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To feel like I'm failing at life?

(6 Posts)
WreathofWrath Wed 28-Dec-16 21:39:41

Everything is wrong.

I'm ill (hypothyroid) and two years post diagnosis, my doctor still can't control my levels. I catch everything going including frequent boils. It's destroyed my self-esteem.

My relationship. I have a wonderful BF but he's currently unemployed, homeless and depressed. His family aren't very supportive and his friends are slowly ditching him as he hasn't the money to go out. More and more I'm becoming his emotional crutch. I love him but the pressure is unbearable.

Work. In truth I'm probably too ill to work (I actually fell asleep at my desk the other day). I only started a couple of months ago. I was out of work for several months before landing this job. It's almost full time and I'm struggling with childcare. Everywhere is full.

XH. Is next to useless as a father. Hasn't paid maintenance almost a year (cms are crap). Barely has the DCs. Cancels all the time and is abusive towards me. The DC don't want to go anymore but he blames me. I still have an unsettled financial claim against the marital property (we're already divorced, long story) but I don't have the money or the energy to take him to court.

DC. My 8yo has significant problems behavioural and MH wise. She frequently threatens suicide and has huge meltdowns. I suspect something is amiss, maybe she's on the spectrum or perhaps she has a sensory processing disorder. I don't know but I've tried to access several resources over the years resulting in two CAHMS referrals, both of which were dismissed over the phone with the advice 'read a parenting book'.

DS is 17 and I've always felt pretty lucky as he's always been so easy going and will usually listen to advice. That was until he got a GF. I don't recognise him anymore. He's totally embarrassed of me and wants to move into my parents' home as he gets to do pretty much what he likes and they throw money at him. His GF comes over at least once a week and I drive her home yet he's rude and nasty to me and has on occasion been aggressive to my BF. He told me to fuck off tonight. I've had it with him but no idea how to handle this as it's totally new behaviour. In honesty this has tipped me over the edge as he knows how much I'm struggling with all of the above yet doesn't care. I had him when I was still at school and his dad walked out when he was 2 and didn't pay any maintenance in all that time. He recently got in touch with DS and DS thanked me for not pursuing contact. After all this, he is ready to abandon his family for his GF whom he clearly favours. I know teenagers are selfish but this change has blindsided me and yes, it hurts.

Friends. I've slowly been ditched by most of my friends as I'm too ill to meet up and do anything. One childhood friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid but I suspect she wants to drop me as she's somehow got it into her head that I won't be going. This despite me paying to go on her hen do abroad, helping her make stuff and attending dress fittings etc. I don't know what else I can do to reassure her. I've never once said I might not be able to go, I even said I'd put the wedding cost on a credit card if it came to it.

I feel out of my depth, like there's just too many problems to sort out. Where would you even start? I just want to lie down and go to sleep, and at this moment, not wake up.

category12 Wed 28-Dec-16 21:53:41

Oh dear. flowers

I think - let ds move out and try to view it as him asserting his independence, coming of age, that kind of thing. It's likely that when the flush of first love dies off, he'll be back to himself. It may take some time.

Try a different doctor? Or go back and go back and go back and go back again.

Reduce any contact you have at all with your ex. Don't let him abuse you, do third party handovers, don't engage with him at all outside of factual child related stuff.

Don't put your bf's needs above your own. He's struggling, but he needs to support you too.

WreathofWrath Wed 28-Dec-16 22:02:22

Thank you category12, its just nice to know someone has 'listened' flowers as obviously I don't really have anyone I can say all this to in RL.

Unfortunately I can't leave my GP as all other local surgeries are refusing to take registrations due to a mass exodus from my local one (they are exceptionally bad). I feel like if I could just get on top of my health it would solve a lot of issues but I don't know how.

I think I will just leave DS to it like you said. I'm just so hurt he would do this now when things are so difficult.

category12 Wed 28-Dec-16 22:12:06

Yes, if you're unwell everything is so much harder. flowers

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Wed 28-Dec-16 22:37:52

What is your levothyroxine dosage? Do you take iron tablets? Multi-vitamins?
I go through periods when my exhaustion is all consuming and it's always down to thyroid/diet. I'm assuming you already have thyroxine-if so, up your dosage minimally to see if it makes a difference. Combined with iron tablets and a daily mutual-vitamin, I feel mostly normal (but can never make it past 11pm-sleep just overcomes me).

gwtting your health sorted needs to be your number one priority as solutions to the other issues will only come if you have a clear head and energy to tackle them.

If your GP is terrible, then make an appointment every Single week. Refuse to stop visiting until you've been given proper help. There is bound to be one understanding gp in the practice. Wait for an appt with them and then go back to them weekly.

If you have diagnosed thyroid issues, it's really common to go through different dosages. There was a year I went from 150mg daily to 300mg; I was stressed, not eating well. It has stabilised at around 250mg for the last year or so but I know it could go up/down for myriad of reasons.
Self-medicate (to an extent). If Dr has prescribed x and it's not helping, go up a little to see if it makes a difference.

WreathofWrath Thu 29-Dec-16 11:22:17

Thanks Hoppity.

I'm currently on 75 one day and 100 the next although in truth I take 100 every day. My problem is that my TSH is always low which is all the doctors seem bothered about and only ever increases marginally when they lower my dose. So I was on 100 and feeling ok, not great on that dose but because my TSH was so low on that dose they put me on 75. My TSH was still too low but then my t4 and t3 dropped out of range and I felt horrendous. So they put me on my current dose but they want to lower it again to 75 because they're not happy about my TSH even though my t3 & t4 are at the bottom of the ranges confused. I just wish they would stop being so obsessed with my TSH as its only the t4 & t3 that my body needs anyway. My doctor has admitted she doesn't understand my low TSH but they won't refer me to an endocrinologist.

I don't currently take any vitamins as I'm confused about them but I know I'm vitD deficient. Part of the problem is that I'm usually on some form of antibiotic which needs to be taken on an empty stomach and so does my thyroxine so I can't fit them in shock.

You're right though, getting on top of my health should be a priority. I've been exhausted the last few weeks but I've woken up feeling ok for the first time in a while which is making a huge difference to my feeling of being able to cope. It's the brain fog and feeling so detached from reality that I struggle with too.

I'd love to go private just to get myself on the right track but I just can't afford it sad.

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