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To be having second thoughts about relocation

(21 Posts)
Quarterlifecrisis27 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:17:32

Last Christmas I went through a horrendous break up. My ex (whom I worked with) cheated on me and left me for another girl in our office. It was truly awful watching them all day. We had lived together but I had savings and my parents helped me to buy my own home, which I strongly believe kept me going.

I was never hugely settled in the city I bought in and once I got over the shock of break up realised I wanted to move back to my university city. So in November I got a new job paying much better, let my house and moved into a share in new city. I'm sharing to save money to top up my deposit as property is more here.

So current situation:
New city (moved at end of November)
Sharing and hate housemates for lots of reasons
New job

New city has much better long term prospects. But I miss my own home so much. I also met a great guy in other city but it didn't work out. I associated lots of happy times in my home with him and I'm not sure if this is skewing my thoughts.

I don't know what to do. Try to settle in new city or make plans to move back to old? Old city is small, few career prospects and I always planned to move to uni city. But suddenly it seems overwhelming.

I'm 27 btw; single and no kids. Aibu to be totally confused?

BIgBagofJelly Wed 28-Dec-16 22:21:34

I would give the new city more of a chance. Try to find a new house share (or small place of your own if possible). Get out and try to meet some new friends (Meetup Groups, hobbies, whatever you fancy), be as sociable as possible at work etc etc. In a year from now if you have a better living situation and a nice group of friends everything could feel completely different.

Sounds like it's been a rocky few months for you but you sound very strong and capable, I'm sure you'll make things work out for yourself flowers.

DarthMother Wed 28-Dec-16 22:34:12

I'd give it a bit longer, maybe find a 6 month lease on a small flat of your own or something. The beauty of having your own house back at the other city is that you'll always have the option to go back.

Quarterlifecrisis27 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:43:05

I really don't want to live alone as I would stretch myself so much I couldn't save, meaning I couldn't ever buy a property here (new city). My grand plan is to save 6k this year so I can move next Christmas...

BIgBagofJelly Wed 28-Dec-16 22:47:05

Definitely try a new flat share in that case, either straight away or wait until you've built up a social circle and hopefully find someone via a mutual friend. It can be terrible depressing living with people you hate. I bet things will feel better once you're out of that situation and have some local friends to cheer you up.

Astro55 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:47:57

Slow down!

Your not sure of the city so you can't possibly have plans to buy a property there already - it doesn't make sense

You are making huge leaps instead of small steps -

Make a list of things you want to achieve by all means but not to the exclusion of everything else -

Would a smaller place help you settle? Could you rent a two bedroom so you choose your flat share/friend

How did Christmas pan out?

You appear head strong and focused - maybe relax a bit and be kind to yourself

Fartleks Wed 28-Dec-16 22:59:21

You need to give the city a proper go. Two years rather then two months. Change accommodation. What about a bedsit or something small but private

Quarterlifecrisis27 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:10:25

This Christmas I've spent with my parents as to be honest it's been a crazy year and I need the time out.

I feel like I need to have my life in order as I'm only 3 years from 30. Not saving money makes me uncomfortable.

Italiangreyhound Wed 28-Dec-16 23:21:03

Quarter well done on all you have achieved.

Make a longer plan, 6-12 months in your city, learn all you can in your job, find a good new home set up that lets you save but also live with people you like.

Then see where you want to be by next Christmas.

Allthewaves Wed 28-Dec-16 23:22:23

Find new place to live that u like and give it a year

CotswoldStrife Wed 28-Dec-16 23:32:41

So in the past 12 months you've separated, bought a property and then left it (let it out) and relocated into a shared house? That's quite a lot of things to do in a year. I'd give yourself a bit longer in the shared house (sharing must be difficult after having your own place anyway) or look for another one.

I appreciate that you want to save up but could you extend the period of savings so rather than a year make it two? As a PP said, now that you've moved back to Uni city you are not actually sure you want to stay so why would you buy another property?

How long can you let your other property for, did you get 12 months agreement from the mortgage company?

Quarterlifecrisis27 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:43:11

I have 12 months consent but I will remortgage next year and possibly look to sell anyway.

In January I made a big list of things I wanted to do and I have ticked them all off but still feel so unhappy. I wasn't expecting this.

You've moved from a home to a place that is just somewhere to live, it's bound to feel a bit wrong and odd. I think you need a bit of time off the treadmill to process what has happened to you. It looks like you are trying to keep constantly pushing forward to avoid dealing with some difficult feelings. You will never feel settled when you haven't dealt with the discomfort within.
However, you don't have to put up with bad flatmates, look for a better option.

Quarterlifecrisis27 Wed 28-Dec-16 23:57:48

I was in an abusive relationship when I was 18-21 and made a lot of decisions based on my partner.

Now I'm older I feel so much regret that I could've done much better in life. I am completely consumed by these thoughts and so am trying to quickly get to where I think I should be.

I don't think it's healthy and have wondered if I am suffering depression.

Astro55 Thu 29-Dec-16 00:00:39

I think this is where you realize you've achieved what you wanted to - all but nearly and upmost run out of next steps?

Do any old university friend live near? What about a holiday - something you've never tried before?

What about joining a group like spice to give you new experiences? Sky dive or days out, meet some new faces and have some down time?

I do think you might benefit from some counselling as you seem to be pushing yourself to get to where you think you ought to be rather than thinking where do you want to be or what would make you happy or even just content.
I did similar when failing to deal with my feelings about my DM death when I was a teenager. Counselling helped me regain a sense of what I wanted rather than what I should do. (I do slip back into that type of thinking every so often but spot it better now)
There is a positive side that the urge to push yourself can give you a solid foundation for the future (I bought my first property in London just over 20 years ago aged 26 which has given my DH and DC a degree of security that would be difficult to achieve otherwise).

pandarific Thu 29-Dec-16 00:18:41

I could've done much better in life

You feel old, but you're not - look at how past tense this statement is. I know exactly how you feel, I promise you, but this is you beating yourself up, pushing to be better, achieve more - but you need to take a deep breath and slow down for a bit.

You have done really well - you are okay, more than okay. You've got your long-term ducks in a row re: property, that's great, excellent security for you. But consider - what do you think will make you happy, short term too? In my experience, happiness is like a magnet - once you have a little bit it attracts more and more.

So what in the short term would make you happy? A two week holiday somewhere you can just chill right out? Some new friends? Taking a short course in something you're interested in? Going to the cinema more? Learning to cook South Asian/Middle Eastern food/bake bread? Do little things that please you, and be nice to yourself.

Agree with other posters that changing your living situation will help a lot too - can you put out feelers for another houseshare? flowers for you, it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself.

Hobbes8 Thu 29-Dec-16 00:26:02

27 was a tough age for me, and I suspect it is for a lot of people. You feel like you should have it sorted by 30, but that's honestly bullshit. You're still young and there's no rush (there's no way to say something like that without sounding patronising - sorry!). I was quite similar to you - had a shitty relationship in my early 20s that both knocked my confidence and made me feel like I'd lost time and needed to catch up.

Do you like your new job? If so, give the city a bit of a chance. Don't make any rash decisions about where to live, but put out feelers for a new flat share and something right for you will come along eventually.

You've done really well to buy a property at your age (patronising again!). It gives you options. You can keep it rented out indefinitely whilst you travel, work where you want, etc, or if you find somewhere that feels like home you can sell it and use the equity for your deposit.

You sound really driven, which is a positive thing, but can make it hard to go with the flow a bit. Maybe trying some new hobbies or social thing might help a bit - just something for fun without worrying about never know where it might lead you.

SpiritedLondon Thu 29-Dec-16 00:28:57

Look you're 27 not 47. Relax, take a really take a deep breath and exhale. This is not a race. The sky is not going to fall in and you don't have to get everything accomplished immediately. You've only been there a month and part of that has been Christmas so it's bound to feel a bit weird ( so is starting a new job). You said you never really fitted into the last town so it's interesting that you're considering a move back. It seems to me you're just hankering for a bit of familiarity not the town per se. Keep going with the new job and see if after a couple of months you feel more settled. Give people a chance....we're all muddling our way through this life.

SunshineInTheRain Thu 29-Dec-16 10:28:30

Op it's called pulling a geographical. And definitely worth thrashing out in therapy why your needing to do this. In the meantime it's totally ok to feel shitty, it doesn't mean staying is wrong or that leaving will fix things.

sofato5miles Thu 29-Dec-16 10:45:30

At 27, i was broke just moved back to the uk and was sharing a bed with a flat mate who had packed up her stuff for storage and then broken up with her ex.

6 months later, i had my own bed (!) and room, had a great job and was going out with my now DH. We now have a fantastic life, live in a different country and have real financial security.

Life improves in a heart beat, believe me.

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