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To feel really uncomfortable about DP having private message conversations with Terry Pratchett fans?

(39 Posts)
shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 08:42:29

He goes on all the Facebook forums and is currently really into this online 'who knows the most about Terry Pratchett timed quiz thing. I lolled at one of the members names and then he started saying 'she' this and 'she' that and it transpires that they have been private messaging. He showed me the thread and it was innocent enough with, talking about putting her baby to bed before she plays against him again. He got massively defensive and even raised his voice at me which he never does. He said I've ruined it for him - he didn't like me pointing out that private messaging some women is different to being in an open forum.

Bottom line is it makes me uncomfortable and so did his reaction. We almost split up last year as he had a very inappropriate, sexual messenger conversation with an Ex - I was 5 months preg which didn't help.

He's away allot and I live in fear of online infidelity.

AIBU to be pissued off with him chatting in this way to another woman?

Cheby Fri 30-Dec-16 08:45:01

YANBU. He has form and his reaction is worrying.

MetalMidget Fri 30-Dec-16 08:45:40

I was going to say you were being unreasonable, until I read the bit about him having prior form. He's being massively unreasonable if he can't see why you'd be upset, given his past behaviour.

LadyOfTheCanyon Fri 30-Dec-16 08:48:58

An ex of mine ended up having an affair with a woman he played FB Pool with. Unfortunately you just never know. It would make me uneasy tbh.

Fairylea Fri 30-Dec-16 08:49:03

Sounds like the early stages of an emotional affair waiting to tip over. I would not be happy.

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 08:52:20

I wish I was being unreasonable.

Emotional affair is what worries me. He started the thread with her complimenting her on their match.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Fri 30-Dec-16 08:53:20

You realise you have identified the woman as she will be known under that name?

I think if you would be happy for him to react the same way if you did it, it's fine. If you don't trust your DP due to previous experience then it doesn't sound like a very stable relationship anyway.

vj32 Fri 30-Dec-16 08:53:27

I think its unreasonable for most people, but if he has done it before, thats different.

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 08:53:37

How did thinks resolve LadyOfTheCanyon if you don't mind me asking?

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:01:19

It just makes me feel uncomfortable and I wish he could just stick to quizzes and open forums. I would never private message a man. I wish he hadn't told me. What should I do?

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:05:09

Im on here because I don't want to talk to any of my friends in real life about it/him and it's doing my head on thinking about it. I feel so down today.

Lunar1 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:08:35

You need to report your post and have her user name removed. I'd not be happy considering his previous form.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Fri 30-Dec-16 09:09:31

He showed you the conversation.

You have a choice either to trust him or not. If you don't trust him then you will be looking and wondering whether he is up to something.

It might be worth getting your OP amended if that is the nickname of the woman though

BadKnee Fri 30-Dec-16 09:10:05

Your relationship, your rules.

And his of course.

In the end if you don't like it that is that. You leave the relationship.

Or he changes and stops doing this.

Or he decides he does not want to live with someone who scrutinizes his messages and does not allow him to even message women he has never met.

My view is that YABU and it would be better if both of you were free to have conversations with whoever you chose. If you hope to be together for twenty or thirty years you will have to.

Love each other, be strong, show him you love the fact that he is such a TP enthusiast. No need for either of you to have an affair - but this is a message exchange about a quiz.

Also I believe that the term "emotional affair" is another one of those terms that once had meaning but now is hijacked to suit any purpose. Not saying that is what you have done - but a lot of people do.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Fri 30-Dec-16 09:10:43

Seriously living in fear of online infidelity isn't normal and it's no way for either of you to live

PizzaPlease Fri 30-Dec-16 09:14:48

I can't decide here. I think that you're justified given that he has form for it, and I would most likely feel how you feel. But there's that little part of me that's saying you need to trust him, that men and women can be friends, and that if he had been messaging with a guy you wouldn't mind at all. It sounds like you've never really got past the previous issue, which absolutely isn't your fault, but is maybe clouding your judgement here a little? You said you've seen the messages and there was nothing illicit? I'd be careful not to push him away with your worries here, and if you don't trust him then that's a completely different issue altogether! You haven't mentioned if he also exchanges messages with guys? It sounds like you would both benefit from spending a little extra time together. Maybe a date night or takeaway and a movie after the baby is in bed? You say he's away a lot, so when he isn't that time should be about your family and your relationship!

MissVictoria Fri 30-Dec-16 09:19:24

Honestly you are being unreasonable. You had a choice when you found out he'd been sexually messaging his ex to either split up, or fix things forgive him. If you choose to stay together then you accept that it was a mistake, forgive and move on, it's not fair to drag it up and throw it in his face again.
It is completely unreasonable to expect him to never make any female friends or have polite or friendly contact with females. You need to work on your own trust issues, and doing that by imposing strict rules on him will make him resent you and feel like you are holding over him. That has the potential to cause far more damage to your relationship than him having a friendly conversation with someone he's played an online quiz/game with.

whattodowiththepoo Fri 30-Dec-16 09:21:11

either you have forgiven him for the past and trust him or you don't.
If you don't trust him does he know and is he willing to work through this so you do trust him?

LadyOfTheCanyon Fri 30-Dec-16 09:24:19

OP he was spending more and more time on the computer playing Pool. To be fair he used to play with several people not all women but he'd stay up after I'd gone to bed turns out they were wanking off together He went away for a weekend which I had a major spidery sense wobble about and started going through emails/phone. Turns out they'd gone to a hotel together that weekend -and subsequent others-
We split up.
It's entirely possible that it is all above board because it IS possible to make friends on forums. I have done in the past and there been nothing untoward about it. However moving into PM just looks like it's asking for trouble if you ask me. I'd have a proper sit down chat where you lay out your concerns as calmly as possible. I would say that if nothing is going on any decent partner would be horrified that they were upsetting their loved one and rein it in.

elvis86 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:24:36

I thought YWBU until you explained about the previous (and very recent) incident. How was that resolved?

If you decided to stay together despite his previous behaviour, there will come a point where you have to let that go, as you can't punish him for it for the rest of your lives. However, at present it was only last year, so he's completely unreasonable to react as he did when you expressed that you were uncomfortable with him chatting to this new woman. He should have been concerned with reassuring you rather than throwing his toys out of the pram because you spoiled his geek fun. Diddums.

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:25:33

Thanks people. This is really helping. I've messaged mnhq about the woman's online name being removed. Stupid of me to pit it - it just sounded a tad ironic given the circumstances.

MissVictoria Fri 30-Dec-16 09:28:14

Plus i think you need to remember the person he had the previous unacceptable messaging with was an ex. He has at a previous time had a very intimate emotional (and assuming physical) relationship with her. If the relationship ended mutually, or she ended it, then he would naturally have some "what could have been" thoughts or fond memories that can make people make silly mistakes like the contact your partner had. It is possibly worse he did it whilst you were pregnant, but that probably added to the confusion he was feeling, and contributed to him doing it. Fears for the future, everything changing, not knowing if he's ready and how its a huge life changing thing to become a parent, something familiar that you're used to and know and feel safe with can be comforting. Of course it was wrong, but it was most likely a very specific set of circumstances that led to his previous infidelity. If he genuinely has no intentions of ever doing it again it will be really frustrating, upsetting and angering to him that you don't believe him or trust him and are imposing all these restrictions on who he can and cannot have contact with.

RedNoseRumble Fri 30-Dec-16 09:29:31

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think your dh is.

He sends inappropriate messages in the past and now he's private messaging a stranger on the internet and he's getting extremely defensive about it.

Surely he should be building the trust up again not carrying on as if the past didn't happen.

shiredweller76 Fri 30-Dec-16 09:31:23

However moving into PM just looks like it's asking for trouble...


So sorry to hear about your experience Lady. Hope life is better now for you x

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Fri 30-Dec-16 09:34:33

I don't think her name is ironic at all - she hasn't done anything wrong hmm

Is she an artist by any chance?

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