AIBU? Relationship breakdown MIL(156 Posts)
This will be long so please bare with me. I want to try and be as fair as I can be but I will admit I have gotten so defensive over the situation it just makes me angry.
My MIL and me got on great, we used to go shopping, meet for coffee, go for lunches and we used to also spend a lot of time messaging or talking on the phone. I found out I was pregnant soon after me and my OH got together and MIL was happy about this.
Even before the baby was born the relationship began to suffer, we had quote a big bust up over the baby's name. She took over and bought loads of clothes including what would of been my daughters first Christmas outfit. We were all set to move in with her just before the baby was born and save a little more money so we could move comfortably into out own place.
A few days before I was induced to give birth I started being badgered by my MIL and BIL. My BIL does not live locally and he and his now fiancee wanted to come and stay at my MILs the day after I got out of hospital with the baby!! I was unhappy with this I was planning to breastfeed my baby. I had 2 MC previously and my pregnancy/ birth was not an easy one, I needed time to bond with my baby but what could I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now. My BIL and SIL are trying for a family of their own.. perhaps I will return the favour.
We stayed at my MIL for about 6 weeks after the baby was born until I broke down and confided in my OH that I couldn't live there a second longer. My MIL used to try and take the baby at every chance, she barged into my bedroom because she wanted to see her and lifted her out of her moses basket without my permission. I was furious. My MIL did was she does best and cried to OH when we said we were moving into my dads for a while.
Now me and OH have our own place and I have settled into motherhood well. Don't get me wrong I miss my sleep but what parent doesn't? Now my MIL tries making demands to see the baby and babysit her. To be honest she didn't exactly do a bang up job with her own kids.. she let them get away with murder even she will admit this.. I dont want her to babysit my daughter because she aggravates me she acts really OTT whenever she sees the baby she never comes to visit me or OH only the baby. I have allowed her to babysit a handful of times (my daughter is under one)my OH forced me and I can never wait to get her back from my MIL whereas I feel much more relaxed if my friend, cousin or dad babysits. I could also swear that when I am not around and she has the baby she pretends that my baby is hers and that really gets to me.
Last christmas we spent it with OHs family at my BILs house which as I mentioned is not local so this christmas I advised I would be spending it with my dad. (my mum died a few year ago so he only has my brother and uncle. me and my OH are very close to my dad) we had arranged to spend boxing day with my MIL on Christmas day morning my MIL called me and demanded to see my baby on christmas day and said she had to be awake. I wasn't going until my dads house until 2 and we had already made it clear that we were having some private time in the morning. she messaged me all day even while I was trying to eat christmas dinner asking me what time I would be home.. she messaged me so much my phone died. I was furious when I got there and in ended in a huge argument between me and my OH on christmas day night.
I forgot to mention my BIL and his bitch came to my MILs this christmas and for some reason whenever they come its all about them and we are expected to roll out the red carpet for them. I dont know why but every time they come my MIL takes a thousand photos of my BIL and SIL (mainly SIL) with our baby but she never takes any photos of me and my OH with our daughter. infact it kind of annoys me and my MIL, BIL and SIL all have to constantly shove a camera in my kids face. nobody else does that not even me and OH.
Boxing day came and I decided I wasn't spending anymore time then I had to at my MILs so we went round about 6pm. my daughter was asleep on the sofa next to me and had been asleep since we first arrived. My MIL kept deliberately raising her voice until she woke her up she made her cry and then thought I was going to hand her over to she could play the doting nanny infront of her other guests...yeah I dont think so love. Instead I held and soothed my baby back to sleep my MIL glared at me the whole time.
I also had to cap my daughters presents and I knew if given the chance my MIL would of completely out done us. I should be able to trust her to respect me as a mum she would of hated if if anyone had done that to her.
Also when I go to get my baby back off of her she ignores me or looks away other times she wont even pass the baby to me and will go out of her way (even walk past me) to pass the baby back to OH I just feel like punching her in the face when she does this.
I dread seeing them but unfortunately none of them are going anywhere anytime soon and if these feelings or situation does not resolve important events in my daughters life will be unhappy ones. I just wish they would back off and stop being so OTT I am afraid if something doesn't change I will need to cut ties with them for my own peace. she needs to remember shes had her kids and her chance this is my time now.
Also I deliberately let my dad choose my daughters christmas outfit.. I am pretty ashamed to admit that I did it out of spite but at the same time I didnt want her wearing for christmas the outfit she chose. I wanted her to see that she isnt getting things her way.
anyone else feel like this?
YABU to refer to your SIL as 'his bitch' regardless of everything else
She sounds bonkers.
BUT what does your OH say about it all? You need to get him to stand up to her otherwise she will think it is all you.
You don't just have a MIL problem- you also have an OH problem if he doesn't stand up for you. Was in a very similar situation this year (but escalated more) and now we (including DP) are no contact with his family.
I dont feel bad for calling her that this page is for venting so I wont apologise I believe she is a bitch.
he tries to stay neutral but feels sorry for MIL as soon as she starts the waterworks which is all the time shes an emotional woman. Which is another reason I dont want her to babysit. Yeah I know she raised 2 of her own but that was when she was younger.. She gets upset over everything now.
Your mil sounds over the top. But to be honest yiu don't sound pleasant either.
You knew it wouldn't go well living at their but did anyway to save some money. Seems like it's OK when you want something.
Calling your sil 'his bitch' is horrendous . You all actually sound like you are all as bad as each other and constant point scoring
Your baby is not a possession or a weapon.
You call your sil a bitch and moan at how awful everyone is but tbh you don't sound so great yourself.
Stop point scoring and being petty and try looking at your own behaviour and what affects that has had on the relationship.
If I was your SIL I would feel very awkward having YOUR baby thrust into MY arms for photos with you there also looking awkward i would say something if I was your sil, how odd.
Anyway your DH needs to say " mum, your behaviour has been OTT over xmas, its too much, you need to calm down and back off otherwise there will be problems" and go from there.
People always say 'your dh is the problem'
However there is a good chance the dh thinks the ops behaviour is just as bad as everyone else's, which is why he isn't putting his foot down with his mother.
I say it wasn't my house (or really my home) - They did end up staying and those first precious nights I should of been cuddling up with my baby on the sofa and kissing her tiny face my future SIL took over and I had to watch her do all of that as if my daughter was HER BABY! I hate my SIL now
Dreadful behaviour op, how utterly in sensitive.
you would think the SIL feels awkward but she really doesn't baring in mind she doesn't know me or my OH very well at all. oh and fyi it wasn't my choice to live there at all it was my OH and she had 2 spare rooms so no it wasn't that I wanted anything. What I didn't expect her to do was go on a six month sick leave the second I got back with the baby. so yeah if I dont sound like a nice person why bother wasting your time commenting? perhaps you wouldn't be so nice if you had constantly had your baby ripped away from you?
Your mil sounds like a nightmare but so do you. At least 50% of your post about what you said/did is petty, spiteful shit. You are using your child to point score and that is not the actions of a good parent. Grow up.
do you think scooby, wow do you think her in laws behaviour was appropriate at the time when she had given birth, is this what you would do then if a close relative just had a baby>
I guess you would commandeer the baby and take over? Wow, its just something I would never ever do, but then I understand that a brand new mother who has also had a very rocky road to motherhood is going to feel very protective over the baby, the first few days are crucial to bonding, a few cuddles etc are fine but totally taking over shows a lack of all sorts of things to me.
To clarify she was not actually SICK she caused a huge fall out with someone at work and basically caused so much trouble she made it impossible to go to work. funny how that all happened within days of me giving birth.
Plus why did you let it happen? You could have gone to your room to feed/nap with baby.
You are making out that they were just taking her whilst you let them... Where were you in all this?!
okay did I did I not say I am ashamed to say what I did was out of spite?? if your only going to comment to be bitchy then dont bother I posted for advice on how to make it better I dont need to hear about how the situations been made worse by both parties because I am already well aware.. I dont believe I have done everything right for a second but I have also never tried taking someones baby off of them.
cool I couldn't disagree more with your post and I also feel its written in an unpleasant way thats not supportive or helpful, it is possible to pose different views on subjects but in a helpful way. We all benefit from seeing situations from all angles but your post sounds most un pleasant.
People who are aware of others needs, of themselves do not in my opinion go grabbing other peoples new born's and taking over. It shows a massive lack of awareness and I am not surprised at all op feels put out by this because you can never get those hours back.
Op you need to draw lines in sand - its un acceptable behaviour and you need to tell dh this and you don't and shouldn't need to put up with anymore.
what I will say is - so far you have helped to enable with by being passive and allowing it. Stop being OK with it - or pretending too and get some boundaries up. Hold your ground, stop being reasonable.
You don't sound very nice yourself, OP. Try being a bit kinder and less petty. Outdoing each other? Over presents for a baby who won't even know it's Christmas? Give me a break .
zevite Really? I said that mil sounds over the top.
However, I also think the ops actions are escalating things and is, in part, making the situation worse. I never said what they did was ok. But I can imagine the ohs version may different.
Op you posted on a public forum. You don't get to tell people they can't post. Why post if yiu are going to get shitty with people having an opinion?
Perhaps you need to look at your part in what's been going on.
I have been in the OPs situation many years ago and it contributed to my relationship breakdown as OH wouldn't stand up to his mother and I needed some space to breathe (and live!).
While the OPs language might seem inflammatory it is clear that she is at the end of her tether so cut her some slack. She says herself she just wants to vent - I'm sure we've all done that.
OP I think you need to sit down with OH and explain how much all of this is getting to you. Is it possible to put some plans in place for specific times for visits each week/month. Which would mean that while her behaviour might not change for those visits, you would know you only had to put up with it for a specific amount of time.
The phone situation is much easier - ignore all calls or texts unless you want to speak to her/SIL. The phone is for your convenience not theirs. Just because someone rings you doesn't mean you have to respond.
Incidentally, once I'd split with my OH my exMIL got to see my DC twice a week and that had to be enough. She didn't contact me in between those times so it was like I had finally come up for air.
It sounds like you've got it to a point where too much has gone on and she'll never be able to do right.
Perhaps it's time to move far away and start a new life.
Agree with others you all sound like mean spirited, jealous, unhappy people! A baby shouldn't be used as a status symbol or a weapon.
Who gives a fuck if your MIL bought DD 'her first Christmas outfit' (how precious!) or if she buys her more presents than you.
Your daughter is a baby and will not know or understand where presents have come from but she most definitely WILL pick up on all the tension and lack of love and respect within her family. Why don't you think about that first and foremost?
"His bitch" made me wince. I somehow don't think your MiL/SiL/BiL can be completely oblivious to your feelings about them.
But you've moved out now. You can take control of this situation. For a start, if someone is sending you unwelcome text messages all through Christmas day, either block their number or switch your phone off.
I did go to the bedroom I said my MIL barged into my bedroom and took my sleeping baby from her moses basket. if you're not going to read properly and still pick fault dont write to me I have no interest in what you have to say. I would prefer to read something constructive if you are not capable of that then thats fine but Im looking to make a situation better not worse.
People cannot take your baby from you.
I did give you advice I told you to look at your own behaviour and your attitude as it happens
You cannot control others actions but you can control your reaction to their behaviour.
Mil sounds like an enthusiastic granny and it sounds like you hate the sil regardless.
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