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to approach this with flatmate?

(73 Posts)
notfailedyet Wed 28-Dec-16 00:41:15

when we moved in together four months ago, she explicitly said her dp comes round 3 nights a week - and she would like him to continue doing this in future (for various reasons she cant stay at his. We all agreed and were VERY accommodating about it.

As it is, he sleeps over more like 7 (i.e. most nights), spends most weekends at the house, cooks for them and takes showers here. I like him but he does not contribute to bills (her logic is that he is cooking for them both and she often offers round their cooking to us - thus negating the expense - and secondly that his showers are 2 minutes long...) She does all his washing too. He's getting a very good deal!! He earns about £800 less than me per month but his disposable income is far higher - and I often feel like I'm subsiding him!!

I like him, and them, and have put up with the situation for four months as it wasn'tbothering me too much. But things came to a head when he slept over/stayed round without her being there - showing that he clearly has moved in to all intents and purposes. Not only is this not ok (he doesn't do any chores, pay anything etc) but it wasn't what we originally agreed/was promised! And I don't want to share with a male and have to subsidise him. I do often feel like they treat the (very expensive) houseshare a bit like their own family house, and I am a lodger... Which riles me a bit as I'm paying exactly the same amount of rent...

How can I go about this conversation diplomatically and softly-softly? I really want a resolution and if poss an apology!

Daisyfrumps Wed 28-Dec-16 00:45:45

Why softly softly? Tell her it's 3 nights as originally agreed or you'll be informing the landlord. Or if it's your property - giving them notice.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Wed 28-Dec-16 00:47:43

YADNBU. He could be classed as living there (I believe council class 4 nights a week or more as residence and therefore expect them to be on the bill etc) and I'm sure the landlord would be none too pleased.

You need to be firm by the sounds of it as she doesn't sound very reasonable. Tell her he either contributes to house work and bills (2 minute showers is still using water YOU are paying for) or he stays over less. Failing that, tell your LL

notfailedyet Wed 28-Dec-16 00:48:09

It's a 12 month houseshare and we are both tied in. I really like it other than that and like the others we share with. Don't want to rock the boat or be the bad guy. Just find it very unfair - esp as Im sure she wouldn't tolerate it if shoe was on the other foot...

CherryChasingDotMuncher Wed 28-Dec-16 00:48:31

Staying there when she's not there is bang out of order - how disrespectful to you!

CherryChasingDotMuncher Wed 28-Dec-16 00:49:30

It sounds like you not wanting to be the bad guy has instead turned you into a bit of a doormat. Stop standing for it, you are paying for some random bloke to live there!

Hellmouth Wed 28-Dec-16 00:51:48

I wouldn't be too soft or they'll walk all over you. Tell her it counts as living there if he's there more than 3 nights a week, and he needs to contribute or you will have no choice but to inform the landlord.

Crispbutty Wed 28-Dec-16 00:54:21

I moved in with my dp when he shared with a mate. We split all the bills into 3 then. It's the only fair way.

WellKnackered Wed 28-Dec-16 01:13:09

Next time you see them just tell them. You don't need to be rude or confrontational just say that you either don't want him living there more than3 nights or that you want him to split the bill and rent. Nothing will change is you carry on being a doormat saying nothing. It's time to woman up. wink

IhatchedaSnorlax Wed 28-Dec-16 01:19:58

Don't be a doormat - split bills 3 ways if he's there that often.

QueenLizIII Wed 28-Dec-16 01:38:48

You were given the same advice on your last thread before your name change.

The situation is identical and I assume you re the same poster.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2810080-So-my-housemates-boyfriend-is-sleeping-over-tonight

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Wed 28-Dec-16 01:44:17

Either say you arent happy, inform the landlord, ask if he can take your place on the lease or accept it.
They're your choices.
What you cant do is moan about while hoping it'll resolve itself without you having to do or say anything. That doesnt happen.
You either do something or you find a way to be ok with it.

notfailedyet Wed 28-Dec-16 01:47:09

fair enough - but does no one think im being put in a difficult/unfair position...? I don't get why she is taking the mickey to this extent...

HecAteAllTheXmasPud Wed 28-Dec-16 01:49:50

Of course you are being put in a difficult position.
But it is what it is.
You arent in control of the choices of others.
All you can do is deal with the situation as it is not as you think it ought to be.

She's doing this because you're letting her . Because that first week when he stayed that forth night you didnt say er i dont think so...

Daisyfrumps Wed 28-Dec-16 01:53:34

She's either 1. been trying her luck and thinks it's paid off as you haven't kicked up a fuss (piss-taker), or 2. thinks you love him too and genuinely don't mind (stupid).

QueenLizIII Wed 28-Dec-16 01:53:52

Of course you are in a difficult position.

You need to tell her there are to of you on this lease and you dont see why a third person is living there rent and bill free.

Cant she stay some time with him during the week.

notfailedyet Wed 28-Dec-16 02:00:51

Ok. Can someone help me with the best way to word It please? I do really want to go for softly-softly approach for now.

Was thinking of going in with fact that I was a bit surprised he stayed over without her there and asking why this was? But from there how can I bring up the 3 nights original rule??

scaryclown Wed 28-Dec-16 02:02:03

Couple man..couples are cunts in flatshares..they are alwsys playing a 'we are more important than you guys' game..and successfully peretend that they arent doing this by backing each other up and discussing how stupid everyone else is in comparison to their combined cleverness.

I've seen couples 'agree' that they shpuld half the rent each because they are sharing a room..but then also insist..and back each other up that they have the biggest and most prestigeous room in the house to offset the 'inconvenience' or sharing .
which they want to do anyway.. or buy a car and give lifts but ask to all passengers to pay a share..but they as a couple pay one share..the shares each are more than the journey costs..but they back each other up.

couples who say the 'rule' is you wash up so they can cook together but because they 'wait' because one comes in late, they dont need to wash up after themselves.

the couple who insisted noone watch tv after 8pm because they got up at 6am.. they were in the flat one week when they said this! ...

You could poiny out that everyone gets to save £ 300 or whatever out of their income..but they as a couole get £600 which is like loads...

Daisyfrumps Wed 28-Dec-16 02:06:33

"Hi housemate, we want to remind you that the agreement was for boyfriend to stay no more than 3 nights a week, and only when you're here. I'm sure you understand our difficult position"

Daisyfrumps Wed 28-Dec-16 02:08:43

The above is assertive but not horrible. The problem with softly softly is that it opens up a discussion which sounds like you want a debate, which gives the impression that you can be manipulated and talked round into changing your mind. You and the other housemates (?) need to show a united front.

Daisyfrumps Wed 28-Dec-16 02:09:36

Do you usually find it hard to stand up for yourself?

citychick Wed 28-Dec-16 03:33:52

As a landlord, I would be concerned about someone else moving into the property due to our property not being an HMO. Your local council will be able to advise you about how many unrelated tenants are allowed to live in the house/flat with out the property being HMO registered. (Household of multiple occupants). Or check tenancy agreement.

I would definitely tell the landlord. Regardless of liking your housemates or not, if his name is not on the tenancy agreement, he's not supposed to live there.

Your flat mate is breaking the tenancy agreement.

Get him out. Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 28-Dec-16 04:38:32

My advice is to just say something, then shut up.

"I need to talk to you about how much Bob stays here." Then wait and listen. Because in my experience the other person is aware there is an issue, has gone over the conversation in their head and already knows what they are going to say. You're just opening the floodgates.

After you see what her position is, you can ask for what you want.

roodie Wed 28-Dec-16 05:22:04

wow. that is really shit. I've been in that situation, many many years ago now mind you. I think it is a Thing that is generally acknowledged to be shit. I've read articles about nightmare flatshares and this is always mentioned.

I agree that you shouldn't go in too softly.

I agree with pp. An assertive "I need to talk to you about how much bob stays here" followed by waiting and listening. That will tell you a lot about whether she feels reasonable or unreasonable and you can see where to go from there.

Bob can always pay your rent while you look for somewhere else.

flumpybear Wed 28-Dec-16 05:34:45

Had he got a key?! Totally out of order just tell her you're uncomfortable he's staying so often

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