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AIBU to think this is a bit off?

(43 Posts)
mummabearjustgotfierce Wed 28-Dec-16 19:22:33

Im fully prepared to be told IABU!
Me and DH frequently have over DH family. For dinner/drinks etc. Relationship has been strained in the past with them making up terrible lies and with which although iv forgiven them for I haven't forgotten so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement.
We recently had all of them over for xmas celebration. Provided and paid for a takeaway, plenty of bottles of wine, beers, cocktails, sweets, treats etc. No-one bought anything along which was fine, I didn't expect them to as we were hosting. Anyway, fast forward to today and we are supposed to be going around tomorrow and we have been told very clearly that we need to bring our own drinks, pay for our own food and bring party games etc. In normal circumstances I would say this is more than reasonable and I would never dream of going empty handed but I'm just sick of them coming to our house, not bringing anything or contributing to dinner or takeaway but expecting us to when its we go there. I don't feel able to say anything as if I do it will erupt into a row which I can't be bothered with. I feel like we should go as Im seeing my side of the family the next day and I don't want to deprive the children of not seeing their family but it really gets up my goat! I don't really want to go anyway and neither does DH and this just put me right of the idea even more.
Just to add, they are not financially worse of than us, if anything they seem to have more disposable income. Also DH mum is going to be there who has been completely vile in the past and this year dished out the xmas presents to the grandchildren, spending £30-40 each on the others and only £5 on my children, if she didnt have the money, she should have spent the same! or just bought them all nothing and gave a card! I didnt realise this until after she had gone after eating and drinking all night at our house. Again this could be clouding my judgement of the whole situation!

Foslady Wed 28-Dec-16 19:23:22

Do you have to go?

ChuckSnowballs Wed 28-Dec-16 19:26:40

I wouldn't be feeding and entertaining people who were vile and spread lies about me to be frank.

MarcelineTheVampire Wed 28-Dec-16 19:27:07

I wouldn't go. You are not depriving the children of a toxic family, you are protecting them.

dowhatnow Wed 28-Dec-16 19:30:29

YAsoNBU. In fact your judgement is very clouded but in the opposite way to what you think. What piss takers.

mummabearjustgotfierce Wed 28-Dec-16 19:30:36

The lies they told could have broken up my family. Luckily it didn't and they admitted they did it out of spite a few months later, but this was about 4 years ago now. Things haven't been so bad since, as we made it clear if they ever did anything like that again that we would have no more contact with them.
We don't have to go, but if we don't all I end up is being on the receiving end of bitchy comments and i feel bad for the children as like i say its their family and I'm always careful not to bad mouth them within ear shot. For the first time ever dd1 noticed that she didnt have as much as the other grandchildren, and like i say, I'm not grabby, if she had just gave them all a card and no gift it would have been a non issue.

SquidgeyMidgey Wed 28-Dec-16 19:32:53

Don't go. I imagine you take more than you need (thus feeding them too-again). Get DH to call and say you're all suddenly afflicted with a dodgy tum.

Frouby Wed 28-Dec-16 19:33:45

Are you feeling a bit ill OP? Do you have a touch of sickness and diarrhoea?

I wouldn't go to be honest. And don't host next year either. Or if you do make it a BYO. cheeky gits.

dowhatnow Wed 28-Dec-16 19:33:47

How is it going to affect the Dc's self esteem to know that they are second best. DD has already noticed. It will only get worse. I'd have to call them out on that and say they are treated equally or they won't be involved in their life.

KlingybunFistelvase Wed 28-Dec-16 19:36:18

They sound awful OP. I wouldn't go and I'd be limiting contact from now on. What does your partner say about it? Is he keen to stay in touch with them or not really?

Also, you didn't happen to post about this family under another name did you? I remember a thread a long while back where a really evil sounding MIL made up a load of lies about the OP. She sounded really horrible. If it's her, run away!

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity Wed 28-Dec-16 19:43:42

I'd make a point of bringing sandwiches and some soft drinks. Packed lunches if you will. And when questioned, simply say that of course you cannot afford to buy twice, considering you fed them and provided the booze when you hosted. And don't take any games with you.

mummabearjustgotfierce Wed 28-Dec-16 19:45:10

I think I'm going to speak to DH about it, and see what he says. I really don't want to go to be honest and it was this message that just pushed it over the edge.
DH isn't fussed about staying in contact with them. Before they told the lies, it had been years of nastiness of which DH didnt speak out or just let go. However, when they stooped to that low i said to DH he was the problem as he was allowing them to treat me and his children badly and he did go there and tell them that we came first and that if he had to choose there would be no choice, and we did go NC for a few months. However, they did get in touch and admitted it was lies so i relented and we started a relationship again. I could go on and on about the things they have said and done before and after the whole lies thing but theres no point dredging up the past.
Your right dowhat for the first time i could see the damage they were causing. When dd1 asked me why her gran didnt love her as much and why she had less, i tried smoothing it over by saying 'maybe gran thought u would prefer X' or maybe gran didnt realise, but she's not silly. In the end I said maybe u should ask her yourself. That opportunity never came as DH rang his mum Xmas day to speak and she didnt pick up and didnt return our call or thank us for her gift. I think i feel better writing it all down about not going to be honest.

leaveittothediva Wed 28-Dec-16 19:55:54

I wouldn't go, especially after looki

leaveittothediva Wed 28-Dec-16 19:59:25

I wouldn't go, especially after looking after all their food and drink needs, and then they do this. If you do feel you have to go to keep the peace, can't you order a Chinese for yourselves, brink drink for yourselves, and offer them fa.

BIgBagofJelly Wed 28-Dec-16 20:00:57

YANBU, that's just rude. They all sound awful to be honest.

4men1lady Wed 28-Dec-16 20:05:51

Yeah. I wouldn't go either. Why waste your time going there, presuming you're all off over Xmas, I wouldn't spend my precious family time with ppl who clearly think it's ok to treat me and my family differently to other dgc.

Have a nice family night in together..sod the drama!

4men1lady Wed 28-Dec-16 20:06:22

Oh and I wouldn't be hosting them again!

Aeroflotgirl Wed 28-Dec-16 20:09:47

I wouldn't be going to them after the way they treat you and your DC and I wod not be entertaining them again, they sound awful.

PurpleMinionMummy Wed 28-Dec-16 20:10:06

I wouldn't go. The present thing is awful.

thatdearoctopus Wed 28-Dec-16 20:10:24

Look, you're going to be the bad guys whatever you do, so why not please yourselves and not go?

Mumzypopz Wed 28-Dec-16 20:11:00

Absolutely appalling to give £30/£40 on one grandchild and £5 on another. However, this happened to me once, parents usually ask what we want for Xmas, I said perhaps a nice tablecloth......I got one....From a charity shop, clearly second hand!! My sister got a £40 kitchen gadget. I just laughed it off, I know in my heart they do not think more of one child than the other, they just really thought the tablecloth was nice.We all laugh about it now, my parents really thought they were doing nothing wrong, they are elderly and I forgive them.

RandomMess Wed 28-Dec-16 20:11:29

It's your DH call tbh, if he's not bothered about maintaining a relationship with them just let it drift. If they contact you just pass them over to DH etc.

You won't miss the, nor will your DC.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 28-Dec-16 20:12:18

Oh and I would be going NC again with them permently this time, they will never change.

FrayedHem Wed 28-Dec-16 20:12:36

Don't go. Your DD1 is picking up on the imbalance and I certainly wouldn't be paying for the privilege to endure any more of it.

KlingybunFistelvase Wed 28-Dec-16 20:15:57

Look, you're going to be the bad guys whatever you do, so why not please yourselves and not go?

This^^ is so true.

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