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To be hurt by this?

(13 Posts)
everythingisbad Fri 30-Dec-16 13:31:18

It's my best friends birthday today. For context we are both mid 20s, single with no kids and staying with our parents over the holidays. She always keeps her birthdays very low-key and normally we go for a meal or drinks. This year when I asked her what she was doing, she said just family things but it transpired that another friend had asked her to do something with their two families and she would probably be doing this - totally fine but I would have loved to come along/celebrate with her - I sometimes feel like she tries to fit me in around pre existing commitments and just feel quite rubbish about it. She then kept apologising that we weren't doing anything for her birthday/New Years (we have a long standing tradition of doing things on both days) and I just said it was fine and up to her what she wanted to do - which it is!

But to me the solution is simple... if she really wanted me there she could have just invited me - I get on well with mutual friend and their families and she knows this! Just don't understand why she has to keep going on about how she feels so bad we won't see each other to me when it could easily be resolved if she did in fact feel that bad about it?!

everythingisbad Fri 30-Dec-16 13:34:56

Similarly she KEPT apologising about New Year's Eve even when I have other arrangements that I could have made (and did make) instead. I have lots of other friends to do things with and it grates when she says this, even though I know she means well!!

There is a bit of a longstanding history of this with us. She always insists she would love us to go on holiday tugether, but then if other groups of friends/friends ask, she is easily persuaded and goes - leaving not enough money or holiday days for us!!!i sometimes feel like while we are very close, I am not her priority and am someone to be fitted in?

Cheaploopaper Fri 30-Dec-16 13:35:32

What she is doing with the other people, for her own birthday is fine, but she should have told you, and poss made another arrangement with you. She doesn't 'feel bad' if she did, she would have made plans with you. I have had experience of this type of flaky behaviour with friends in the past. Let her hand as she grows, as my dear mum would say!

Cheaploopaper Fri 30-Dec-16 13:36:04

HANG as she grows, typo!

TheNewSchmoo Fri 30-Dec-16 13:36:24

I'm sorry you are feeling hurt, but in this instance I wouldn't invite you along either. It's a day for the two families to share, her birthday, and your feelings aren't the most important thing in this.

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 30-Dec-16 13:37:20

It's not really her place to invite you if it was the other friends who organised things though.

Bluntness100 Fri 30-Dec-16 13:43:50

Hmm,, I don't like the fact she feels she needs to apologise to you for having seperate plans, she should be able to discuss them with you happily without this need. Feelkng like you should be her priority is all kinds of wrong.

It comes across as if you feel she shouldn't be doing things without you and should always invite you and that's not what friendship is, she's allowed a life without you. She might invite you more if you lighten up on the possessiveness. It's like something out of school. I think you need to focus on widening your social circle and interests and try to break this cycle your in where you feel you should be her priority and not fitted in. 🙄

everythingisbad Fri 30-Dec-16 13:47:24

What bluntness?? We both have our own separate lives! I was just hurt because we have longstanding plans for her birthday and did want to celebrate with her!! At no point have I made her feel not encouraged her to feel that she has to apologuse to me - if anything I find it a bit patronising, almost as if she's implying that I'm the one without other friends??

Passmethecrisps Fri 30-Dec-16 13:48:43

Do you actually arrange things? Or aren't you waiting for her to? Sorry if that is clear and I have misunderstood. It sounds like other people aren't making plans with her which she is accepting as you haven't actually made a firm arrangement.

Get in touch with her and make a firm plan.

Cheaploopaper Fri 30-Dec-16 13:48:52

I agree with above, but the 'feeling bad' is a lot of crap. Sounds like this friendship is too one-sided, for whatever the reasons. Phase her out before she does the same to you, sorry but you are obviously not as close as you would like.

Passmethecrisps Fri 30-Dec-16 13:50:07

So you actually had a firm plan which she pulled out of. Or do you have a history of plans which hadn't yet been sorted?

Niloufes Fri 30-Dec-16 14:11:31

If you want to see your friend make a firm plan. Stop worrying about what she does with other people, its other people, people have other friends.

Katy07 Fri 30-Dec-16 14:18:46

She decided to do something different this year but is trying not to hurt your feelings, even though you hadn't made any definite arrangements with her first. What's wrong with that? You didn't have longstanding plans, you just had a habit of doing things at that time. Besides, it wasn't her arrangement to change to accommodate you - the friend asked her.
I think you're being unreasonable and it may well be putting her off.

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