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To be upset they've offered no contribution to the wedding?

(370 Posts)
isthismummy Wed 28-Dec-16 11:52:16

Fiancé and I are getting wed in June. Date set. Registry office and reception booked. All very exciting and I can't wait to marry him smile

I'm asking the following not to get flamed, but to genuinely ask if AIBU. I really don't know and if people say I am then I will try and readjust my thinking accordingly.

My parents very generously offered us a substantial contribution to the wedding. We honestly didn't expect it, but we are very grateful. We will of course be covering some costs ourselves too. The wedding isn't going to be especially expensive anyway as we have very little money to spend. We've picked a nice venue so everyone can enjoy themselves, but cut out wedding transport, bridesmaids etc etc to keep the costs down as much as possible.

However my fiancé's family have not offered us a penny towards anything. His parents are both divorced and remarried. Although neither are rich, they aren't on the breadline either. His DM is probably the most comfortably off to the point of only having to work very PT.

Now I know that they are not obligated to offer us anything and I'm sure I will be told as such on this thread. I'm just finding it very hard to accept that neither cares enough to offer even a token gesture towards our big day. Perhaps I am being petty, but I'm struggling with the idea of them turning up and being treated on the same footing as my parents, who will have helped so much to make it a lovely day. I should add that my parents are not especially wealthy people, probably on equal footing financially.

So AIBU? I really don't know. I just know it all feels very off to me.

Wolfiefan Wed 28-Dec-16 11:54:01

Money doesn't equal caring. YAB completely U.
Have a cheap as chips wedding if you can't afford it yourself.

Celaena Wed 28-Dec-16 11:54:23

i think YABU, in this day and age you should be providing for your own wedding

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon Wed 28-Dec-16 11:54:38

YABU

SharkBaitOohHaha Wed 28-Dec-16 11:54:54

YABU.

they are not obligated to offer us anything

Exactly. You've answered your question yourself.

charliedontsurf Wed 28-Dec-16 11:55:12

YABU and grabby. I can't believe that people still expect parents to pay for their weddings.

Soubriquet Wed 28-Dec-16 11:55:29

Yes yabu

It's nice you're parents have offered but it isn't the done thing anymore

RayofFuckingSunshine Wed 28-Dec-16 11:55:53

YABVVU, why does them offering to give you money to get married equate to them caring?

LIZS Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:06

Yabu. Since when has the groom's family been obliged to contribute. You plan a wedding according to your budget.

SparkleChristmasGlitter Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:07

You don't know everything about your partners parents finaces so maybe they can't afford to offer, maybe they are fouscing on there future/pensions

You are both adults decided to marry and in my mind it is to you to pay for it.

Why shouldn't his parents be treated on the same footing as your parents on the wedding day? They are still his parents. Yes I think that is a petty way to think

Crispbutty Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:31

Yabu. Your wedding, your choices .. Your money.

Hellmouth Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:52

YABU.

You don't know their money situation
You're a grown ass woman, you shouldn't expect anything from anyone
Traditionally, anyway, it's the brides parents who paid for the wedding, not the grooms

ShanghaiDiva Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:53

It's your decision to get married and unreasonable to expect any financial contribution, but you know that already.

NancyDonahue Wed 28-Dec-16 11:56:53

I think most couples fund their own weddings nowadays. If one family want to contribute that is nice, but it doesn't mean the other family should follow suit.

missyB1 Wed 28-Dec-16 11:57:19

I wonder if they think it's not the done thing? They might be worried about stepping on toes? Weddings can be a minefield for the grooms family because of the perception that it's all about the bride.
My son is getting married next September, i waited until I was asked about contributing, as I didn't want to be seen as interfering.

Pineapplemilkshake Wed 28-Dec-16 11:57:56

I think YABU a little. You could acknowledge your parents' contribution during the speeches or perhaps present them with something at the wedding e.g. a voucher or flowers etc

HunterHearstHelmsley Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:02

Maybe they're old fashioned. Traditionally it's the brides parents that pay...

Perhaps they're saving to get things done in their home. Perhaps they just don't want to.

PhilODox Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:06

YABU.
Traditionally brides family paid.
Nowadays couples pay for their own.
They're not obliged either way!

FatalKittehCharms Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:24

YABU I'm afraid. You don't know what their financial situation is.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to accommodate their guest requests though.

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:29

As you say, nobody is obliged to pay for your wedding.
Very nice of your parents to choose to but you can't judge your soon to be in laws because they havent.

And if you genuinely feel that they arent obliged (rather than just saying it because you think that's how you ought to feel) then of course you will treat your soon to be husbands parents the same as your own parents.

Mrsglitterfairy Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:46

I actually don't think YABU. My dad gave us £2k and my mum gave us 1k towards our wedding and DH's mum gave us naff all! Even after she won £3k on the lottery, she gave DH and his 2 sisters £100 each and told him to 'put it towards the wedding if you want'. Don't get me wrong, she isn't by any means loaded but when it was his sisters 21st, she paid £200 for a cake for her and a party, always spends loads on the girls, bought lots of new stuff for herself over the 2.5 years we were saving and didn't once offer any contribution. And then moaned near the time that our wedding was 'skinting her' as she had to buy herself a new outfit, shoes for his sisters who were BMs and pay for drinks and taxi home angry But some people are just like that and you have to let it go.

acquiescence Wed 28-Dec-16 11:58:59

You are very misguided on the 'needs to only work part time' making her wealthy. Lots of people make the choice to work less, earn less, in order to have more spare time - not because they don't need the money.

loobylou10 Wed 28-Dec-16 11:59:03

One going against the grain here but I think a token gesture would be the right thing to do. Offering to pay for cars or button holes or something like that. That's what I would do. You don't sound at all grabby to me, just a little disappointed.

DonkeyOaty Wed 28-Dec-16 11:59:18

Pay for your own wedding. Don't be that couple.

ExplodingCarrots Wed 28-Dec-16 11:59:22

Sorry YABU. In this day and age I don't think it's expected of parents to contribute towards their children's weddings. I'm engaged and our wedding is going to be 100% funded by us. We don't expect any help from anyone.

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