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AIBU?

My whole family is a mess.

27 replies

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 19:36

God I don't even know where to start.

I found out today for definite that my brother is smoking crack, I've had an idea that he was on something but I didn't know what but I found all the paraphernalia today.
Obviously I need to help him but where do I start? He has no place of his own and is very down that's why he has started smoking, I'm a lone parent with two dcs and my mum is living with me as she is homeless, so I can't really offer him a place to stay to at least try and sort himself out.

I feel the way he can get help is to move in with my mum but both of them with no job and no deposit it's going to be hard, my mum got evicted for rent arrears so will not get any help from the council.

I really need some help and advice please.

OP posts:

Report

ChasedByBees · 29/12/2016 19:41

How old is he? Whilst you might feel you'd like to help him, he probably needs to help himself. If he wants to do this, he will. Where is he living now? Moving in with your mother might exacerbate her problems, she sounds quite vulnerable herself and he could well push her under.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 29/12/2016 19:43

I'm a lone parent with two dcs and my mum is living with me as she is homeless, so I can't really offer him a place to stay to at least try and sort himself out.

Even if the space suddenly became available, I would seriously advise against accommodating a crack user in the same place as children.

Where is he living currently? Why do you think him living with your mum would help?

statetrooperstacey · 29/12/2016 19:45

Has he actually said he wants your help? You might be on a hiding to nothing if you have just decided he needs your help. Have you posted about this situation before?

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 19:45

I would under no circumstances, have him living with you when there are children in the house.

You can point him in the direction of refuges, drug services and support him with it, but he has to want to change for himself.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 29/12/2016 19:45

I would under no circumstances, have him living with you when there are children in the house.

You can point him in the direction of refuges, drug services and support him with it, but he has to want to change for himself.

RedMapleLeaf · 29/12/2016 19:47

What support do you have?

I would think very, very carefully about what your role should and shouldn't be with both of these loved ones.

You cannot solve their problems for them. Remember that they are adults who have made their own decisions.

GarrulousGrimoire · 29/12/2016 19:48

You can't fix this for him, you I assume have helped your mum and now have another adult relying on you?

It's upsetting but people choose their path and it's not your job to be their rescuer. I've learnt this the hard way.

RedMapleLeaf · 29/12/2016 19:49

Also, this, My whole family is a mess is a sweeping statement and unlikely to be true.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 29/12/2016 19:53

I'd phone the police. I genuinely feel like given how much else you are dealing with there is nothing you can do for him.

If he gets arrested for possession, he will get taken in and forced into therapy and a possible sentence. It will get him clean and it is one less thing for you to worry about as the authorities can deal with him.

I don't think it's a popular opinion- but I think that it's very feasible.

haveacupoftea · 29/12/2016 19:56

Your GP or SS can advise on local support services for homelessness and drug use. Get them involved because you cant sort out all these problems on your own.

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 20:00

redmaple other than my dcs, they are my only family and they are both a mess.

I do understand what everyone is saying about him wanting to help himself but I just don't feel he has it in him, I briefly spoke to him today and he feels as though he has nothing good going for him and nobody is there for him, that's why I feel moving in with my mum would benefit him and also help my mum at the same time.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 29/12/2016 20:04

Under no circumstances should you invite your db to live with you and your dc.

I think in the first instance, starting by researching drug support agencies in the local area. Who is your db living with now?

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 20:05

He's currently staying with our aunt but she's into drugs herself so that's not going to help him.

OP posts:

KitKat1985 · 29/12/2016 20:14

Does he want help? Because if he isn't ready to change there's nothing you can do to help him. Can you encourage him to see his GP? They can make a confidential referral for him to get help.

I agree with PP though - please do not bring a crack addict into your home, especially if kids are there. Also please don't give him money unless you know for certain what it's going on.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 29/12/2016 20:16

I don't think it's a popular opinion- but I think that it's very feasible

I don't think it's feasible. Firstly, how are they police going to catch him whilst he actually has it- it doesn't last long so users aren't in possession for very long. Secondly, what makes you think the police will force him into therapy? Thirdly, what makes you think being forced into therapy works?

My advice would be for you to phone the local drug and alcohol support service and see what advice they give you. You could help him in a practical way by assisting him to make a GP appointment, an appointment with the drug and alcohol service, an appointment with cab, and an appointment with the local housing office. You could give him reminders for these appointments and prompt him to go.

However, you can't really do any of this stuff for him, and I agree that it's a bad idea to move him in with you and your children.

KitKat1985 · 29/12/2016 20:23

"If he gets arrested for possession, he will get taken in and forced into therapy and a possible sentence. It will get him clean and it is one less thing for you to worry about as the authorities can deal with him".

Apart from:

It seems unlikely the police will catch him at the exact moment he has drugs on him.
Even if they did, there's no point forcing therapy on someone. If they aren't interested they will just get straight back on drugs as soon as the therapy is over.
He's unlikely to get a custodial sentence for possession unless he's a repeat offender.
Even if he did go to prison there's hardly any resources anymore for the prison service to manage the scale of the drug and alcohol issues within the prison population.
The scale of the drug problem in prisons is huge, so not the best place to go to get clean.

KitKat1985 · 29/12/2016 20:23

X -post with Knitted.

holidaysaregreat · 29/12/2016 20:23

Agree with others that you need to keep him away from your DC. Your Mum will be better off with you than with him.
He needs to find a place in a shared house or something. Hopefully there will be hostels around for people who need help sorting themselves out.
If you are single with 2 DC and also helping your Mum out, then you need to look after yourself too.
This makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have parents who don't ask me for any help & who help me out occasionally with things.
Try not to feel guilty

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 20:24

I wouldn't move him in with my dcs that's just a risk I'm not willing to take.

He isn't registered with any gps so tomorrow that alongside trying to find him some help with the addiction is my first step, I just need to help his housing situation which is one of the main factors that has brought him down.

OP posts:

YeOldMa · 29/12/2016 20:32

I agree with the posters who suggest you get in touch with the local drug and alcohol support service, also get him to his GP. There is also a group for support for the families of addicts, ADFAM, tel:020 3817 941 who may be able to tell you where to go.
Crack Addicts can find it difficult to break the cycle and that means they are not good housemates especially with children around. I have lost my brother to drugs because they take such a hold and there is such a reluctance to admit there is a problem. However much you want to help him, he needs professional support which will take up a lot of your energy getting it for him but that really is the best thing you can do to help him. Drugs make the nicest people liars and thieves, their empathy goes out of the window and they will hurt you without a backward glance because their only focus is their fix. You have to be really tough, terribly cynical about their tales and just keep trying to get them into rehab as many times as they need. Good luck

gillybeanz · 29/12/2016 20:32

he will gain a bed at the local shelter for homeless, but they have to be clean and not seen begging or they lose their place.
No drugs or alcohol allowed, but a place to go when wanting to sort yourself out.
Good luck to him, he's going to have to want to do it for himself, I'm afraid.
You sound so caring, but this isn't your battle OP

Redcliff · 29/12/2016 20:40

You poor thing. That sounds very stressful and it's lovely that you want to try and help. I would not phone the police as that could result in a fine he can't pay and drugs are rife in prison so not a path for getting clean. Could you go to his GP with him for support ? You could ring FRANK for advice and try Shelters free advice line for help re his housing situation. Good luck

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 20:43

gilly you've just made me cry, I am the strongest member of the family always sorting out everything for everyone without getting a lot back.

Now I know I will be the only one able to help him when needed.

OP posts:

Tryintofixtheworld · 29/12/2016 20:48

I'm not going to call the police on him that would just make the whole situation worse it would literally end him.

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 29/12/2016 21:13

I'm sorry OP, I didn't mean/ shouldn't have been so blunt.
Others suggested speaking to drug rehabilitation services, I too should have advised this.
I'm so sorry to have upset you, I hope you find some help for him.
You are truly caring and I can see why you want to help your brother, please look out for yourself in there too.

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