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To tell fil that I hate casual personal contact.

(45 Posts)
Rabidu Thu 29-Dec-16 10:51:57

So back story, been with my Dh for 10 years, never really got past the polite conversation with the il's. They are perfectly nice people, I just find them incredibly dull and irritating. They tend to ignore me why I try to make conversation so I feel the feeling is mutual.
So when we visit I tend to do most of the 'behind the scenes stuff' putting kids down for naps, sorting rooms out etc so they can enjoy their ds and dgc.
My issue is that fil is a bit lurky, you'l b making tea an he'l be stood very close behind me, an this morning as I'm making the children's breakfast he walks in puts his arm around me an kisses my cheek.- not in a 'making a pass way ', just being nice. I hate unnecessary personal contact an tensed up the minute he did it. This isn't a new thing, I thing they are just being more annoying than usual so the thought of them touching me is even worse!
They always do hugs and kisses when meeting and leaving and it makes my skin crawl.
My question is, is it too late to casually say please don't touch me? Or aibu?

Apologies for poor grammar, I'm typing this while pretending to pack!

originalmavis Thu 29-Dec-16 10:55:33

Are they a touchy feely lot? I'm quite a buggy type - no idea where that came from as our family were definitely not the touchy type. Obviously I don't hug people who I don't know all that well or I know will flinch!

He is probably just trying to be nice but not knowing what to say. 'hands off' sounds a bit unfriendly though. Maybe a sore back might appear so a hug is out if the question?

FilthyKeyboard Thu 29-Dec-16 10:55:40


originalmavis Thu 29-Dec-16 10:57:54

Plus if you did say that file might feel that you were thinking he was trying to grope you or make a pass. Now that would be horrible.

Hang back at the hellos, cheery 'hi!' and a wave, or have your hands full.

originalmavis Thu 29-Dec-16 10:58:28

Fil not file. Daft autocorrect.

SapphireSeptember Thu 29-Dec-16 11:00:51

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I've told customers not to touch me, I hate total strangers touching me. Luckily my in laws don't go anywhere near me (but neither does my husband, I can see where he gets it from.) Dunno how you'd word it though.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 29-Dec-16 11:03:11

No, its your choice. Theres touchy feely and theres pervy. If he wouldn't do that in front if his wife hes definitely being pervy.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Thu 29-Dec-16 11:04:18

I don't like being touched either. Colleagues are very huggy and it always makes me shudder. I just say "I don't do hugs" and most people accept that. My family know I don't like it too and only my nan is allowed to hug me - I think I have only ever hugged my dad once in my adult life and that was at my wedding.

OP i would just be very clear with your FIL that you prefer not to be touched or hugged, and it's no reflection on him, just something that makes you uncomfortable from anyone.

Spam88 Thu 29-Dec-16 11:05:49

It is a little awkward now because you didn't make it clear from the start, but you shouldn't just carry on being made to feel uncomfortable so just say 'sorry but I'm really not a hugger' or something to that effect next time.

MrsGWay Thu 29-Dec-16 11:06:03

No, I don't like physical contact and I don't see why other people can't respect that.

WonderWombat Thu 29-Dec-16 11:06:07

Something like 'I suffer from claustrophobia, and it always gets worse when people hug me or kiss me. I need you to know that as I am sure you wouldn't want to cause me any distress' might do the trick.

Wolfiefan Thu 29-Dec-16 11:07:03

I think it's a bit late after 10 years TBH.
You clearly don't like them. I wouldn't see them. DH can deal. Less rude than you going off and sorting out rooms whilst they are visiting.

FatalKittehCharms Thu 29-Dec-16 11:08:09

Absolutely tell him or get DH to tell him that it's nothing personal but you don't like to be touched.

I am touchy feely with my family but definitely wouldn't want to with my FIL or any ILs really.

Bragadocia Thu 29-Dec-16 11:09:07

Kissing on the cheek when arriving or leaving is something I would put up with, but a kiss on the cheek as he passes you in the kitchen? That's a bit too intimate! Does he do that to his own DS too while you're staying there?

WannaBe Thu 29-Dec-16 11:12:08

After ten years I agree it's a bit late. Yanbu to feel how you feel, but you would be being a bit unreasonable to suddenly bring it up now having never done so before.

grumpysquash3 Thu 29-Dec-16 11:24:18

My FIL has a terrible habit of kissing me on the lips. It's horrible.
I feel your pain OP.

ravenmum Thu 29-Dec-16 11:30:24

On the lips shock

sandragreen Thu 29-Dec-16 11:32:49

Oh dear, this is awful isn't it? I wouldn't like this either but agree with PP, if he has been doing this for 10 years it's a bit late now isn't it? Or has this escalated recently? Not much in the way of advice but here's some flowers

Goingtobeawesome Thu 29-Dec-16 11:33:06

It's not too late. Tell them no. Kissing on the lips. Don't get close or if you can't stop in time put your hand over your mouth when he gets nearer.

ArcheryAnnie Thu 29-Dec-16 11:33:16

I think you have the right to set whatever physical boundaries you please. It'll be a bit awkward, I don't doubt, but if you don't want hugs and kisses then you shouldn't have to put up with them. So YANBU.

Have you mentioned it to your DH?

Shiningexample Thu 29-Dec-16 11:35:07

Unwanted lip kissers😱
Turn away, or employ some sort of martial arts style block

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Thu 29-Dec-16 11:36:28

No. it's not too late to say something. Please don't feel uncomfortable a moment longer. As PP have suggested, say that you'd prefer not to do hugs/kisses, that's enough, you don't have to lie or make excuses, then carry on with no hard feelings towards him. If he's funny with you/doesn't like it, then tough, he can love it or leave it. Life is too short to put up with things like this. I'm sure you will feel empowered, like a weight has been lifted.

CakesRUs Thu 29-Dec-16 11:39:35

I'm a massive hugger, my fil hugs and kisses when we meet and greet and, even though we're both huggers, it would creep me out if he randomly kissed me whilst doing the dishes. The hard part here is the lack of communication you specify, I'd say in the group as a whole, about not liking the whole hugging thing, that some people do but you just don't - and that's ok.

Rachel0Greep Thu 29-Dec-16 11:45:44

I wouldn't like this either. The standing too close would bother me also, is it that he has no idea re personal space or is he being a bit creepy? Either way, I would not like it.

Rachel0Greep Thu 29-Dec-16 11:46:42

My FIL has a terrible habit of kissing me on the lips. It's horrible.

Ugh. No way would I endure that.

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