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AIBU?

To be concerned about these sleeping arrangements?

342 replies

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:13

DS 8 and DD 11. Contact order in place for the next four days to be at exh house. Exh is working so he has his brother staying over to look after the DC. DC have met uncle on a handful of occasions.

It's a two bedroom house. DC each have their own rooms and exh sleeps on the sofa in a sleeping bag permanently . Therefore, with uncle staying, both of the adults will be sleeping in the lounge. The bathroom is accessed by walking through the lounge.

DD says she is not happy to be spending all weekend with a stranger. She hates contact at the best of times but I'm really concerned about the actual arrangements in place. It's a stupid time of year to be able to even do anything about it. Any advice on legalities?

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MsMarvel · 29/12/2016 21:16

Its not ideal no, but I'm not sure what is concerning about the sleeping arrangements? Will exh be away the whole time or will it just be between shifts?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 29/12/2016 21:17

Seriously, what is concerning here. The fact that if they need to go to the toilet in the night, they have to walk through the living room where their dad and uncle are in sleeping bags?

Sounds like you want an excuse for contact not to happen.

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2016 21:18

What exactly is it you are worried about?

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 21:18

The legality would be that dad can be trusted to safeguard his own kids.

BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 21:18

It's her Uncle. Not a stranger. They have their own rooms. He can't magic up a four bedroomed house if he can't afford it. I think your daughter is being incredibly rude saying she doesn't want to spend the weekend with her Uncle. How would you feel if she spoke about your family like that?

MrGrumpy01 · 29/12/2016 21:20

Sleeping on a sofabed in the lounge is often talked about on mn as a means to give every child their own room so that isn't really a major issue .

Is the fact that the uncle is looking after them more the issue?

MsMarvel · 29/12/2016 21:22

Also, exh's childcare arrangements aren't really any of your business, he has to work (as many people do) and has organised appropriate childcare.

unless op now drip feeds that uncle has been to jail and takes heroin in his spare time

Jengnr · 29/12/2016 21:24

Someone you have met on a handful of occasions in 11 years, uncle or not, is a stranger. She doesn't want to be left with a stranger.

The sleeping arrangements aren't the problem imo as Dad will be there.

AliceInUnderpants · 29/12/2016 21:25

Legalities of what?

If I were dad, I'd have a room, the kids would share a room when they visit, and uncle (not stranger) would be on the couch. He would be welcome to use their room when they weren't staying.

Redglitter · 29/12/2016 21:25

What legalities are you concerned about

scottishdiem · 29/12/2016 21:25

There is an inconsistency on MN about what children feel and how much that should be respected. Sometimes it seems the should be ignored completely.

DD is 11 and will be going through puberty and will not want to wondering around a house looking for bathroom with a man she barely knows -regardless of his familial status. Do we care about that or not?

Would the kids be happy to sleep in the same room and give uncle the other room as a solution? Legalities don't come into though so you will need to discuss with kids and Ex to see if there is a solution. You cant bar contact on this alone.

JellyWitch · 29/12/2016 21:26

They have their own rooms. I can't see what the issue is!

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 21:27

If he is allowed to have overnight contact with the kids then what he does with that time and who he has in the house is his business. Unless it is actually putting their safety in danger you just have to let him get on with it. What do you think will happen?

SarcasmMode · 29/12/2016 21:29

It's the DD who isn't happy. I understand why - I'd not want to have a man in the house when I'm roaming around in my PJs.

If she's only met him a handful of times then although he is her uncle, he is just a man to her too. Just because he's her uncle doesn't mean she instantly feels comfortable with him nor should it.

Not sure what you can do about it though, OP.

MaverickSnoopy · 29/12/2016 21:29

Agree with above, but DD says she is not happy about spending all weekend with a stranger. That sounds like a young girl confiding in her mother, being open and honest about how she feels, it doesn't mean it's bratty. I would encourage my daughters to tell me how they feel.

However, I would also be trying to understand why she feels the way she feels. Will her father be around at all or will the uncle be providing most of the childcare?

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:30

I've no intention of stopping contact, despite DD being very upset that she has to spend the rest of her holidays away from her toys and friends. I'm concerned about her level of distress at spending the weekend with someone she has described as a stranger and her concerns about a girl in puberty having any privacy.

For the sake of argument, there is no sofabed. It's the sofa/floor. Not ideal but it's more the access to the bathroom that I am concerned about. Her dad is one thing but someone she is calling a stranger?

My family have gone made that I am allowing contact in these circumstances.

OP posts:

talksensetome · 29/12/2016 21:30

I also don't really see the problem with the sleeping arrangements?

BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 21:31

So Jengr if you had a relative that lived far away (or something) and didn't see your kids very often but was making an effort to spend time with them you'd be happy with them saying they didn't want to because he was a 'stranger'. I wouldn't, I'd think it was incredibly rude. My in laws are overseas and don't see my kids often, but they are still family and appropriate safe childcare. I'd be very, very upset if they were dismissed as strangers by my kids. And I think the ex would have every right to be incredibly upset if his family are treated like this.

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:32

Exh is working long shifts on 3 of the days and 7 hours on Sunday.

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BillSykesDog · 29/12/2016 21:36

He's not IN the bathroom. She has her own room and a private bathroom. That's plenty of privacy and they've gone to some trouble to give it to her. How come your family can apparently give their opinions on his childcare arrangements but his aren't good enough to look after his children for a few hours?

SarcasmMode · 29/12/2016 21:36

Is the ex going to be there during the night?

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 21:37

Unless I have misunderstood she will have her own bedroom? So it's just a walk to the bathroom through the lounge where the dad and uncle will be sleeping? I'm not sure what's wrong about that. I'm sure they won't be wandering about naked and your dd has the privacy of her own room.

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ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:37

They haven't been dismissed as strangers, that's what they are. It's not being said to be hurtful, it's how the children are describing them because they have met them 3 times in the last four years. They don't make effort to spend time with the children any other time, just to look after them this weekend.

OP posts:

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 29/12/2016 21:39

Do your family not understand that you can't dictate his childcare arrangements during contact?

ilovemilton · 29/12/2016 21:40

My family are listening to the distress of my 11yo DD.

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