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My mum didn't see us at Christmas and I am hurt

(15 Posts)
Liiinoo Wed 28-Dec-16 12:40:08

Have changed a few details so as not to identify.

My mum lives some miles from us (me, DH and three young adult children). She has been widowed for many years and in all that time has had an open invitation to spend Christmas with us which she normally does although once or twice she has been ill or spent time with other family members who live further away.

Mum is quite introverted and has a history of crying off social events so I wasn't too surprised when she sent me a text on `Christmas morning saying her bad back was playing up and she wouldn't be joining us. Her 'bad back' always plays up when she doesn't want to do something and we had a full house of in-laws and children as well as her and that sort of crowd just isn't her thing. She has also made a point of dropping everyone's presents in earlier in the week so I had already had a clue she didn't intend to spend the day with us.

However I was very surprised when she still had a bad back on Boxing Day which traditionally is a very big deal in my family but is a much quieter, low key sort of day which she normally enjoys. By then I was worried enough that I spoke to a geographically nearer relation who popped over with a present/to check she was ok (she has some other potentially serious ongoing health issues and I was worried she wasn't telling me the full story). He reported that she seemed fine, was moving freely and seemed well, just

So it seems she just didn't want to see us at Christmas. One one level I get that she is a grown woman in full control of her faculties who can spend Christmas doing whatever the hell she wants. If she wants a quiet few days on her own, that is what she should have. And she can be quite argumentative so in some ways it is easier when she isn't here. But I am sitting here looking at the presents she hasn't been here to open and I feel very sad that she didn't want to join us. It seems like a futile gesture to drive them over to her and I actually don't want to do it as I think if I saw her I would cry and I don't want to guilt-trip her over not joining us.

christmasjolity Wed 28-Dec-16 13:09:44

Can you go to her house to see her?

FeckinCrutches Wed 28-Dec-16 13:11:39

Why didn't you go to her if she had a bad back?

EZA15 Wed 28-Dec-16 13:12:44

Could you give it a little bit, get a bit calmer - then give a a phone call? Just to make sure she's ok and to get a mutually convenient time to go see her?

Can you invite her up at a time when you don't have a housefull?

Stiddleficks Wed 28-Dec-16 13:13:40

I think yabu, you know she doesn't like lots of people and fuss, and you say she has other serious health issues so what's to stop you going to her?

Imbroglio Wed 28-Dec-16 13:14:40

How far is 'some miles'?

BewtySkoolDropowt Wed 28-Dec-16 13:14:59

Maybe she would prefer you to go there but doesn't want to suggest it?

Maybe she just wanted to be on her own?

Why shouldn't she have the Christmas Day she wants rather than dealing with the Christmas Day you want?

esiotrot2015 Wed 28-Dec-16 13:15:01

Poor woman
Could you stop inviting her up large social events she's not comfortable with & see her quietly on a different day ? Take her out for lunch and give her her presents then ?

esiotrot2015 Wed 28-Dec-16 13:15:40

Next year ask her what she'd like to do

Bluebolt Wed 28-Dec-16 13:17:31

She probably knows it will hurt to tell you hence the bad back, Christmas and all it entails even the low key Boxing Day may just be too much. I had this with my Dad he would rather have a visit other times than try to get into festive spirit when all he wanted was time by himself.

Liiinoo Wed 28-Dec-16 14:00:39

OF COURSE she should have the Christmas Day she wants. I said that in my post, but that doesn't mean I am not hurt. And Boxing Day would have just been her and my DH and DCs. She wouldn't have stayed for tea but she she normally comes to exchange gifts.

I can't 'visit' her as she hates having people in her house even more than she hates going out. If I ever pop over to help her out with something or drop off shopping i am in and out in 5 minutes. No offer of a cup of tea or glass of squash - she walks me to the door and sees me out.

Really I know IABU, she is old and set in her ways and entitled to live as she chooses but it still makes me sad.

gleam Wed 28-Dec-16 14:05:45

Could you offer to take her out for afternoon tea somewhere nice and give her her gifts then. Just the two of you?

esiotrot2015 Wed 28-Dec-16 14:08:59

She's introverted the poor thing
All you can do is keep inviting her but don't get upset when she doesn't want to come

FudgeBiscuits Wed 28-Dec-16 14:10:30

Get off your backside and you go to her.

Your mum is an introvert and you had a crap ton of people there. Of course she didn't want to come round.

Be a big girl and you go to visit your mum! She's your mum for Christ sakes.

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