AIBU to think I'm losing all my friends and not sure if it's me?(39 Posts)
I posted initially in mental health but there doesn't seem to be much traffic and I don't even know if this is a mental health thing or just me and I'm feeling very confused and ridiculous.
On the face of it (and according to Facebook!)I have the perfect life, great job, lovely family, nice house, lots of friends, great social life. However, particularly over the Xmas break I've felt shit. I'm not sure if it's anxiety or just Xmas blues or a wake up call that I need to take a long hard look at myself? I have spent most of the break comparing myself to others, feeling down- fat and frumpy- but mainly shit about friends. We've hosted a Xmas party that went brilliantly and had friends for Xmas eve and Xmas day and attended a ball and large Xmas party. Howevever, other than one Xmas party all of our social activities have been organised by me- as I'm the one doing the inviting.
I'm feeling down and paranoid that we've had no invites back. There are two local New Year's Eve parties that most of our circle are invited to but we have been left out. One is expected, a neighbour who dislikes me intensely but I don't really know why. This has upset me a lot and made me question all of my other relationships. I've started noticing that other friends get dinner and drinks invites, their kids are invited for sleep overs etc when we aren't and feel that unless I do the inviting we wouldn't see anyone, although people are always happy to come.
I'm consumed by this worry and am starting to dread going back to work (a job I'm pretty good at) as I'm doubting myself so much and feel I'm going to fail at my job. I'm starting to worry the neighbour dislikes me as I'm a nasty person and that's why we also get less invites socially than others we know. I'm confused as to whether the issue is genuinely with me or I'm suffering from anxiety?
I'm exercising when I can which helps but eating my body weight in cheese which doesn't help. I'm dreading new year and watching the party we aren't invited to (can see the house from my window ) and the others play out on face book. I'm spending a lot of time pondering over social media and feeling shit about the things I've not been invited to. I know deleting FB is a start but doesn't change the underlying issues, I would still be aware of being left out of a number of things I'm sure I would previously have been asked to.
This is a ramble, I feel shit, can anyone help me make sense of what's going on and things I can do to improve my mental health? My husband although lovely thinks I'm being ridiculous. I'm not sure if I need to look at being nicer to people or to learn to stop being so hurt when we are left out of things or cultivate the true friendships we have? I currently feel jealous, needy and pathetic all of the time which I'm sure others are picking up on and therefore makes them less inclined to be my friend- a vicious circle.
Firstly come off social media. It's not real life.
If you have hosted a party and everyone you invited came then yes you are well liked, I don't know about you but I never went to a party hosted by someone I didn't like.
The fact is there will be people in life that you just don't get on with, so don't wast time worrying about it.
Just be yourself not a version you think others might like.
Focus on the good things in your life, get yourself a hobby. I know it may sound naff but being around people who have similar interests is a start of making some nice friends. I'd give you a hug if I could but flowers will have to do.
My kids call it FOMO - fear of missing out. Sounds like you've had far more going on than many. I wonder if people sometimes assume you are going to be too busy and lead too much of an exciting life to fit them in? May just be wrong place at wrong time when arrangements ar made. Lots of our circle have dogs and social events are organised on walks but we don't have a dog. We were missing out on a few invites simply because we weren't there when it was sorted -so we spoke to a couple of others who now make sure we are copied in to emails etc for any parties.
FOMO I like that! I think I'm concerned about how hurt I feel by being left out, I'm sure it's not normal to focus so much on it and let it invade the rest of my life, I've felt a miserable undercurrent all Xmas which I know is ridiculous.
Patricia- you are right about focusing on the good in my life. I have lots and need to do this.
Nothing to add really, just wanted to say I feel exactly the same. Be kind to yourself. I know how you feel x
I have this at the moment - but to be fair have had an actual argument with long time couple friends. Neither couple has apologised and it's made me question things.
Also a few niggly things that friends have said to me that have been unkind.
It's all made for me being quite pathetic, feeling sorry for myself and my (very blessed) life and like there's something profoundly missing.
I feel selfish, self centred and like people are now keeping their distance for those reasons.
Could it be extra time to ruminate over the hols? Also the pressure to have a 'good time' at Christmas? Another thing - extra booze, food, no routine.
I KNOW social media is fake but it's so hard not to get dragged in, even on a subconscious level and then end up partaking yourself in the false image.
Just a rant back at you really! But I understand and feel the same.
I do feel I've become a dick really and in the New Year plan to try and tackle that with positive steps. Helping people, trying to have more patience with the kids and make life nicer for my family.
Come on let's be a bit more cheerful tomorrow :-)
By either couple I mean us or them - not that we're sat waiting for them to apologise to us! Drunken political argument where both parties were in the wrong.
Olivia and School, I'm sorry you are feeling the same. I think it's a very common and modern problem? School- you have said so much more eloquently exactly how I am feeling, I was struggling to make sense of it all.
Can I add something?
When you have your parties and post on FB - do you think about those seeing your posts and feeling left out?
Do you know if anyone is feeling like that because of your social circle?
Just a peek from the outside in!!
I'm not criticizing- it's a thought given to my teens when they feel like this -
Could be anxiety.
You need to learn to be happy in yourself and by yourself. Friends come and go.
I didn't see any friends over Christmas at all (we all have young children and parents that were busy with)
Try staying at home with a glass of wine and a good book and enjoying it!
Astro that's a really good point, although I think I'm probably too much the other way, I tend to invite everyone and really worry about people feeling left out. I think most of my anxiety is stemming from the fact that we have been intentionally excluded from this one particular party. We live on a small street and everyone has been invited apart from us, we can clearly see the party house from our house, I'm actually dreading it. I've woke up feeling really shit, which I guess was the intention of the person excluding me.
go out on nye for a start! Book a night away in fact if you can afford to, do not give this horrible neighbour the pleasure of seeing your lights on / knowing you are looking from the outside in at their party.
You do sound anxious but like it's been triggered by a couple of things. Getting off social media is a start but I'm not judging as I am awful for comparing myself to others through it and the truth is, if I was really happy, I don't think I would feel the need to. So I know it's not that simple
I can relate too, but to solve the immediate problem, can you go out tonight? If you have young dc can you stay at your parents etc? Just go somewhere so you don't have to look at that house??
I think part of it is that you don't know the reason why she dislikes you and you are unnerved by that. Can someone find out casually? Just so you know. I know logically everybody can't like us but I'd like to know the rationale for someone being so mean to me.
I confessed to a friend that I hadn't really enjoyed Christmas and she was surprised because I'd posted a couple of nice things on fb. The thing is, I post nice things on fb to help me remember that nice things have happened... I don't do that with shitty moments because I'd prefer to forget them.
You sound like you've done some lovely things. Not everyone is a natural host, so don't sweat the lack of invitations. Also, a lot of people struggle at this time of year, and just go with the flow to get through it.
Your neighbour does sound mean spirited though. Either shut the curtains and have a lovely evening at home, or dress to the nines and sashay past their house on the way out to a nice dinner.
Well I'm not surprised you feel shit about being so obviously left out. What a nasty thing for the neighbour to do.
Instead of worrying about yourself and looking inward I'd be angry because unless you've specifically done something to upset her then that is undeserved.
With regards to your general problems we can never know what people really think of us because people are rarely so direct to our faces. And even if people don't like you that much it doesn't mean you're not a good person. I've known lovely people who've had difficulty making friends. They haven't been unkind but just had some quirk that people found irritating.
I think you need to be stoic about this or in the words of Elsa "let it go"! There is absolutely nothing you can do to affect what people think of you and to spend hours worrying about it is a waste of time.
So get one of those elastic bands and each time your mind starts worrying just snap it. There are worse things in life than not being liked. Have a great NYE with your DH.
Sorry you are feeling this way.
Agree with others saying concentrate on doing the things you enjoy and being yourself (easier said than done sometimes).
I do have to be honest and say it does sound like others have excluded you and there is probably a reason for this. Sorry if that deflates you further but sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves and realise we are part of the problem.
Are you critical of others? Are you judgemental? Do you gossip? Do you fail to join in conversations? Are you overly negative? Do you talk too much or talk about yourself too much (perhaps because you are actually social anxious?). Do you have the same parenting techniques and values as these people? Do your kids interact? Do you tell off other people's kids?
^These are all reasons why I would be less inclined to spend time with you over time. Of course none of us are perfect and we all have our moments of crap parenting, being bitchy or negative but if it becomes overwhelmingly our default position then it is a real drag for those around us.
Is there a friend who you trust and like who you could ask? If someone asked me in a genuine way to give them honest feedback I would.
I can relate to your post completely.
I have moved around the country, plus emigrated for 7 years then have come back to the UK. As a result I have lost a lot of friends and struggle to make new ones. I always feel that I don't quite fit in somehow.
I seem to have a lot of acquaintances but no true close friends.
One thing that was really upsetting me was Facebook. I would turn into a teenager fretting on why people liked other people's posts but not mine. There was a work event, photos of which were plastered all over facebook and I let it ruin my weekend as I hadn't been invited. To some, Facebook is one big competition. Who can be the most popular, happy, organised, well off, you name it. So I deleted Facebook and vowed I wasn't going to feed my obsessive insecurities by torturing myself going on there.
I would definately recommend it.
I would totally book a lovely break away on NYE and forget all about the miserable neighbour. How mean spirited of them not to invite you and leave you out like that. Perhaps they are jealous of you? Did you invite them to your Christmas parties?
Blimey-that is blatant.
Do you have any idea why your neighbour hates you so much?! I'd have to ask another neighbour what it was all about-have you had words?! Did you invite the neighbours that don't like you to your Xmas party?
I'm sure your friends enjoy your company.
Maybe it's just that you look busy and popular so people assume you always have plans and don't think you need to be invited.
Think quality not quantity. If you have a core of good friends does it matter if some friendships are quite superficial?
A minority of people are hangers on and secretly envious so of course the invitations are one-sided.
Aren't you forgetting your DH and children? Do they mind whether you're all out and about?
Neighbours can be weird, stupid grudges can be held forever without you even knowing what it's about - so don't try and figure out why.
June- I invited her via FB events (all invites went out like this) but she declined without comment.
Oh I could have wrote your post.
At least everyone came to your party. My best friend's couldn't make mine through illness and other plans yet were able to meet up with friends from afar.
I'm the one who is always there ....They don't need to make an effort with me -im the second best friend.
When did things change...Probably when I put weight on
Sorry I'm not much help, I'm still trying to work out my own situation but I just wanted to say you are not alone and you sound very much like me in the sense that I couldn't bear someone to feel left out so I include all and sundry too.
Maybe we give too much of ourselves
Please please PLEASE delete your Facebook for a few weeks, its actually really affecting your MH
just deregister your profile and see how you get on, promise me OP?!
I then advise to slow down and stop the frenetic socialising
all that really matters is your MH, and your family. All this socialising and focus and friends is making you go crazy.
I have a school friend Mum, I used to wonder why she always went on about socialising, friend, nights out etc. I now realise she is actually quiet insecure but it actually made me want to avoid her
You have a DH and a family, so you are NOT alone. focus on them, and work and please just give yourself a mental break from the fucking friendships for a while, please!
POS DELETE YOUR FACEBOOK and I guarantee you will feel better after month off
and practice gratitude, and focus on what you DO have and stop thinking other people have a better life. they do not
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.