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Is it me not them

(27 Posts)
hellohelloisitgin Wed 28-Dec-16 22:38:57

As much I would love to be the one that everyone likes, I think people find me weird, too serious, too outspoken and too direct...
How do you make people you meet at parties, at the school gate etc like you?
I am blatantly not funny and when I am, it is probably a geeky joke no one even gets...
I can't make up stories so probably what I share is uber boring and I found it very hard to lie (well I can verbally but my body language betrays me every time)
This is probably exactly the opposite I experience at work....where I am considered funny self confident caring etc...
What am

I am getting tired of trying (DD1 started school and I am dreading the start of term + socialising with other parents)

What am I doing wrong?

Vapours Wed 28-Dec-16 22:46:13

Over thinking by the sound of it. Why would you need to lie? Try and be yourself and who cares if some people don't like you. We're all like that, you can't like everyone.

BackforGood Wed 28-Dec-16 22:50:09

Agree with vapours - you need to relax. In the playground, you just smile, make light chit chat. You don't go in 'seeking out friends', relationships normally develop over time - often just through ciircumstance like you walk back the same way.

BackforGood Wed 28-Dec-16 22:51:11

At parties, ask questions, and listen to people. Don't make it about you 'performing' in some way.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 28-Dec-16 22:52:22

You can't make anyone like you.

You can just be nice, approachable, polite and friendly.

Lilacpink40 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:54:12

You sound fine to me. Don't rush to join groups outside the school, look around for friendly smiles and relaxed people. See who your DC plays with.

greenfolder Wed 28-Dec-16 22:54:35

My top til is to ask people about themselves. Most people will witter on given a few basics. Then you can usually find some common fround

Gymnopedies Wed 28-Dec-16 22:57:42

How do you do at work?
Is it possible that you could have Asperger's (it presents differently in women than men, there is a general lack of social intuition and ability to engage in chitchat, trying to analyse and copy others' social behaviour and being obsessed about narrow subjects)?

hellohelloisitgin Wed 28-Dec-16 23:09:38

At work there is so much to chat and everyone is like me but on a more heterogenous ground I seem to lose the capacity to connect....we have just moved to this area and know very few people, but I agree that I might have started on the wrong gear and tried too hard especially as everyone knows everyone; I have asked DH if I could possibly be on the spectrum and he joked he wishes I was so could stop worrying about this!
Maybe I just need to relax, and not take this as a new project to tackle....easy said than done blush

Vapours Wed 28-Dec-16 23:23:29

Well if you've just moved to a new area that's a different matter. It will take time. Be yourself, don't try to lie, you don't need to. If you think you could be on spectrum see gp, have chat.

NavyandWhite Wed 28-Dec-16 23:27:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 28-Dec-16 23:29:33

You sound a lot like me. I'm being referred for an assessment for aspergers. I'm not saying you have it but I find I am who I am and people either get me or they don't and it's their problem. I do get described as weird etc. I do tend to find that there are people that appreciate how I am but thinking on it, I wouldn't say I have any close friends and once we aren't at the school gates, I'm not sure I'll really see them anymore. It is hard tbh.

I try to think how would other people act, social occasions I drink and I'm much more chilled 'don't give a stuff' and apparently, much better according to friends hmm. One has recently told me I'm boring sober but so much fun when I'm drunk. Nice.

marylennoxwasanaspie Wed 28-Dec-16 23:37:22

You could always avoid parties and give up trying to socialise at the school gate. That's what I did. grin The school gate seems to bring out the blinkers in a big way and I have a theory that parenthood messes with your ability to mingle, unless you're a natural extrovert.

lovelearning Thu 29-Dec-16 07:55:11

One has recently told me I'm boring sober but so much fun when I'm drunk.

HarryPottersMagicWand -

That's not a friend; that's a drinking buddy.

SimplyChoco Thu 29-Dec-16 08:23:17

Welcome to my world! Social Anxiety is what I have and it's the same as that. At work I'm great and get on with everyone. But when I have to talk about myself or general chit chat in situations like the school gates, the pub or DCs parties I'm a ball of nerves and anxiety and feel no one likes me.

Read up on social anxiety and what can be done to help at home (supplements and meditation for example).
And get out there and face the fears and be yourself!

BusyBeez99 Thu 29-Dec-16 08:26:43

The only thing you probably have in common with people at the school gates is that you produced a child within the same 12 months. I have one mum friend and her child is in a different year to mine.

I have met my closest friends at a gym, on a family holiday and at my child's extra curricular activity

hellohelloisitgin Thu 29-Dec-16 08:28:35

Marylennox - that's what I think! Motherhood is tough....before DD1and DD2 I did not mix with people I had nothing in common or nothing to say (this not to say I did not respect them, but life is too short iykwim) once I became a mother I genuinely thought I would be blessed with some sort of blessing and become friends with moms easily as I thought this is what you do? Fool!!! Nothing has changed only we both have a child going in the same school....DD1 is very sociable (as I think I am) and very popular with play dates so we get invited a lot (which I am grateful of) but and we reply (which I sometimes dread if the parents come too) ....I think I will just need to relax...I doubt I am Asperger as I am very comfy in social settings I like....having said that I am rethinking of whether I am an extroverted (like everyone describes me at work) or really a borderline introverted (hell I like to be with the person I know most - me)

hellohelloisitgin Thu 29-Dec-16 08:32:00

Busybeez message crossed so agree with you!
Thank you lovely folks, I feel like it is going to be fine (maybe bumpy at times) - will definitely read on social anxieties may get few tips to apply!

witsender Thu 29-Dec-16 08:35:21

You sound very normal to me! How many people know that make up stories, lie and tell jokes in every encounter like the school gate?

chickaroo Thu 29-Dec-16 08:35:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonlypuppyfat Thu 29-Dec-16 08:39:31

Heterogeneous group? What's that?

witsender Thu 29-Dec-16 08:56:52

You're not chickaroo. There are threads every year from many parents who feel they are different to all the other parents.

HerBluebiro Thu 29-Dec-16 09:11:26

Why would you need to be friends with mums at the school gates?

Smile. Be polite. Pick up child. It is not a performance piece.

Trills Thu 29-Dec-16 09:11:28

A heterogeneous group is group made up of things (in this case people) that are different.

Rather than a homogeneous group, made up of things that are the same.

See also heterosexual/homosexual. Or homogenised milk.

sonlypuppyfat Thu 29-Dec-16 09:13:51

Thank you trills

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