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AIBU?

to not let DD get a cat?

25 replies

lookers · 29/12/2016 18:49

Bit of a backstory:

I have 2 DDs, now 18 and 21. When they were 5 and 8, their dad passed away and we rescued 2 cats. They had 1 each. Sadly one passed away a good 5 years ago now and I let DD1 get another, so they both had a cat (due to their dad passing, it has brought a lot of comfort). DD2's cat got PTS this morning and she has asked if we could look at cats. DD1 was 15 or so when I got her a second cat, DD2 is 18 and although isn't going to uni, now works, etc. I have said that they are just too expensive (we did have insurance but still expensive) and I said that our financial situation is slightly different. I have told her that she can get one, but she has to cover the cost of it... She could afford to do this. She says that I should stop paying for her sister's cat and only pay half and then pay half for a new cat for her and so they both cover half. The thing is, I do think this would be unreasonable to DD2, as she was never aware of this agreement and wouldn't it be harsh to just put that on her now? I don't really know if I'm being U or not?

OP posts:

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QuandryQueen · 29/12/2016 18:50

She's an adult. You get a cat as a pet for your child then you fund it. Once they're an adult they can fund their own pets. She's 18. Maybe agree that once dd2 is 18 you will cease to fund her pet?

lookers · 29/12/2016 18:53

DD2 is the one that wants the pet, she is 18. DD1 is 21 and has the cat I got her when 15.

OP posts:

lookers · 29/12/2016 18:54

I did agree to DD1 I'd get her another cat (I said this when she was 13 and was getting her sister another one) but have been trying to explain finance is different now.

OP posts:

lookers · 29/12/2016 18:54

I did agree to DD2 I'd get her another cat (I said this when she was 13 and was getting her sister another one) but have been trying to explain finance is different now.

OP posts:

krustykittens · 29/12/2016 18:56

If she can afford to cover the cost of the cat and she wants one, this is what she should do. Money is tight, that is the reality, she is now 18 so if she wants something and she can afford it, she needs to pay for it. If she prefers to spend her own money on other things, than tough - no cat.

Soubriquet · 29/12/2016 18:57

I think you should half the cost and split it between the two, like your dd suggested

Give it a few years, they will have probably moved out and taken the cats with them anyway so it's not really an extra cost is it and teaches them to know the true cost of pet ownership

RainbowJack · 29/12/2016 19:02

Will you stop funding DD2s cat when she turns 18?

HarleyQuinzel · 29/12/2016 19:03

I think your dds suggestion was quite sensible. It's really not much money is it and I'm sure she'll understand.

If your 21 year old had moved out by now she would have to pay the full thing anyway.

pandaporter · 29/12/2016 19:03

What I can tell from the OP, DD2 is 18? She is the one who wants the new cat? DD1 is 21 and got a cat when she was 15.

I'd split half, I think that was a good suggestion from your DD!

QuandryQueen · 29/12/2016 19:05

Oh sorry! I thought the elder was 18 and younger 15.

Yeah just tell them the situation has changed and the girls can fund their own pets from Jan.

Ilovecaindingle · 29/12/2016 19:06

Buy a cat if you want one - when they move out they will likely leave the cat with you anyway!!
Charge them to stroke it to get your money back!!

Soubriquet · 29/12/2016 19:08

Why would they leave it behind?

I took my dog when I moved out.

JustanotherMortificado · 29/12/2016 19:10

Once the cat is spahed, had jabs etc then the only expense is food... which is pennies really..my cats food is 4.50 and lasts 2 weeks with a £3 box of pouches in between.

MollyHuaCha · 29/12/2016 19:14

Sorry u and DDs have had to cope with devastating loss of DD's dad. I'm a bit of a softie and if I cd afford it, I wd fund the cats indefinitely in yr situation. If money was tight, I might explain all the cat care costs to working DD and ask her to take on one part of them - maybe the food.

pandaporter · 29/12/2016 19:15

I think the OP is worried about the insurance money? It's not that bad! Unless they need major surgery and it doesn't cover it. I had a cat who needed a head CT, etc. and I had to pay quite a bit as everything came over £5000 it depends what one you go for.

echt · 29/12/2016 19:50

Have you though of setting up savings account instead of insurance? I do this.

Your daughter is BVVU. Money is tighter now, and things have changed. She is 21 and needs to understand this. Retrospectively adjusting her sister's arrangements is rather petty. Of her, not you.

Madshiplollipop · 29/12/2016 19:54

How about a regular donation to Cats Protection from whatever her funds are. Hopefully, at some point, a cat will be a realistic option. Until then, there's a lot of good less money can do.

meddie · 29/12/2016 20:15

What will happen to the cat if she moves out. A lot of rental properties wont take pets, it means she will limit where she will be able to live or you will be left to care for her cat.

melj1213 · 29/12/2016 20:32

I can see your daughter's point - if her old cat hadn;t been PTS then you'd still be paying for it, so why not get a new one since the payments would be the same as your current outlay and wouldn't be more expensive.

If your argument for getting a new one is "I can't afford two cats but since your sister got her second cat years ago I'll continue to pay 100% for hers but not at all for your second one if you get it now" then her compromise of her and her sister now contributing half of the payments for each of their cats (and therefore you will only be paying the equivalent of what you are already paying) sounds perfectly reasonable, and means that both of your daughters would get equal treatment within your available means.

As for DD1, she's 21 now and therefore should be able to understand the idea that if the cat is truly her cat (and not just a family pet that she chose) then she needs to start contributing to hr pet's upkeep and the compromise of paying half the expenses is a very reasonable thing to ask her to do. When I moved out of my parents house I took one of the cats with me (mainly because I live alone and my parents wanted me to have some company) I have since got another cat - my parents still contribute to my 1st cat's annual check ups because she was a family cat that they suggested I take with me for company, so if I didn't have her then they'd be paying all of her expenses, but I pay 100% of my 2nd cat's expenses as it was my choice to get another cat and she has only ever been mine, never a family pet and therefore is my responsibility.

TheCatsMother99 · 29/12/2016 23:03

Whilst I get your older daughter's point of view, I think she should pay for the cat herself as she would be getting the cat as an adult with her own means of paying for it.

I don't think it's fair to agree to pay for your younger daughter's cat which she got when she was 15 and then tell her to pay for it now. That wasn't the agreement at the time.

SapphireBird · 29/12/2016 23:09

A new cat might not get on with the old cat - worth remembering.

I would be tempted to see where dd sees herself - a pet could be very limiting over the next few years. I was glad to have the years of freedom before getting another pet.

I understand why she feels this way, but they are adults/ as good as adults now and I think they should be able to see why the situation has changed.

Maybe offer to buy her a cat from cats protection in the future when she is buying the cat for her own house?

sj257 · 29/12/2016 23:18

Could she pay the initial costs then you pay for food etc? Insurance isn't much I pay £15 a month for 3 cats....bet she is missing her cat (I am a pushover when it comes to cats....)

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Trifleorbust · 29/12/2016 23:18

I don't think pets should be bought as gifts for minors. They should belong to the householder and then this stuff doesn't come up. Anyway, your DDs are both now old enough to pay for any pets they want to acquire.

sizeofalentil · 30/12/2016 00:46

Could you long term foster a cat instead? The charity pays for food, litter, vet bills etc then.

twattymctwatterson · 30/12/2016 04:38

It really frustrates me when people fail to read the OP's posts properly. The cat who died belonged to the younger daughter. OP pays for older daughter's cat. OP you feel it's unfair to go back on your word to your DD1 yet you admit you promised DD2 she could have another cat when she was younger so why is it ok to go back on your word to her? If you can no longer pay for two cats then get your adult children to fun their own pets. Failing that DD2's suggestion is fairer than paying 100% for one and 0 for the other

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