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To wonder if you know anyone who stayed single as a way of protecting themselves?

(14 Posts)
mayemerald Wed 28-Dec-16 07:50:23

We hear a lot about how children who have been abused in their childhoods or neglected in some way are vulnerable to falling into dysfunctional relationships in adult life but do you know of anybody who actually stayed single throughout their adult life?

Or perhaps more commonly stayed single after a bad divorce?

CaoNiMerrilyOnHigh Wed 28-Dec-16 07:58:27

Yes - my godfather. He went through some traumatic events in his early life, and remained a bachelor until he died several years ago.

And myself, to a certain extent. I have been single for the past four years, and can't see myself in a relationship again. Emotional abuse from a narcissistic mother means I find boundaries difficult. Every relationship I've ever had has fallen foul of this. Until such time as I can guarantee I am "strong" enough to avoid a bad relationship, I will avoid them completely.

KurriKurri Wed 28-Dec-16 08:05:19

Well I was married for 32 yrs, then had a very traumatic divorce. I would never ever get married again. I would never share my finances with someone again. I would never fully commit emotionally again .

i.e - I might consider a relationship some time in the future if the right person came along, but it would never be a total sharing of lives, I would not live with another man, I would always hold part of myself back emotionally for my own protection. If I felt a relationship was becoming too full on I would leave it.

All hypothetical of course - because I very much doubt I;d even get as far as another relationship. I have trust Ishoos grin

Elisheva Wed 28-Dec-16 08:10:51

Yes, my aunt was raped as a teenager, she also suffered from school phobia and was treated very badly by a lot of people in authority. She has never even had a boyfriend, is now 65 sad

NotAnotherUserName1234 Wed 28-Dec-16 08:12:00

yes - but being alone was not good in the long term for their mental health.

mayemerald Wed 28-Dec-16 08:12:10

Did she ever try Eli or did she keep herself completely apart?

LobsterQuadrille Wed 28-Dec-16 08:19:40

Oh yes; me. My ex H left when I was pregnant with our (planned) daughter. He blamed me for being selfish enough not to terminate the pregnancy because he had changed his mind. We were working overseas at the time and I planned to return with my baby to the UK, but my DF was too angry and upset that I was a single parent and I was not welcome here at the time. This was 19 years ago and everything with my parents is fine, but there was a seismic shift in my head - I think my regard for men spiralled downwards - of course that was unfair, and I've had two relationships since DD was born, but I've never been able to have the same level of trust, so have self sabotaged at every turn.

I'm not lonely, have plenty of male friends and have not been short of offers. I do value my own space, especially having been a completely sole parent in all respects. DD is now at university and I'm absolutely not interested in anything other than remaining single (ok, I still go on the odd dating site to prove that I could if I wanted to, but that's the extent of it).

mayemerald Wed 28-Dec-16 08:26:23

Lobster flowers I suppose i am wondering if you can get to the point where you aren't attractive to the opposite sex as they can sense your reticence, somehow?

LobsterQuadrille Wed 28-Dec-16 08:58:05

Hmm, mayemerald, possibly, but my experience is that I've been seen as a challenge who hasn't met the right person. I'm aware that I have huge barriers which are pretty much set in stone. Being a sole parent and using DD as a cast iron excuse, plus being a recovering alcoholic are pretty good reasons to stay single too. smile

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Wed 28-Dec-16 09:12:31

I think the root of many strong relationships is being content in yourself first.

Serial monogamy and swinging from bad relationship to bad relationship without establishing yourself and your values between isn't healthy.

Better to be single than in a relationship just for the sake of it.

Crazycatladyloz82 Wed 28-Dec-16 09:28:52

Yes my Uncle. Was sexually abused as a boy and remained a bachelor until his death.

queenofthebucket Wed 28-Dec-16 09:48:44

Think I fall into this category. I've been a single parent for 21 years. all though I had a few boyfriends and one more grown up relationship - I am fundamentally a loner and never able to commit.

Probably due to a dysfunctional childhood and DM's mental health problems, myself and DSis are in contact and 2 DB's are not and ds1 is the only member of the next generation Bucket.

Elisheva Thu 29-Dec-16 17:49:42

As far as I know she never tried. Never even left home.

Foslady Thu 29-Dec-16 18:27:23

Another one here. Both xh weren't good. I now have little faith in my ability to find someone good. I'm attempting OLD but I also think I'm unlovable, as for the few people that have been in touch most have fizzled to nothing and the dates I have had have been disastrous. I would love to meet my Mr Right, but I can't see it happening

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