills you.

memyselfandaye Fri 30-Dec-16 21:39:39

Leave before he kills you and your child ends up in care because Mum's dead and Dad's in jail.

It happens.


ThePinkOcelot Fri 30-Dec-16 21:39:45

He sounds like a useless waste of space to me OP. I think you would find that you're better off without him. He also physically abuses you. Get rid, before it gets a lot worse.

Cherrysoup Fri 30-Dec-16 21:42:30

Rent or own? Who's on the tenancy/mortgage? You know this won't improve. The weed is a deal breaker: why therefore are you still with him? Please call the police and have him removed from the property.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 30-Dec-16 21:47:27

I think you know OP. You're daft for staying and you're questioning yourself.

Go be happy elsewhere!

RubyRoseViolet Fri 30-Dec-16 21:48:52

Op you need to get away from him and soon!!! He is extremely abusive. You cannot put yourself and your daughter through any more of this abuse. Contact Women's Aid, keep posting here as there are many wise, courageous women who have come through similarly difficult situations.

Itsallgoodimtold Fri 30-Dec-16 21:50:00

Yanbu to feel betrayed whatsoever, but now is not the time to dwell on that, it will just delay you dealing with what needs to be done. It is going to be tough but it doesn't sound like he is capable of change so you need help to be strong for the sake of yourself and child.
Imagine your own child was being treated this way by another person. You would feel anger. You need to stop feeling that you love him and feel the anger. Definitely much easier said.... but please contact support as pp advised or help from family or friends if you have them.

DJBaggySmalls Fri 30-Dec-16 21:50:12

Womens Aid can offer practical advice and support, including the Freedom program.

0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

AnyFucker Fri 30-Dec-16 21:50:50

Please protect your daughter

RoseOfSharyn Fri 30-Dec-16 21:55:33

Are you aware that men with a history of putting their hands on a womans neck are more likely to go on to murder.

If for not your own sake leave to keep your daughter safe.

You've said it yourself, he's this way because he saw his parents relationship. At best your daughter will turn out the same. At worst he'll turn on her too!

ConfusedintheNorth Fri 30-Dec-16 22:00:35

LEAVE! - Via a police station!

Branleuse Fri 30-Dec-16 22:03:55

he is dangerous. Smoking is the least of your worries. You need to get yourself and your daughter away from that piece of shit

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 30-Dec-16 22:07:55

Got to agree - he's dangerous and he's a drug user. Weed isn't completely inocuous - it doesn't make everyone all chilled out and happy, it can turn them paranoid and violent as well. A friend of mine was throttled by her exH when he had been using weed heavily - he had a psychotic moment and nearly killed her. Blood vessels burst in her eyes, she passed out, THAT's how close he got to actually killing her.

Luckily (huh!) for her, he then booked himself into a psych unit and was kept in for some time; but she also threw him out immediately and he was cautioned by police.

Leave him, or get him to leave. He adds nothing to your life, he's likely to take a lot from it, or actually end up taking it. He adds nothing to your DD's life apart from potentially putting her in the same situation he grew up in.

Please do contact WA and leave.

nocoolnamesleft Fri 30-Dec-16 22:10:59

Hands around your neck? He's escalating. You are at risk of him killing you. Your dd needs you alive. Please, try to see your way to get out.

dailymaillazyjournos Fri 30-Dec-16 22:19:22

YANBU to feel completely betrayed. You say you didn't know why you wrote your post but maybe seeing what you've written, through the eyes of strangers, might help you do what I think you know needs to be done for your sake and DD's.

You are worth more than this and so is your DD. Sometimes leaving seems even more scary and nightmarish than leaving but your DD needs you to be safe and she needs to be safe too.

Get somewhere where you can make a phonecall undisturbed phone phone Women's Aid. You can phone the police for more immediate help.

You say you love him and no-one can say otherwise. You feel how you feel. But he sounds very badly damaged by the things that have happened in his past and he isn't safe to stay with. The violence may escalate to the point that you are in immediate danger. It is safest to pre-empt that by going asap and not be trying to get help in the midst of him seriously attacking you. You can do this. People can help. Please let them.

Lynnm63 Fri 30-Dec-16 22:20:24

You know what you need to do. He's escalating, it doesn't take that much pressure to kill. This will hurt your child, get out while you still can.

IAmNotTheOneWhoKnocks Fri 30-Dec-16 22:22:56

Why did you have a child with this disgusting man? Jesus.

Jaxhog Fri 30-Dec-16 22:24:37

Go. Now.

liletsthepink Fri 30-Dec-16 22:25:38

You need to contact women's aid because they can help you to leave safely.

MistyMinge Fri 30-Dec-16 22:26:57

Things won't ever get better. He could really hurt you one day, or worse. What if he loses his rag with your DD? Don't put up with it. This is not a healthy relationship. Leave him!!!

TinkievsBroBeen Fri 30-Dec-16 22:36:47

Without second paragraph, this reads like a nightmare and a situation that needs massive addressing.

With para 2, it - to put it bluntly - makes the rest of your issues with your delightful OH look like fairydustangry

You MUST leave or get him to leave - do you understand? Throttling/chocking someone is the singular biggest red flag there is and you have had it - still have it? As guessing entirely feasible he'll repeat - waved over you and writ large.


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